Time Suck Vs. Joy Vs. Is there even a problem?

I get so tired of the time suck known as Facebook.
I know I could end it simply by logging off but I am hesitant. And really it only hurts myself.
I find myself comparing at times and that's not helpful. It would be great if I could keep my business page up and not my personal fb page.... maybe that's something!

Maybe things wouldn't be that much different. I really have a lot of groups and people I enjoy on Facebook I just need to spend less time on it. Maybe that's the key. Just not opening it.
I'm going to try that first I think.

Then I don't have to give up the good parts.


I'm just having a hard time right now I think and I have a tendency to close myself off from people entirely. I'm like a caterpillar making a cocoon. But I don't think I end up turning into a butterfly or being better off for it. Possibly worse.
Maybe that's why I want to run away from Facebook.

I feel pretty isolated already. Why not delete it all? That's kind of the mentality I think.
I don't want to feel this way but its like... if I must then fuck it I'm all in I suppose. Maybe that's my deep dark depression trying to take root. It doesn't really feel that way. I think I'm just adjusting to life now and its busy and hard and things are going to change again and be full of all kinds of things that have to be done and tended to.

I'm feeling tired before the work has begun. I feel lonesome in anticipation of the long days and nights and time alone. I feel exhausted mentally at the stresses and I'm fighting this overwhelming urge to go through the house boxing and bagging and throwing things out.

But when I tired to go through a shelf today I couldn't find anything to get rid of.
Nothing. So I think I have a problem, or maybe the house isn't the problem but I'm trying to make it the problem somehow.

I have no idea. I think I might be a crazy person.  

I'm restless.

I need a project.

I need to shut off my brain and watch tv or something.

Ramblings & Bullshit

There always seems to be this inner turmoil that I carry around. Lately I just feel like I should have done more in my life. I should have had a career or an accomplishment or something of some kind of measurable success. I should have developed a skill in all my time as a stay at home mom. But I'm too busy bouncing from one thing to another. I do a little bit of a lot of different things.

This is a reoccurring feeling. I know I've probably whined about it before... maybe even in my last post.

I knit, sew, do needlepoint, take pictures, write, collect vintage things(that I sometimes sell).
I cook and bake usually out of necessity but sometimes for pleasure. I do a lot of lame things too like clean and organize. I like to read. But I'm not like a book critic or anything. And when I write I am absolutely 100% sure that I'm not doing so correctly when it comes to grammar, punctuation, etc.(other things I don't even know the words for).
I'd like to one day write a book but I worry that my actual writing skills are so bad that I'd have to just stick to childrens books. Which is actually what I want to write first at least so there is that.
Keep it simple Rachel, just like you. Derp.

I am homeschooling one of the kids again, the youngest, not to worry no big hard english rules to teach yet. I'm relieved too, trust me.

I guess I really don't do all that much but I am good at spreading myself thin. I have been thinking about taking a break from facebook. It eats up so much time. Maybe I will start by deleting the app from my phone and see if that's enough without going completely off the rails and deleting it. Because it is a good way to stay connected with people. Not that I like people or being connected or going to parties or anything of that sort. 

Its just, not easy for people to constantly stay in contact and facebook is a nice way to let people know what you're up to who actually care to check in on you. I know there are a lot of people who's photos and posts and such I really do love seeing! I like knowing what is going on in their lives. I like celebrating with my friends. I cannot expect them all to message me personally. And I certainly do not want to be reaching out like that either. Not that I'd have anything to share except animal things maybe? I have no idea this is a rambling of nonsense. I'm bad at blogging now too. Yay go me!

I worry a lot about a lot of things. And we're in the beginning steps of huge life changes. The next year is going to be wild! So much change, work, more work, stress. Did I mention work?
Yeah it is going to be like that and there is no way around it. You just cannot expect that what you want in life is going to come easy. That is not the way that it goes. It takes time, work, dedication, discipline, and probably sweat, tears and blood. We definitely need to put a few hundred dollars in the savings account for medical emergencies because something will inevitably happen and we'll need that ER copay money.

Ok.... this is enough.