Monday, January 15, 2018

Life Intentional

I’ve had this ideal of life in my mind for some time. This aspiring goal I guess of who I want to be and how I want to live but in reality I haven’t done nearly enough to make the ideal a real thing that is happening in my life.

Small steps have been made and that’s well and good but I need big changes too.

Sometimes I think back to when we didn’t have home internet. It was harder in some ways, like I wouldn’t be writing this for example. But it was also easier in other ways and it made my days more productive. I wish that I could unplug easier sometimes but now I we have this dependence and it is almost suffocating at times to be completely honest.

I’m going to try to unplug more. Fill my days with more productivity. Get more sleep, binge netflix a little less and hopefully it won’t be miserably hard to get my children on board with a little less screen time. I know it couldn’t hurt.

Who knows maybe my ideal life just is not going to happen for me.

I had this dream once and in it I was living my life completely unencumbered by distractions. I want to live more intentionally. I have to I think my soul needs it.

I don’t thrive in chaos. And life just seems like chaos anymore. Maybe that’s the natural flow of things maybe that’s how things generally are buy are we not the captains here? Are we not the ones paving our paths? We cannot control everything, but we can influence. We have the freedom to make our own choices. To say no, and know when enough is enough and I’m sooooo totally getting there.

I am a natural worrier. Don’t even get me started because I could give you a list as long as this post about things to worry about. I cannot afford to take on other people’s stresses and worries too. I just can’t, I have to know when enough is enough because I absorb it all and can’t let it go. This contributes to my exhausted feelings.

I cannot give away more of myself to others and outside influences than I even possess to be able to build my own life up the way that I want it to be. I can’t, I have to know when enough is enough. It’s hard because I care so damn much. But who gives a shit about me?

No one because real world problems are pretty much zilch for me and I am so grateful. SO SO grateful. Its all philosophical shit, emotional, its deep in the foundational cracks. There isn’t an issue, its just that I want to be truer to who I am. This is what I need.

And a platform to ramble obviously since I’m apparently pretty good at it.

But I need to organize my thoughts and these ideals in my mind and figure out what I am actually capable of doing. If I can be the person that is in my mind.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Who We Are

I've been reflecting lately.
I believe that some parts of who we are have been there inside of us before we even knew it ourselves. 

I've been sneaking sips of coffee since I was a toddler and coffee is one of my favorite drinks. 
I've had an intense fascination wish other cultures, beliefs, and religions since I was a child and it hasn't stopped. 
When I learned about Hanukkah I insisted on getting a little plastic battery operated menorah. I don't remember this, my mother told me about it a little over a year ago when I was talking to her about Judaism.
When I was little I tried to knit pieces of yarn with pencils for knitting needles, despite everyone in my life being crocheters and living in a house full of crochet hooks. I learned recently that knitting comes naturally to me. 

When I was 5 or 6 years old I decided that I was never going to love anyone else the way that I loved the little boy who rode the same bus and lived just down the road. I wanted to marry him, and years later I did.
When I was little I loved thrift shops and antique stores. I always found something that I thought was curious and unique and wanted to bring home. I'm still a collector of unique things. I get so excited at amazing things that could have been lost with time and dust.
I've always loved jelly donuts, the smell of rain, the way new baby cows look curiously around at the new world they're in almost as though they remember being in their mother's wombs more clearly.
The childish wonder of a vivid rainbow has never faded.
I enjoy the smell of warm milk but not the taste and maybe in another 30 years I'll enjoy the taste and think in wonder at how I must have known deep down all this time, but that part of who I am was not yet ready to be.

With some things we just are who we are I think. 
Who we are is who we were before we realized we were old enough to be anything yet.

I'm not sure if we enjoy things so much that they become characteristics or if our, perhaps god-given, ingrained characteristics guide us and shape us into the passions and greatest loves of our lives and who we are ultimately seen as by ourselves and everyone else.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Bending Lest We Break

I hope I can put this into words more eloquently than I anticipate it to sound...

What I thought was going to be an emotional roller coaster of a weekend. Turned out to be pretty great. I don't really know how much to share on such a topic but the truth is family relationships are so hard. It takes a lot of work, as all relationships do.

Sadly it is easier to neglect those connections with time and distance. Then add misconstrued conversations. Then you add in technology and personal insecurities. What a recipe it is. In a time when people are so connected, it is easy to completely disconnect from each other all the same.

I think a lot of reconnecting happened this weekend and it was pretty fucking amazing. I think that with time and distance came too the opportunity for personal growth and independence. Time changes people and so does life.

I'm thankful for this weekend and re-connection with family.
Life is fleeting. Not everyone gets that and it makes you cherish it so much more.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Insecurities About Being A Homemaker

I have really been struggling lately with being a homemaker vs. working outside the home.

I get email updates regularly for new job listings. I read through them meticulously wondering if perhaps one of these jobs might be the right one for me. But mostly the jobs that speak to me require more experience and/or education than I possess. I'm left feeling inadequate and just kind of worthless. Almost like I'm taking things too personally?

However, at the same time I've been trying to focus on being more productive at home. Getting more things done, saving money, being more available and less distracted. I believe that a stay at home mother is supposed to be an asset to her family. I haven't felt like I've been doing this job very well to be honest. I feel like more of a burden than an asset and I spent a good chunk of time crying about it a couple days ago.

If I don't have the skills or education for a job outside the home to be able to contribute financially to my family I have to do this homemaker job well. And if I don't then I've failed monumentally.

