Friday, December 12, 2014

Discontent Midnight Musings

I said earlier that I believe you can love someone to the ends of the earth but at times still kind of want to push them off if you could or heave yourself over the edge. 
No matter how my day has gone when gazing at my sleeping children I feel rejuvenated. Awestruck, in love with who they are. I want to kiss their faces and hug their little bodies and wake them accidentally-on-purpose so that I might have a moment to apologize, if only for the things I was keeping to myself all along. To gain a minute more to appreciate them and show them my love when I was instead impatient. To just tell them how amazing they are.
But I realize, I need to forgive myself. Perfection was never my aim, just to give them my best. Which I will continue to aim for.

This applies even to the good days, when I sat and colored for fifteen minutes not thirty then I see a small child sleeping peacefully and I am discontent inside. I could have sat longer, played more, read on. I don't want to feel so dependant on tomorrows for having seen what I missed today.

This stuff... the stuff of life and love and trying so hard.
This has been brought to you by tapping thumbs and a mama snug in bed hoping her cell holds out long enough to post these ramblings.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Bittersweet Farewell and Hello Again!

I've shared the following message on Facebook all week and for easy linking I'm sharing again like I said I would!
"I've decided that I will be walking away from Facebook until further notice. I have been feeling a tugging to step away for a little while now and I'm going to listen.
We have a home phone, no cell phone, texting our home phone will not be productive, message me for the number at which you can call me. I have an email address too,  and there is a chat option in there if you have gmail too.
I'm going to take more time to write and blog,  so you can check in on what's going on there(just subscribe, it's easy :) ).
We are also kind of on YouTube... I'm trying to get better at it.
Oh and instagram if you like pictures of food, homeschool things, rats and pitbulls @raelafaye
Also feel free to send me cool ideas on pinterest!
Happy Holidays  
eel free to link me to your accounts and blogs and awesome things. Emails and phone numbers too!"

The official "Dear John Letter" if you're curious mind is wondering ...

Dear Facebook,
I'd tell you it was me not you, but I'd be lying. It is you. You see, I have a problem. A very real problem, a need for information. And as we both know, there is better information than what you're bringing to this relationship. I am a compulsive reader you should know by now. With my clicking habits what they are, good or bad, happy or sad, if there is something to be read, I'm clicking. I'm learning so much but some days I'm uncontrollably sad and irritable. I'm angry with you and angry with myself. I wonder if I am wasting valuable passion and energy.
I have a love hate relationship with you. Oh the people I have met, the wonderful beautiful people! The people with their ideas and passions that make my soul happy for knowing them. Seeing their dreams unfold fills my heart with love. Getting to share in their joy through you, Facebook, has been great.
But now I have to focus on myself and my family. I have to write more and feel and dream. I have to make magic and share wonder. I have to stop being distracted and using my precious energy on whatever whims you carry me away on. I'm holding myself accountable and walking away.
Maybe it isn't you at all, maybe it is me. And that, old friend, that's ok too.

I look forward to spending more time writing. Let me know you're here now and then with a comment.  

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Mothering Is In My Bones

Today, being a homemaker, a stay at home wife and mother is not a luxury  most experience. But in and of itself it is also a sacrifice of sorts. It is a blessing as well to stay home and raise children, to take care of the home, and to devote one's life in such ways. 

A woman must sacrifice an income, an entire career in most cases, in order to stay home with her children. This too has an impact on the entire family. She has to be secure enough in her decision not to doubt herself. She has to trust that being a stay at home mother is not going to negatively impact the lives of her husband and children. When she is unsure, well she has to build herself back up or risk falling due to her own undoing.

