Friday, November 30, 2012

Realization and Acceptance

It has been a while. I have not been writing here, or anywhere for weeks.
I have been trying to sort through things.
Trying to take it all in without cracking. Let me tell you, it's not easy.

I am realizing a lot of things about myself. With that I am really working hard on sifting through it, I guess I am processing myself.
I have to accept myself now. I have to accept all the little things I dislike or they will chew me up and spit me out. I have to accept that that I am NOT like this person or that person. That I may never be even close to who I really want to be but that being me is ok. I have been chasing "normal" for a very long time and always falling short.
I have to embrace who I am and make the best of it.
No more fake smiles because I am not kidding anyone anyways! I need to accept this and I need to take small steps toward improvements. Because sitting around wishing for things is like digging a bigger hole of self pity and it is plenty deep enough. 

As I walk along this untamed path please be understanding.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Invisibly Scattered

Can't you see I'm crawling, and scratching at the seams? 
Can't you see I'm crying out with silent dying screams? 
Can't you see I'm crumbling and crashing from the start? 
Can't you see I'm struggling and falling fast apart? 
Can't you see I'm dying here with all these broken dreams? 
Can't you see I'm trying to mend the broken screams? 
Can't you see I'm falling down, again and again? 

Can't you see I'm scattered here and twitching from within? 

Can't you see I'm broken and crying out for help? 

You can't see it because on the outside,
I'm smiling just like this. 


Sometimes, that which you cannot see is what is the most real aspect of life to someone else.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Elimination: Fears

I want to conquor my fears. All of them (and I have a lot). I feel that if I can eliminate my fears I will be in better control of my life and how I feel. I can better control my anxieties if I eliminate them or at the very least educate myself.
I am trying and I will succeed, sooner or later.

I am scared of guns currently, always have been and I'm more comfortable kicking someones ass than shooting them, especially since even in self defense, shooting people isn't cool. lol
That's probably what I would tell a police officer if asked "Why did to kick this person in the face?"
"Because shooting people isn't cool."