Life Intentional

I’ve had this ideal of life in my mind for some time. This aspiring goal I guess of who I want to be and how I want to live but in reality I haven’t done nearly enough to make the ideal a real thing that is happening in my life.

Small steps have been made and that’s well and good but I need big changes too.

Sometimes I think back to when we didn’t have home internet. It was harder in some ways, like I wouldn’t be writing this for example. But it was also easier in other ways and it made my days more productive. I wish that I could unplug easier sometimes but now I we have this dependence and it is almost suffocating at times to be completely honest.

I’m going to try to unplug more. Fill my days with more productivity. Get more sleep, binge netflix a little less and hopefully it won’t be miserably hard to get my children on board with a little less screen time. I know it couldn’t hurt.

Who knows maybe my ideal life just is not going to happen for me.

I had this dream once and in it I was living my life completely unencumbered by distractions. I want to live more intentionally. I have to I think my soul needs it.

I don’t thrive in chaos. And life just seems like chaos anymore. Maybe that’s the natural flow of things maybe that’s how things generally are buy are we not the captains here? Are we not the ones paving our paths? We cannot control everything, but we can influence. We have the freedom to make our own choices. To say no, and know when enough is enough and I’m sooooo totally getting there.

I am a natural worrier. Don’t even get me started because I could give you a list as long as this post about things to worry about. I cannot afford to take on other people’s stresses and worries too. I just can’t, I have to know when enough is enough because I absorb it all and can’t let it go. This contributes to my exhausted feelings.

I cannot give away more of myself to others and outside influences than I even possess to be able to build my own life up the way that I want it to be. I can’t, I have to know when enough is enough. It’s hard because I care so damn much. But who gives a shit about me?

No one because real world problems are pretty much zilch for me and I am so grateful. SO SO grateful. Its all philosophical shit, emotional, its deep in the foundational cracks. There isn’t an issue, its just that I want to be truer to who I am. This is what I need.

And a platform to ramble obviously since I’m apparently pretty good at it.

But I need to organize my thoughts and these ideals in my mind and figure out what I am actually capable of doing. If I can be the person that is in my mind.