Thursday, October 5, 2017

Generalized Anxiety Disorder


Sometimes, I don’t feel like all people really understand anxiety. They are the ones who feel it in small bursts when life gets stressful and things are too much. Many people even have situational anxiety. “Oh okay, you’re feeling anxious.” *pffft*
But I’m talking about the kind that becomes a part of you, it infiltrates your life and gobbles you whole like a monster. It wears out its welcome and it leaves you wishing for those vices, begging for relief.
We were in a car accident, car was totaled while our occupants only endured minor injuries. But it awakened the monster dwelling inside me. I’ve been a mess.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t stay asleep when I do sleep. I feel like I’m being crushed from the outside in and the inside out. Sometimes my body feels like it is going to burst into flames. I can’t breathe. I can’t digest my food properly and end up on the toilet all the fucking time. My body is having an existential crisis. I say “my body” because I usually feel fine in my mind but my body doesn’t know it, it still thinks something is wrong. I worry all the time. My hormones are off, my period is late(no womb minions, thank you very much).
If I can’t keep my mind steady my body reacts even more. Giving in to worry or acknowledging stress is not a good idea. I don’t want to be this person this scared, worried, shaking person, who has irrelevant dreams and relevant dreams who tosses and turns with kicky feet.
I’ve never wanted this.
But anxiety has been a part of who I am since I was little.
I used to get so excited before birthdays and holidays that I’d be sick, vomiting and diarrhea sick. I’ve always been a ball of nerves.

I have anxiety every fucking day, low key manageable anxiety, I live with it and I cope pretty well under the usual circumstances. In the grocery store, driving, waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, making dinner, using the telephone, checking the mail, I worry about the chickens, the cars, the driveway, water toxicity, my children, my child with special needs, homeschooling and not homeschooling. I worry about society and god forbid someone starts with me about this fucking election, I can’t. I’m going to start bursting into tears pretty soon, I’ll hear “Woah I didn’t know she cared so much.” in hushed voices, because I just CAN’T be a stable human being anymore. Because I’ve maxed out my anxiety thresholds. I’m not in control anymore my body is just responding and I don’t know why most of the time.
I worry about family and friends and I always try to be ready and available for them. Sometimes I should be less available that’s for certain. Self preservation fails me time and again and it seems people don’t see me for the ball of nerves that I am.
I’m happy. I’m anxious but I’m really happy in my life. After a while, if I cannot get this anxiety under control I won’t be happy any more.
My fight or flight will kick in, more than it already is, and I will be in crisis mode.
This isn’t where my detailed anxiety experience ends.
This is the point at which I have to do the things that ease my anxiety, even on the days I feel ok. I have to calm my body I have to be centered again. I have to. There are no exceptions.
And this is the song that is coming to mind.
“Everything is going to be alright, rockabye”

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