Thursday, October 19, 2017

Our Little House On The Prairie

I guess you could say I've been dealing with some restless energy. I tend to go all in when there is an idea or a possibility. I want to explore it completely and learn everything that I can.

In most cases this is wasted energy because nothing comes of it.

But at least I am informed completely and that might make it easier to cast aside the crazy ideas from the good ones.

What am I talking about?

Well our house is small. We need more space and we don't know how to get the most for our money.

At first I had wanted to expand the laundry room out from the back of the house, and include enough space to make it a sufficient mud room and alternate entry with a good size storage closet and also put a bedroom out there as well.
We've also been thinking from the other end of the house to the right of the fireplace would be a good doorway down to a mud room that leads to a garage and then put a loft above with a couple bedrooms. Hell, maybe we need both additions for this house realistically.

But realistically, we don't have the money up front for it, and we also don't have enough equity in the house to borrow from the bank.
Perhaps if we found a way to fund one renovation... we could have the equity to build the other one. It is so damn expensive and we also want to expand our farming endeavors. We need a proper barn especially if we're getting goats and rabbits in the spring like we are planning.

We discussed the option of selling and buying a bigger piece of land and building on it... but it just doesn't feel like the right choice. That would have to be painfully expensive for one thing. And I really like our neighbors here.

Having more property is something that we intend to do in the future. It is an incredible investment to make. It could be property for our children to build houses one day, it could be something that is kept in the family for generations. Who knows.

But that's what has been on my mind.
Here's a general idea of our floor plan. My bathroom is different. There is  a fireplace and built in bookshelves/cabinets on the far wall in the Family Room. The dining room has our most used entry door in it.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Opened A Shop

I have been collecting vintage items for years. Clothes, books, vases, etc.
Throughout all the years and moves and downsizing I ended up getting rid of some of my collection. Which has resulted in some serious face palm action, but overall I'm ok with that. While I love these items and I have a good eye for finding them, I cannot logically keep them, it would be a hoarding situation. Honestly I'd be ok with that, but realistically I need to make arrangements for these amazing vintage finds to go to their new homes.

Therefore I set up an Etsy shop this week! It has been a long time coming and I'm so excited about it!
Getting to share what I love with the world and maybe make some money to help support my family a bit, or fund all my crafty adventures that seem to add up to a bill all their own every month. I think I spent $150 in September on paint and sanders and more paint and hardware for furniture. It seriously adds up.

I painted the dining room table a few weeks back and it is sooo pretty. I've had the dining set for nearly 10 years now and the color really gave it new life. I'm trying to decide if I want to paint the chairs too or if I want to replace the chairs with stools for a cleaner looking dining space. I'll write on my projects at another time. When I have all my photographs organized.

Here is a link to my shop. I only have 4 items listed right now.
Crafty Country Vintage

 As I navigate time management and prep items for sale more will be listed.

Truth be told, I'm pretty excited and I'm happy to have followed through on this after so many years.
Wish me luck.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

All Bark & No Spine

I thought dogs were supposed to be brave and protective.

I went outside to close up the chickens and I was using a headlamp, turns out the chickens have other plans and are sleeping outside tonight. I moved the little hens to the coop and let the boys stay out, they are too numerous and I figure if you've got all your rooster buddies by your side you're a stronger team against anything that might come at you.

So in order not to blind them with the super bright setting I had to cycle through all the options on the head lamp. The red one terrifies our 4 month old puppy, Banner. Well he saw it from about 100 ft away and sounded the alarm. He runs back to the porch and our 5 year old, Jarvis is at the end of the house ignoring me and barking.

This goes on for quite a while as I'm putting my bitty chicky girls into the coop. I assume maybe there is something out in the yard. He could have seen the neighbors cows and needs to just chill. I start making my way across the yard, and what does my big protector dog do?

He takes the fuck off as fast as he can and leaves me and the puppy to fend for ourselves.

I can only assume at this point he just figured I was dead and he was on his own.

I cautiously walked around the back of the house because you just never know if your neutered dog is going to grow a pair and accidentally maul and kill you in your own yard.
There he was, at the back door, waiting for someone to notice him and let him back into the house.

