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The only thing harder than living with chronic pain is knowing that people don’t understand and doctors don’t believe you because they can’t diagnose what is wrong.
Honestly, I don’t even understand what is wrong with me and I feel a ton of guilt over it. Like how can I possibly do so well for so long and then have days and weeks where I just hurt so much that I can’t function? How can I spend the first part of summer doing so well, being so active, working on projects, carrying heavy things, then not be able to gather the strength to stand to cook dinner after a simple day at home doing a little cleaning?
It is pretty difficult never really knowing what kind of day I’m about to have. I do know if I have a low fever that a bad day is coming. I try to get ahead of it, taking excedrine in cause a migraine is trying to take over, resting, drinking more water, taking naps instead of pushing through. When I know we have something planned for the upcoming weekend I worry because I just don’t know what I’m going to feel like by the time those plans come up.
The other day I was feeling pretty great, having a low key day at home, and then I was taken over by full body pain that felt like all of my muscles were contracting even though they were relaxed. I was fatigued like my body had just run a marathon(not that I’d know what that is like) or as I described to a friend “Fatigue like when you have a stomach virus and spend the entire night vomiting and everything hurts the next day”.
So I’m just accepting I can’t do as much and have taken steps to reduce physical strains.
We sent some chickens to live at my grandpa’s farm because I had “too many” and his stopped laying. Our goats went back to the ladies we bought them from. I’m closing up shop on most of my homestead adventures. Raising animals, growing vegetables, studying herbs, was all inspired by my health originally and it has been a roller coaster of emotions coming to terms with the fact that my physical abilities are not up to the task of homesteading anymore.
I had a decent run, we had a few fun years. But once the pigs go to the butcher I’ll be glad to only have chickens to care for (plus: one turkey, one duck, four guinea fowl). It takes a lot of pressure off of me and I welcome that. But the truth is 90% of the time my husband or son take care of the animals now. The last couple months have been hard and I try not to overdo it.
I wanted dairy goats so that I could have my own milk. But the truth is, I couldn’t promise I’d be able to milk them every day now that I’m not doing well. And it’s not fair to force my family to pick up the slack because I took on more than I could handle physically. But that’s where asking for help comes into place I guess but still, you have to be considerate of others time and interests.
I’m working on acceptance.
I’m going to do my best to keep planting herbs but chances are I’ll end up buying my supplies most of the time, and that is ok. I’d like to continue canning jam and learning how to can other foods. Which I will undoubtedly purchase from farmers markets because I cannot physically garden except for low maintenance plants. My sunflowers were lovely and attracted many birds and I thoroughly enjoyed watching them and listening to them sing in the garden. My accidental pumpkin harvest turned out fantastic and I’d like to toss a packet of seeds out into the pig pen in the spring and see how they grow. It’s all luck of the draw. But it is sad. I started out with good intentions and then couldn’t find the time to tend my garden. I spent a lot of time just completely not being able to go outside into the sun or my skin would get itchy, red and painful. By the time those perfect hours for gardening arrived each evening, I was simply just too tired to do anything more.
I’m not looking for pity, I know that there are many solutions available to me. Like I mentioned, I can go to farmers markets and buy dried herbs from other farms. I can seek out ingredients I need for body care products instead of keeping goats that require more time and care than I can realistically give.
My biggest worries are how much longer it is going to take to get a diagnosis? Will the stress be worth it if we only rule out things it isn’t but don’t arrive at what it is? How much will it cost in copays? Will my insurance cover treatments? Will I have to resort to pain killers and what if I end up with an addiction problem? What if it is genetic and my kids might get it from me?
What I do know is that according to my blood work in recent years I am perfectly fine, I don’t have lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, or Lyme disease. I don’t have any deficiencies, my sugar is good, my thyroid is good. Waiting on some new blood work results from today. I don’t expect them to find much.
I’ve had a heart monitor for chest pain and that was perfect too. I’ve had nerve testing done in my arms… you guessed it: everything was fine.
Maybe you thought you were here for homestead related topics... But I think real life plays into one’s ability to actually carry out those homesteading plans. Maybe one day I’ll be able to come back to it all. Maybe I’ll just have to visit farms and kiss other people’s goats.
I’ll be back with updates, sooner or later.
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