Seeking Answers

OCTOBER 30, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

The only thing harder than living with chronic pain is knowing that people don’t understand and doctors don’t believe you because they can’t diagnose what is wrong.

Honestly, I don’t even understand what is wrong with me and I feel a ton of guilt over it. Like how can I possibly do so well for so long and then have days and weeks where I just hurt so much that I can’t function? How can I spend the first part of summer doing so well, being so active, working on projects, carrying heavy things, then not be able to gather the strength to stand to cook dinner after a simple day at home doing a little cleaning?

It is pretty difficult never really knowing what kind of day I’m about to have. I do know if I have a low fever that a bad day is coming. I try to get ahead of it, taking excedrine in cause a migraine is trying to take over, resting, drinking more water, taking naps instead of pushing through. When I know we have something planned for the upcoming weekend I worry because I just don’t know what I’m going to feel like by the time those plans come up.

The other day I was feeling pretty great, having a low key day at home, and then I was taken over by full body pain that felt like all of my muscles were contracting even though they were relaxed. I was fatigued like my body had just run a marathon(not that I’d know what that is like) or as I described to a friend “Fatigue like when you have a stomach virus and spend the entire night vomiting and everything hurts the next day”.

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So I’m just accepting I can’t do as much and have taken steps to reduce physical strains.

We sent some chickens to live at my grandpa’s farm because I had “too many” and his stopped laying. Our goats went back to the ladies we bought them from. I’m closing up shop on most of my homestead adventures. Raising animals, growing vegetables, studying herbs, was all inspired by my health originally and it has been a roller coaster of emotions coming to terms with the fact that my physical abilities are not up to the task of homesteading anymore.

I had a decent run, we had a few fun years. But once the pigs go to the butcher I’ll be glad to only have chickens to care for (plus: one turkey, one duck, four guinea fowl). It takes a lot of pressure off of me and I welcome that. But the truth is 90% of the time my husband or son take care of the animals now. The last couple months have been hard and I try not to overdo it.

I wanted dairy goats so that I could have my own milk. But the truth is, I couldn’t promise I’d be able to milk them every day now that I’m not doing well. And it’s not fair to force my family to pick up the slack because I took on more than I could handle physically. But that’s where asking for help comes into place I guess but still, you have to be considerate of others time and interests.

I’m working on acceptance.
I’m going to do my best to keep planting herbs but chances are I’ll end up buying my supplies most of the time, and that is ok. I’d like to continue canning jam and learning how to can other foods. Which I will undoubtedly purchase from farmers markets because I cannot physically garden except for low maintenance plants. My sunflowers were lovely and attracted many birds and I thoroughly enjoyed watching them and listening to them sing in the garden. My accidental pumpkin harvest turned out fantastic and I’d like to toss a packet of seeds out into the pig pen in the spring and see how they grow. It’s all luck of the draw. But it is sad. I started out with good intentions and then couldn’t find the time to tend my garden. I spent a lot of time just completely not being able to go outside into the sun or my skin would get itchy, red and painful. By the time those perfect hours for gardening arrived each evening, I was simply just too tired to do anything more.

I’m not looking for pity, I know that there are many solutions available to me. Like I mentioned, I can go to farmers markets and buy dried herbs from other farms. I can seek out ingredients I need for body care products instead of keeping goats that require more time and care than I can realistically give.

My biggest worries are how much longer it is going to take to get a diagnosis? Will the stress be worth it if we only rule out things it isn’t but don’t arrive at what it is? How much will it cost in copays? Will my insurance cover treatments? Will I have to resort to pain killers and what if I end up with an addiction problem? What if it is genetic and my kids might get it from me?

What I do know is that according to my blood work in recent years I am perfectly fine, I don’t have lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, or Lyme disease. I don’t have any deficiencies, my sugar is good, my thyroid is good. Waiting on some new blood work results from today. I don’t expect them to find much.
I’ve had a heart monitor for chest pain and that was perfect too. I’ve had nerve testing done in my arms… you guessed it: everything was fine.

Maybe you thought you were here for homestead related topics... But I think real life plays into one’s ability to actually carry out those homesteading plans. Maybe one day I’ll be able to come back to it all. Maybe I’ll just have to visit farms and kiss other people’s goats.