I assume he'd have curled up on the couch and pretended nothing happened at all if I never returned.

Friends, do not rely on an animal for protection or reassurance, it would be heavily misplaced. The more ferocious the dog looks, the more of a wimp he is likely to be.

I honestly think that the puppy has a better handle on himself after witnessing what happened.
What did he do?
Well, he stood his ground on the front porch, tall and brave but cautious. And when I walked toward the house he came off the porch to investigate. Only when I said "Banner its mommy" did he wag his tail and trot up to me.

Maybe this one will be better at protecting, he'd better not look to his older brother for guidance because he's all bark and no spine.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Nighttime Ramblings

There was a time that I had wanted to be a writer. As far as my actual writing goes, I am certain I make many mistakes in writing. Incorrect punctuation and all that sort of stuff that I don't even know what it is.
Maybe you just hire someone to edit that kind of stuff for you and focus on the inspirational aspects instead.

This post is crap, I feel restless, like I need to make something but I don't know what.
I figured with it being 10 pm maybe writing would be a decent creative outlet but I see now that it is nothing more than rambling thoughts.

Everyone has to start somewhere right?

I had a dream last night that I was cutting umbilical cords? That's interesting.

I have all kinds of strange dreams. I wish I could remember more about them when I wake up but it doesn't seem to work like that. Too bad.

I wish I felt like reading. But I don't, I feel like doing.

So I started a load of laundry and said to hell with the sink full of dishes.
Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow with a better sense of what it is that I'm creatively constipated about. I probably have a project to finish that I'm forgetting about.

There is always another project though. At least for me, I use them to keep myself busy so I don't end up thinking too much. Perhaps I spent too much time thinking while I was driving around today.

Something is screaming outside, an animal, a bird? Maybe a rabbit. It makes me so nervous for my chickens.

I think my anxiety is causing all this restlessness. Sometimes it can make a person so productive! Other times its just an uneasy feeling.

Hopefully the next time I write it will be a little more captivating, not that I have an audience though.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Rabbit Hole (January 2017)

I absolutely fell down the rabbit hole after that last post.
A lot happened in the last 6 months. A lot.
While going through chiropractic care after the car accident we were also in the spontaneous process of buying a house!
Which is like one of the most stressful things ever. We had no plans of moving again, but an opportunity presented itself and we simply had to go for it.

Then some family legal stuff. Then holidays. Then I turned 30 which I barely made it through before falling to pieces.

But with so much change on top of anxiety.. I fell apart for a while.

I acted like a crazy person at least a handful of times.

At one point I was certain my marriage wouldnt be able to endure my depression. I can’t go there.

I’m finally seeing a doctor again after years being determined to live with my immune issues and pain. I get answers next week. I’d say maybe antidepressants too but, I’m fine now which leads me to think it’s probably the family bipolar gene. Zippity do dah.

We do not have any home internet(it hasn’t made its way our this far yet haha), so I have tons of time to write, not being distracted by streaming or any other fun stuff lol. But typing hurts my hands. I’m not sure it it is related to medical issues or if I’m out of practice from being unplugged for so long.
 But either way I don’t have a laptop, yet so I can’t connect and share anything anyway.

Maybe that’s part of why things got so bad, I had no platform and neglected the part where I write and self analyze to prevent further damage.
So I’m writing this from my cell phone now because I just have to find a way if it is important enough I suppose.
I could probably blast through all my data writing.

I want to write about my cow neighbors, no really they are cows. And our new rooster Carl. And what life is like without the internet or cable or dish. By the way, netflix still has dvd subscriptions! We have been watching Outlander and I love it!

