Friday, December 12, 2014

Discontent Midnight Musings

I said earlier that I believe you can love someone to the ends of the earth but at times still kind of want to push them off if you could or heave yourself over the edge. 
No matter how my day has gone when gazing at my sleeping children I feel rejuvenated. Awestruck, in love with who they are. I want to kiss their faces and hug their little bodies and wake them accidentally-on-purpose so that I might have a moment to apologize, if only for the things I was keeping to myself all along. To gain a minute more to appreciate them and show them my love when I was instead impatient. To just tell them how amazing they are.
But I realize, I need to forgive myself. Perfection was never my aim, just to give them my best. Which I will continue to aim for.

This applies even to the good days, when I sat and colored for fifteen minutes not thirty then I see a small child sleeping peacefully and I am discontent inside. I could have sat longer, played more, read on. I don't want to feel so dependant on tomorrows for having seen what I missed today.

This stuff... the stuff of life and love and trying so hard.
This has been brought to you by tapping thumbs and a mama snug in bed hoping her cell holds out long enough to post these ramblings.

2 comments:

  1. I shared your post with the group. I actually have your blog site on my tool bar so I can check it frequently. I hope you are well and, it's pretty clear, you are a wonderful mom. I only hope I can be as awesome at the job if I ever get that opportunity in my life. -Ruby

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    1. Thanks Ruby! You will be an amazing mother.
      It is something else though. So often we see the confident, radiating, upbeat versions of moms, and find ourselves doubting. It is kind of like that saying about comparing your behind the scenes with other peoples carefully executed and shared details.
      This is messy business and I am comfortable with transparency that is so often and obviously lacking. Even in what should be close friendships. I feel like this is another angle, for another blog.

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