I’ll be back with updates, sooner or later.

Giving Up Homesteading

OCTOBER 6, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

Things are changing.

We are downsizing our little farm to only include birds. I gave some of my hens to my grandpa, his are older and have stopped laying. We processed the rabbits.

Despite having a buck in with our goats for months, neither is pregnant and I’m just discouraged and selling them back to the woman we bought them from. I don’t anticipate that I’ll have the time or desire for milking anyways.

Our pigs are scheduled to be butchered early November. I don’t have any desire to raise pigs again. It hasn’t been bad, but it is a lot of work.

I have loved these animals but I feel like life is taking me in a different direction.

I do intend to support local farms when we buy meat in the future. They have my utmost respect and admiration.

Keeping animals is expensive. Especially if you don’t have the land and equipment to grow any of their food.

I’ve been shifting my focus onto our house. We painted the kitchen, dining, entry and living room. Put down new flooring throughout. Next we will be building a custom pantry and then buying new living room furniture and a dining set. There are also many smaller projects and things we want to update. Like wooden blinds. Painting an old desk to better match the look that we’re working towards. Once the pantry is finished I’ll be reorganizing the kitchen we need to decide if we want to wall mount a tv above the fireplace in the living room or if we want to put it onto a different wall on a tv stand. Which means we need to decide before we buy the furniture.

I need to start studying medicinal herbs again and hope to get back to that now that the seasons are changing.

We haven’t told many people about our plans to give up the little farm dream but those who know are supportive and understanding. I appreciate that so much.

Life is always changing.

Little Farm Updates

JUNE 6, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

Our rabbits are 5 weeks old. I have a couple people interested in purchasing some as pets.

Our goats are 2-3 weeks from their due dates though I’m starting to wonder about that entirely. I swear neither has gone into heat since January, but we’re all first timers here with goat kidding. And I’m essentially a mess of worry and second guessing everything.

My vegetable garden is thriving despite all the rain here in Western Pennsylvania  Many of my medicinal herbs washed out in the rain though. I’m feeling pretty discouraged with it so I might just replant more vegetables there as well.

I’ve noticed that food prices are going up, not drastically but gradually a few cents here and there. I looked at receipts from March and then receipts from the past week, comparing prices. Some things have jumped by 50 cents and others by 5 or 10 cents but it is happening and I have a feeling it is only going to get worse. The cashier was contemptuous when I asked if she had noticed any increases in prices. So I came home and pulled out my receipt book and found the answers I was looking for.

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I haven’t been feeling well at all. Processed meat is giving me migraines.. I sometimes forget I’m avoiding processed meat and eat it and then I regret it for several days. I’m not sure what exactly is bothering me and triggering the migraines so I’m just going to play it save and avoid all of it. Another fun thing, soda is making my mouth swell and get rashy? For lack of a better description, rashy is the best I’ve got. So no more of that I suppose. I can only bet that I have been eating like trash for so long and now my body is like, ‘I quit this is what you’re going to get now so treat me better’. I guess I deserve it and I’m just going to let it motivate me to get into better eating and cooking habits, lest we all starve. or I starve. I have a feeling I’d be the only one starving in reality.

I guess all in all I’m really just disappointed at the amount of convenience foods we have now in our house.
It’s not convenient if it makes you ill.
It’s not convenient if it doesn’t have proper nutritional value.

But some days it does hit the spot I guess and THAT is how we get sucked into these bad habits.

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Other things, when our house was built the company skipped installing proper door sills and now all three of our exterior doors are severely damaged from rain getting under the door plate and setting there. The damage even extends into our daughters’ bedroom where we will have to replace the carpet and padding.
We discovered all of this damage when we pulled old carpeting and linoleum out of the one room so that we could start putting in new flooring and put our house back together. Now our house feels like it is going to be an eternal shit show. The insurance adjuster came out today to look at all of the damage. He said he has seen this in a lot of houses and its just the lack of a proper sill under the freaking door. HOW hard is that!? Who wants to build houses that slowly sneakily rot away like that?! Hopefully our homeowners insurance will cover it. We need to get an estimate from some contractors while we wait so that we find out how expensive this is going to be if insurance won’t cover it or if we should start planning to fix it ourselves. Good times.

