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I miss my goats. I miss the rabbits.
I miss the notion of the life I was trying to build up around myself.
I miss life before things got so hard. I miss having that energy I used to have. I miss feeling alive because what I’ve been feeling is much like surviving or enduring.
I took everything for granted. I wish that I had known then what I know now, what I would feel now. How my life would change. There are so many things that I would have told my younger self, but I don’t know if she would have listened.
I’d have told her to make time to do yoga, don’t fall off that wagon, don’t stop and don’t get distracted by a sweet puppy who wants to make things hard.
Keep eating the healthy foods! For the love of God, don’t treat yourself like a trash compactor. ( I type this as I literally have pretzels and a chocolate chip cookie next to me but hey I’m drinking water at least so there is that.) Drink more water than you think you need and eat your vegetables.. start there and increase it because you asshat, vegetables are good for you and you like them!
If something hurts, stop! You’re not feeling normal pain and fatigue. Something is wrong and you need to slow the hell down. But you won’t know this for a couple more years. Instead you’ll just think you must be really out of shape, weak, and pathetic.
Oh my darling, your body is setting you up for failure.
It might feel like you’re dying at times but you’ll eventually wake up feeling great. You’ll be having a good day and you’re going to overdo it all over again. You’ll be back in bed lying there wishing you could be doing anything else. This cycle will repeat indefinitely. You’re going to feel guilt and shame because you just don’t know yet what is going on. It will be frustrating.
You will feel more depressed than makes sense when your pain levels peak. It is hard to keep a smile on your face when there is so much pain to endure and every doctor tells you that you’re fine.
And all the tests are perfect.
And you’re going to wonder if it is in fact…. all in your head.
It is not in your head.
Then one day… the doctor will say that if he had to put a label on it… he would say you have Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease and maybe POTS. Which makes sense for some of it and now you’re going to have to figure out how to navigate that information. However, with negative blood work...this is not a diagnosis.
Come to terms with the fact that finding a job outside of the home that fits all of your physical needs is probably not an option. But thankfully you’ve got a husband who can support the whole family on his income. Figure out what you CAN do and do that.
You’re going to feel jealous at times of others. But remember we all have our own struggles in life. Just like others have no idea that you’re in pain, you have no idea what they are going through either.
Some things in life just are and this is one of those things. But don’t give up on yourself, your dreams, or your body; do your best with what life has given you.
After all it really is a pretty good life.