But in this I've got to let go a little bit. I've got to accept that this is my decision, that I want to be a homemaker and I want to do it well. Because I don't know that I've taken this job seriously now that my kids have been getting older and I know I've taken this opportunity for granted on many levels.

It is also hard to feel like I'm in the right place. I don't know any other women who are "career homemakers".... if that makes sense, I'm not even sure that's even a term close to what I mean. But I battle feeling like I'm not doing enough because I see so many women working and I know I shouldn't compare but I do. And I admire them so much! I think that they are amazing.

Maybe I feel guilty because I'm not a very good homemaker. But in my mind maybe I'm delusional about what that actually means. I feel like if I'm not good at this job, I really should have a job. And maybe like parenting I'm always going to feel a bit insecure and that doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing an awful job, it could just mean that I want to strive to always improve and get better at it. 

I wonder if other women struggle with these feelings.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Our Little House On The Prairie

I guess you could say I've been dealing with some restless energy. I tend to go all in when there is an idea or a possibility. I want to explore it completely and learn everything that I can.

In most cases this is wasted energy because nothing comes of it.

But at least I am informed completely and that might make it easier to cast aside the crazy ideas from the good ones.

What am I talking about?

Well our house is small. We need more space and we don't know how to get the most for our money.

At first I had wanted to expand the laundry room out from the back of the house, and include enough space to make it a sufficient mud room and alternate entry with a good size storage closet and also put a bedroom out there as well.
We've also been thinking from the other end of the house to the right of the fireplace would be a good doorway down to a mud room that leads to a garage and then put a loft above with a couple bedrooms. Hell, maybe we need both additions for this house realistically.

But realistically, we don't have the money up front for it, and we also don't have enough equity in the house to borrow from the bank.
Perhaps if we found a way to fund one renovation... we could have the equity to build the other one. It is so damn expensive and we also want to expand our farming endeavors. We need a proper barn especially if we're getting goats and rabbits in the spring like we are planning.

We discussed the option of selling and buying a bigger piece of land and building on it... but it just doesn't feel like the right choice. That would have to be painfully expensive for one thing. And I really like our neighbors here.

Having more property is something that we intend to do in the future. It is an incredible investment to make. It could be property for our children to build houses one day, it could be something that is kept in the family for generations. Who knows.

But that's what has been on my mind.
Here's a general idea of our floor plan. My bathroom is different. There is  a fireplace and built in bookshelves/cabinets on the far wall in the Family Room. The dining room has our most used entry door in it.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Opened A Shop

I have been collecting vintage items for years. Clothes, books, vases, etc.
Throughout all the years and moves and downsizing I ended up getting rid of some of my collection. Which has resulted in some serious face palm action, but overall I'm ok with that. While I love these items and I have a good eye for finding them, I cannot logically keep them, it would be a hoarding situation. Honestly I'd be ok with that, but realistically I need to make arrangements for these amazing vintage finds to go to their new homes.

Therefore I set up an Etsy shop this week! It has been a long time coming and I'm so excited about it!
Getting to share what I love with the world and maybe make some money to help support my family a bit, or fund all my crafty adventures that seem to add up to a bill all their own every month. I think I spent $150 in September on paint and sanders and more paint and hardware for furniture. It seriously adds up.

I painted the dining room table a few weeks back and it is sooo pretty. I've had the dining set for nearly 10 years now and the color really gave it new life. I'm trying to decide if I want to paint the chairs too or if I want to replace the chairs with stools for a cleaner looking dining space. I'll write on my projects at another time. When I have all my photographs organized.

Here is a link to my shop. I only have 4 items listed right now.
Crafty Country Vintage

 As I navigate time management and prep items for sale more will be listed.

Truth be told, I'm pretty excited and I'm happy to have followed through on this after so many years.
Wish me luck.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

All Bark & No Spine

I thought dogs were supposed to be brave and protective.

I went outside to close up the chickens and I was using a headlamp, turns out the chickens have other plans and are sleeping outside tonight. I moved the little hens to the coop and let the boys stay out, they are too numerous and I figure if you've got all your rooster buddies by your side you're a stronger team against anything that might come at you.

So in order not to blind them with the super bright setting I had to cycle through all the options on the head lamp. The red one terrifies our 4 month old puppy, Banner. Well he saw it from about 100 ft away and sounded the alarm. He runs back to the porch and our 5 year old, Jarvis is at the end of the house ignoring me and barking.

This goes on for quite a while as I'm putting my bitty chicky girls into the coop. I assume maybe there is something out in the yard. He could have seen the neighbors cows and needs to just chill. I start making my way across the yard, and what does my big protector dog do?

He takes the fuck off as fast as he can and leaves me and the puppy to fend for ourselves.

I can only assume at this point he just figured I was dead and he was on his own.

I cautiously walked around the back of the house because you just never know if your neutered dog is going to grow a pair and accidentally maul and kill you in your own yard.
There he was, at the back door, waiting for someone to notice him and let him back into the house.

I assume he'd have curled up on the couch and pretended nothing happened at all if I never returned.

Friends, do not rely on an animal for protection or reassurance, it would be heavily misplaced. The more ferocious the dog looks, the more of a wimp he is likely to be.

I honestly think that the puppy has a better handle on himself after witnessing what happened.
What did he do?
Well, he stood his ground on the front porch, tall and brave but cautious. And when I walked toward the house he came off the porch to investigate. Only when I said "Banner its mommy" did he wag his tail and trot up to me.

Maybe this one will be better at protecting, he'd better not look to his older brother for guidance because he's all bark and no spine.