My husbands truck also endured over $4000 in hail damage. And our rental house’s roof is leaking, we are hoping it is a storm damage situation and not an “old roof” situation.

But at least we’ve still got the farm, hahahaha and a positive attitude. That goes a long way.

Family

MAY 22, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

I was feeling especially not good about things yesterday.

I think I have some things I need to come to terms with.

We’re not really doing well as a family. Maybe that’s because we’re getting into the teen years of irritation and discontent humans.

There feels to be a huge amount of disconnect happening. I don’t know what to do to weave everyone back together or if that’s even something that can be done without making things worse. Maybe there is simply just and ebb and flow to a family. To these changing seasons and changing tides that roll with it.

Maybe I’ve just got to roll with it too.

Things were so much easier when our kids were little, when we were their whole world as parents and when they were children who depended on us for every single life sustaining thing. It was easy to be wrapped up eyes deep in mothering and parenting.

Now our children are 14, 12, & 9. And yes I know they still need us, but not like they used to. My oldest just made himself lunch and while he was having an argument with the air-fryer and I helped him, he didn’t really need me. But I was there so I showed him why it was being a pain. I got home from work last week and my 12 year old had baked brownies all by herself. My 9 year old literally just needs a tv and an endless supply of macaroni and cheese and chocolate milk and all will be well. But things are different.

They’re different. And I’m not needed like I used to be and I think this whole process of growing up is opening me up to new things.

On the other hand… I don’t feel like we really spend quality time together. Like when we do spend time together its during meals or during the rush to get ready in the morning, or when I remind them to do their chores, brush their teeth, pick up their dirty laundry. It is all the not fun, nagging parenting stuff that I get now. Only the 9 year old enjoys watching tv together once in a while. The older two would rather be texting with their friends. I think this is all probably fairly normal. But I was a young mom and therefore I don’t know many moms with kids the same ages as mine… at least none that I’d want to open up and talk to about it. About the deep rooted feelings I’ve been having.

Looking Back & Looking Ahead

MAY 8, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

I read over a couple previous posts. 

I still don’t have any solid answers. I’m just running on faith that one day it will all pay off and we’ll have the resources to sustain this lifestyle.
The greenhouse didn’t get built in time for spring gardening and so I had to set up my seeds indoors. Resulting in fewer starts and not enough to sell anything. But the greenhouse plan has been modified since the original plan of having a freestanding greenhouse and now I intend to build it onto the front of our house. Which will act as an added living space. As such the build is going to be much more expensive than previously planned. I hope to get it framed in and roofed this fall and ready for plants by spring 2020. Ya know, unless plans change again.

Still waiting on goat kids, 5 more weeks to go. I think Belle is carrying twins, though she may just be extra plump, that’s not unlike her.

Our second litter of rabbits are due this week. I’m definitely interested in selling them rather than butchering for meat for ourselves. “You buy ’em or we eat ’em”… that might be a bit harsh. But in all reality rabbit is an incredibly sustainable source of meat and the quality is top notch for protein and is very low in fat. Look in any old recipe books and I bet you’ll find recipes for rabbit. In other countries you can walk into the supermarket and buy rabbit meat and you’d be shocked at how expensive it is!

We’re still tossing around the idea of raising some chickens for meat for ourselves. But if we’re going to do it we need to plan for a good butcher date that isn’t blistering hot outside. We seriously lack shade on our property and while we planted 20 trees this year, they won’t be much help for at least 6 years when it comes to shade haha.

We got our garden beds built, filled, fenced, mulched, totaling about $560 so far, including seeds. That was a big money drain but it was an important one. I’m struggling however to get my herbs to grow. I think that directly sowing them into the garden is going to be the best option. I’m never going to break even when it comes to gardening.

