Friday, February 17, 2012

Head on Collision?

I do my best as a mother (and as a person) most days and some days I am impatient, annoyed, and not what my children necessarily need but I am the other version of me that they get. Some days I just want to hibernate on the sofa. I want to be allowed to have a headache and curl up with a blanket and stay put(some days I make it happen). Most of the time someone always needs me for something and I am not complaining. I love being a mommy. I love my children. I love that I can be home for them and for their every need. I feel like this is where I need to be and this is where I want to be. For that I am so thankful.

I have a lot, and I mean a LOT, of moments when I feel like I'm not doing everything that I need to be doing. I feel like I could do better or more. I want to live this specific lifestyle and I have no idea how to make it happen. There is a part of me that feels like I need to burn the foundation of everything I know to the ground. Even when I feel this, I have no idea how to light the match and put it in motion. Maybe its all internal and because I can't see it I don't know where to begin.
People seem to get their feet so firmly rooted into something that to uproot this tree of ourselves seems impossible. They think they might as well let it stand there because the only other option is to chop it down. I don't want to kill my tree of me. I just want to move it. It's not easy but I'm sure it can be done. I want someone to show me the way. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me, "Hey... this is not going to be easy but if you really want it I will help you get there from here".

I want to battle my inner self and I want to win. I want to sever the head of the me that has been so corrupted by society and shoved into this little box with a shiny little label. I want to kill it, stomp it in the ground and say NO MORE! I feel like I'm falling apart at the place where my soul and my body collide.

Maybe falling apart is how we get it together after all. I seem to be pretty terrible at falling apart if that's the case. It's like being scared to fall and so you climb up so high that to fall apart would go against everything you've been told.
Why must we fall apart anyway? I was told that sometimes hitting that bottom is the point you want to prevent coming to and recognizing it ahead of time is the best option to prepare for the landing.
With that said, I feel like something bad is coming, perhaps the fall and the collapse of everything. The head on collision with everything I know and cling to for comfort. The comforts that I don't necessarily even want. When I come out of it, I hope to be a better version of who I am today. 

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