But for now I’ll just leave this, and say that I fell down the rabbit hole, my anxiety consumed me, and depression tried to destroy everything, but I’ve pulled back out, I didn’t die.
I didn’t die. Sometimes that’s all you can really do, is to choose to live, to keep trying. If everything falls apart and you come out of the wreckage with a beating heart, you’re doing ok.
Not everyone will understand. They don’t have to.
But I didn’t give up in any sense.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Sometimes, I don’t feel like all people really understand anxiety. They are the ones who feel it in small bursts when life gets stressful and things are too much. Many people even have situational anxiety. “Oh okay, you’re feeling anxious.” *pffft*
But I’m talking about the kind that becomes a part of you, it infiltrates your life and gobbles you whole like a monster. It wears out its welcome and it leaves you wishing for those vices, begging for relief.
We were in a car accident, car was totaled while our occupants only endured minor injuries. But it awakened the monster dwelling inside me. I’ve been a mess.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t stay asleep when I do sleep. I feel like I’m being crushed from the outside in and the inside out. Sometimes my body feels like it is going to burst into flames. I can’t breathe. I can’t digest my food properly and end up on the toilet all the fucking time. My body is having an existential crisis. I say “my body” because I usually feel fine in my mind but my body doesn’t know it, it still thinks something is wrong. I worry all the time. My hormones are off, my period is late(no womb minions, thank you very much).
If I can’t keep my mind steady my body reacts even more. Giving in to worry or acknowledging stress is not a good idea. I don’t want to be this person this scared, worried, shaking person, who has irrelevant dreams and relevant dreams who tosses and turns with kicky feet.
I’ve never wanted this.
But anxiety has been a part of who I am since I was little.
I used to get so excited before birthdays and holidays that I’d be sick, vomiting and diarrhea sick. I’ve always been a ball of nerves.

I have anxiety every fucking day, low key manageable anxiety, I live with it and I cope pretty well under the usual circumstances. In the grocery store, driving, waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, making dinner, using the telephone, checking the mail, I worry about the chickens, the cars, the driveway, water toxicity, my children, my child with special needs, homeschooling and not homeschooling. I worry about society and god forbid someone starts with me about this fucking election, I can’t. I’m going to start bursting into tears pretty soon, I’ll hear “Woah I didn’t know she cared so much.” in hushed voices, because I just CAN’T be a stable human being anymore. Because I’ve maxed out my anxiety thresholds. I’m not in control anymore my body is just responding and I don’t know why most of the time.
I worry about family and friends and I always try to be ready and available for them. Sometimes I should be less available that’s for certain. Self preservation fails me time and again and it seems people don’t see me for the ball of nerves that I am.
I’m happy. I’m anxious but I’m really happy in my life. After a while, if I cannot get this anxiety under control I won’t be happy any more.
My fight or flight will kick in, more than it already is, and I will be in crisis mode.
This isn’t where my detailed anxiety experience ends.
This is the point at which I have to do the things that ease my anxiety, even on the days I feel ok. I have to calm my body I have to be centered again. I have to. There are no exceptions.
And this is the song that is coming to mind.
“Everything is going to be alright, rockabye”

Purpose Passion and Other Such Mythical Creatures

Lately my life’s purpose has weighed heavy on my mind.
What am I supposed to be doing?
What will make me feel fulfilled?
How can I leave a mark?
What is my passion?

I’ve been raising children for the last 12 years. They have been my passion, my reason to wake up, my happiness, my purpose. But I cannot put all that onto the backs of my children for one day they will be grown and they will stretch and find they have outgrown me and they will move on.

I don’t want to feel like I’m losing myself when they’ve moved on with their own lives or any such other way that comes from having nothing important in ones life other than her children.

Maybe either way I’m selfish. Maybe I’m supposed to focus on my children and then quickly shift into my next calling when that chapter is through. Maybe I’m just supposed to know how to take it all in stride. But right now, in this life, I need something that is mine.
I need to feel like I’m working towards something.
I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’m scatterbrained and impulsive and flighty. I dream sooo big that I depress myself because some things just cannot be so, no matter how hard you wish it or dream it or want it. I don’t think I have roots, even though I’m the most grounded person I know.

Perhaps I’ve surrounded myself with flighty dreamers.

I call myself a realist.
By realist I mean that I have an abundance of expectations and hopes and ambitions, but I’m scared to death. I am scared that I will fall. That I’ll be ridiculed. That I’m selfish and wrong.

I worry that I simply just want too much and it is like wanting the moon. You long for her and she fools you into thinking she’s all yours, but every other person wants the moon too and not a single one will ever have her.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.
But I sure as hell hope I figure it out before regrets catch up with me.