Our chickens are laying so many eggs that I’ve started using eggs as currency. Haha

I need to buy some egg cartons in bulk and start officially selling eggs. It’s almost time to put up a sign or two EGGS & RABBITS. I never thought we’d get to this point to be honest. I am going to have to get a separate mini fridge for eggs though. We’re collecting so many that there is no way to keep them all in our fridge now. And we keep them on the counter for ourselves a lot of the time depending on the weather and temperature in the house but in order to sell here they have to be washed and refrigerated and marked with the date collected.

Sometimes when I write I feel like it comes out as a jumbled mess of thoughts coupled with to do lists.
I hope that it doesn’t read that way… lol I apologize if it does.

Also, we would still like to get some pigs this year but I’m struggling to find any listings in our Area Shopper Ad, so I’m going to have to start looking elsewhere for them. I really should set up a craigslist account anyway. Also… I need to remember that site that is “like craigslist for farmers” …. because apparently that’s a great way to sell and buy what we need.

Seedlings ~ Projects ~ Babies, Oh my!

MAY 2, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

I’ve been juggling life differently lately. Balancing working with the busyness of springtime.

My garden boxes are filled with dirt, mulched around, and waiting seedlings. We also put up a fence to keep chickens and dogs out.

My little seedlings are doing pretty well but it is definitely time to put them in the garden beds. It has been raining so much I haven’t had much of a chance to get them transplanted. I’m hoping that I can get it done today. I need to look at my garden map again. My herb seeds are not growing as well as the vegetable seeds. I’m going to try direct sowing them and see what happens.

I’ve been studying my herbs and making plans for the future.

I tried posting a new video to YouTube but I keep getting an error in the process which is infuriating. I seriously need to get a camera and use my computer to upload instead of my iPhone. But I like the ease of my iPhone for making videos so there’s that. I’m so much more likely to do it if my phone cooperates which leads me to believe that the reason I stopped uploading in the fall was because of technical difficulties. I found a couple videos I made that I never uploaded.

Next order of business… animals on the homestead.

The first rabbit had her kits! I counted 8 but there may be more, I didn’t want to disturb them too much being brand new and all. Mama bunny is doing well and seems a lot happier than she was last week. She looked absolutely ticked off and I’m pretty sure she wanted to bite me at one point. The second rabbit should be due in about a week.

The turkey, Groot, is laying eggs again. She is very territorial of them. I shouldn’t have taken them yesterday because today she’s going to be in a horrible mood. Maybe I’ll take them back to her. She is our only turkey so they are not fertile. And speaking of eggs, we were getting a bunch of duck eggs. But now the duck has apparently decided to lay eggs elsewhere. I’m not sure if she intends to sit on them or if she just wants to keep them hidden. I was wanting to get a few more ducklings this year so if she hatches some I’d be thrilled. We really enjoy watching them walk around the yard and I can’t wait to set them up with a swimming pool.

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We painted our oldest kids bedroom a dark blue color and it looks awesome.

A perk there is left over paint and… the blue is going to be perfect for an accent wall above our fireplace. Most people would just keep it for touch ups and such but Sherwin Williams keeps records of what paint and finish we bought and I don’t really have a good place to keep things like paint from getting nasty from weather fluctuations. We need to paint the rest of our house but that’ll happen after the bedroom build. And probably towards the fall because summer is such a busy time.

A Country Divided

MARCH 6, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

I don’t usually voice these sorts of thoughts so openly for the world to have access to but I feel that since it has been weighing on my mind maybe I’ll just put it out there.

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What kind of world are we shaping for the next generation?

I’m no expert on politics or anything really but I’m a parent who thinks about what kind of world we’re creating here for the next generation to live in.

I use to think that we were making progress where cultural acceptance and understanding is concerned. Diversity isn’t something to be feared but instead embraced or at the very least RESPECTED. Personal freedoms seem to have contingencies, ‘you’re free as long as you do what we say.’

Same sex marriage is now legal in all states and yet there seems to be more opposition to it than I noticed before. People are angry and hateful. They march into schools with color coordinated t-shirts in opposition of transgender minor students using the restroom they identify with.

Racism is a more prevalent problem now than I remember. Segregation isn’t over people are just getting louder, as is their right! People like to say that African Americans haven’t been enslaved for a long time… I’ll give them that. But have you stopped to look at when segregation ended?

The segregation of public schools in the U.S.A. was abolished in 1964. That was 55 years ago. My grandparents were in their 20s-30s and my dad was 7 years old when segregation in public school ended. Let that sink in. Think about your relatives for a moment. It wasn’t that long ago and those residual racist influences are still present. Maybe not in your community or your family but in other communities and families this is still a problem and should not be discredited.

I’d like to see people embrace diversity and I thought that we were on the right path years ago. But we’ve taken a hard turn and we’re decidedly content stripping the rights and freedoms of other American citizens if it aligns with our own beliefs.

Our country is so divided and so angry about everything.

We are angry about abortion.

We are angry about legalizing marijuana.

We are angry about a boarder wall.

We are angry about minimum wage.

We are angry about racism.

We are angry about sexual orientation.

We are angry about vaccinations.

We are angry about gun laws.

And in the process we are dividing our country into groups of people spewing hatred for each other. Demanding law makers take action to make changes that align with the ideologies of one side of an argument and telling everyone else they should simply just agree with or “get out” of the United States of America.

There is no middle ground in a country divided by hate.

There can only be more hate, more blood shed, and more freedoms stripped from citizens.

Your constitutional rights and personal freedoms cannot take away from the constitutional rights and personal freedoms of others.

 

For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others. Nelson Mandela

Is Homesteading Worth It?

FEBRUARY 15, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

I think winter has been crushing my soul and dreams.

I don’t feel like this homesteading lifestyle is really attainable for us. I don’t know if I have what it takes. I don’t know if it is worth all the stress.

I have a lot of guilt pertaining to homesteading because I cannot always get the chores done on my own. I am thankful that my husband and son are quick to get it done when I don’t feel up to it. But I feel like it should be my responsibility, it is after all… my dream. No one else is quite as emotionally invested in these animals as I am. No one else really cares if we raise our own meat and animals that will provide us milk. No one else shares the same vision I have about sustainability and ethical farming practices.

But I got to thinking about how expensive this lifestyle is.

In order to keep animals we had to move to the country and get a mortgage that is twice what we paid when we lived in town. In order for it to be “worth it” we would need to have that difference be made up by animals and gardening. That’s not feasible when we’re only getting 6-12 eggs a day! Our goats are not kidding or producing milk yet.

So we need about $500 worth of self sustainability, animal products, residual income to make it really “worth it” and I am not even going to factor in fencing, shelters, troughs and bowls, or medications. That’s not happening.

Feed costs us about $75 a month. Half of that is chicken feed and the other half is goat feed. Oh, we have rabbits too now so that’s probably around $20/month. Then we also buy second cut hay but that is usually covered by the $75 budget.

Other bills that have changed since we moved out to the country.
Our house is all electric and it is expensive. We bought a heat pump and that made a difference in our electric bill but the price we paid for a heat pump will take years to really reap the full benefits of the reduced expense of heating and cooling our house.
We do not have to pay for public water or sewage but we did have to install various filtration systems in order to filter out the calcium and iron and those need routine maintenance. We also had a UV light filter installed to kill bacteria because our well water tested high for fecal coliform when we were in the process of buying. However, that’s a worrying thing for us so we buy bottled water anyway. Bottled water is expensive not to mention all that plastic is terrible for the environment. I’m looking at buying a counter top Berkey filtration system as soon as we have a little extra money for it and this will cut down our spending and trash.
Speaking of trash.. we live close to relatives and put a bag or two of our garbage in with theirs each week. We also recycle all those plastic bottles with their trash pick up.

So I guess what it all comes down to is, is it worth it?

I enjoy the lack of neighbors super close by. I like that we can hoot and holler (if we want) and carry on outside and no one is going to call the police or complain. My husband and son can shoot their guns. We live in walking distance to good hunting land and a beautiful creek that we only just walked to yesterday for the first time. We are close to family and many friends. Our dogs have lots of room to run around and play… and poop.

There are so many benefits to where we live. I guess those things are probably worth the extra cost alone and the animals are really just a perk. Perhaps in time they’ll at least be paying for themselves or earning their keep.

It really all comes down to perspective. And winter is a bad time for perspective. We’re only just beginning and maybe this lifestyle is like a marriage. It takes work and commitment. And some seasons, literal seasons, are harder than others.

So, here I am waiting for spring to change my heart, to renew my faith in this journey.

If it doesn’t happen to work out that way then I suppose we’ll have to look at our options for the future.

When Public School Doesn’t Work

JANUARY 22, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

We pulled our 14 year old out of school today.
There were many reasons for this. He was failing all of his core subjects and very likely going to have to repeat 8th grade(this is not new, he has struggled with school since kindergarten). That is not an option. The 504 Plan/Chapter 15 that we had put in place for him a year ago, was not being used. His work only started being modified this past week. They believe that his academic problems stemmed from a lack of effort. I knew they were going to say that.

He has a lot of anxiety about school because any time someone did something, he was being questioned about it. Yes he has done some stupid things and he owned those things and faced the consequences. Now he’s being called a liar because he denied involvement in an incident at school last week. He’s not wrong because what he is trying to be blamed for didn’t happen regardless of what other students are trying to say. He would much rather talk to us before talking to the school. Kind of like, “I’d like to speak to my lawyer.”. So he told them nothing, talked to us and we talked to them on his behalf.

They want so badly to prove his involvement that they’re failing to consider that other students are lying or they are misunderstanding exactly what happened. Showing a disrespectful meme in a private chat to a friend after school hours is not against any laws or policies, while it may be against better judgement or social etiquette. We informed them he was well within his rights and he knows that. What others do after that point is on them.

Do you have any idea how many times we’ve tried to talk to them about his academics and have gotten nowhere? Just about every single time! Including three phone calls this month that were never returned.

I don’t intend to send him back there.

I’ll quickly pull my other two kids out if issues arise.

I need to do some deep breathing after the morning we’ve had.
After the condescending remarks about homeschooling and insinuations that we are not capable people.

I don’t always WANT to homeschool, not having time to myself, spending lots of money on resources and books,  dealing with judgement and rudeness from others; breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, elevensies, lunch, snack….. and so on.
But I’m a parent and I’ll do anything for my kids.

Imperfect Mothering

JANUARY 1, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

For whatever reason I couldn’t fall asleep a couple nights ago and instead my brain wanted to remind me of all the ways I haven’t been a good mother over the years. No matter how hard I tried to push the memories back more kept flooding in.

I don’t know why. I was simply trying to remember a house I lived in when my son was a baby. But instead I was reminded of all my failures.

I have been a far from perfect parent. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I’m trying my best but the truth is it might not be good enough.

I look back and I remember being so exhausted and touched out that I sometimes had to let my babies cry it out while I cried it out in the next room. I let people into our lives that were toxic and had no business in our lives. There were times when I honestly had no idea what I was doing but I was doing my best. My children have gone too long between baths sometimes. I was a heavy sleeper and a single parent most of the time when my kids were all babies, I was always so worried that I wouldn’t wake at night when they were crying.

I overreacted when I should have just taken a breath. I ruined Christmas one year when I was up wrapping presents until 4am and my kids woke up at 6am and didn’t wake me up and just tore into presents. I was heartbroken…. I was also really depressed and stressed at the time so my reaction was much worse I think. I yelled at them and cried. It’s hard to look back on now and find any humor because I seriously lost my shit that day. The day went on, we played with their new toys, went and visited family and had a nice Christmas dinner. But all I can really remember is my kids faces when I yelled at them on Christmas morning for opening presents without me.

I was often made to believe that everything that was going on was a direct result of my parenting. It was my fault. As a result my children went far longer than they should have before being properly diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. I wrongly believed that my son’s ADHD and outbursts were because I was in some way screwing him up. That’s what people told me anyway. My daughter’s autism was hard too because our pediatrician said “no way” and made me feel like I was crazy. Everyone was in such denial that there was anything different that it took years to get the diagnosis she needed, because I didn’t listen to my instincts.

I listened to the wrong advice.
I was too stern and I was also too soft.
Which means I was also inconsistent.
I was so damn imperfect.

Not my favorite kind of reminiscing at all.

Maybe I need to work on forgiving myself.