A woman who can choose to stay home with her children also puts an enormous amount of pressure on herself to do her very best. Anything less than her best would be an insult and a waste of being at home, she will perceive it this way. She is unquestionably hard on herself and feeling under the weather often leads to feelings of worthlessness . It is hard for her to accept that some days she will be less than her best albeit still her best in that moment and under those circumstances. Oh the circumstances there will be. She will devote more of herself to being her best than she will even realize.
When urged to do something for herself away from home she won't have any idea what that could be because everything she loves is under one roof. The people she loves to be with the activities she enjoys the most. Even the quiet corners of her home are more desirable than any coffee shop or library. When she wants to go to the library she will want to take the ones she loves. She wants them to enjoy the opportunity it offers. When she wants to go out for coffee she will want to do so with her husband. When the time comes that she wants to set out alone and do something for herself, she won't need to be encouraged to do so and God help you if you try to stop her, she will just need an able bodied partner to kiss goodbye as she walks out the door.

At the end of the day she knows that doing anything else no matter how worldly, luxurious, or desirable would change the life that she has built. She would not be the same and neither would her children. She would have different memories, different goals, and different relationships. Perhaps that would be ok too. Perhaps it would be an equally wonderful life. But this is the life she has and wants; this stay at home wife and mother life is what she was called to do. She knows this with every beat of her heart and dream in her soul.

This is my truth anyway. Some days I feel inadequate for the task I'm so obviously blessed to have. Some days I feel like I am doing my family an injustice by not providing more financial security and opportunity. Some days also turn into weeks at times when I don't remember to build myself back up or confess my fears and worries with someone who cares about me. When I don't surround myself with the kind of support that I need from my husband, trusted friends, or through spiritual outlets I easily fall into a void. When I sit down with my thoughts and feelings I find that I'm doing my very best. I'm doing what is in my heart to do; mothering is in my bones. Maybe I'll go to work one day the future is unpredictable. I have passions that inspire me, my life is not all housework and raising children.  Well, some days it is and that's great too. I know that this time is fleeting and this is not the time for me personally to pursue anything else but I don't want to do anything else. Forcing myself to pursue dreams that I haven't even had yet would equate with "keeping up with the Joneses" and would be for the wrong reasons. I would not be able to live with that kind of regret. I will never regret spending these years with my children. But I know I would regret the alternative.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Quotes In Passing

Yesterday I said, "I want everything I do to be deliberate. I won't be passive or fearful or controlling. My state of mind will be clear, compassionate, trusting, and most of all deliberate. I want to live purposefully and confidently. That is what I will do."
This is exactly how I try to live.
In a world that is growing more fearful daily I seem to be the silly one.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Goodbye Jabby Bras!

When you grow up its the small things (I'm so punny, you'll see...) that matter most.
Like new underwear and bras that don't jab you.

Or maybe you just know you're old when you squeal with excitement when you see your package of bras and underwear is on the front porch under your mail box.This could be true. I'm not ashamed.

They are sitting on the porch in mail packaging because when you know what you want and where you'll get it and exactly what size you need. There is very little reason to go to the mall unless your spontaneously shopping. You see now, you start getting more practical with age. 

But this feels like Christmas! I absolutely love Aerie lingerie. I highly recommend Aerie to all my lady friends who's breasts we talk about to each other... you know those friends!  :)

I'm a small busted lady and it is important to find the right bra for such a small job. Because lets face it, ladies with small breasts struggle to find a bra that grabs onto those little babies and holds them tightly where they need to be. The right bras allow a woman to buy the right kinds of clothing for her body type.

Bras make us feel great through to the bitter end. When you're standing there over the trash can, broken worn down bra in hand and it is time for a final goodbye, you wonder to yourself many things. Maybe I can keep this jabby bra for days when I'm in the garden sweating. What if I run out of bras and have nothing to wear and there is an emergency and I need to be wearing a bra for it... it could happen... right?

So here you have it... and I will eternally want more.
Realizing I could have arranged these to look like a funky rainbow... until next time...

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Summer Vacation for the Homeschool Mom!

I smell summer! We are nearing the end of our "homeschool year". I feel like a summer vacation is just as much for me as it is for my kids! Anyone else? Because honestly I cannot wait!!!

Summer vacation for myself as a homeschool mom means:

  • Reading books and not remembering to write down the author and title for a book log.
  • I'm going to stop to smell the flowers without using words like photosynthesis or noting plant adaptations.
  • I will mix batter and make cookies and not ask a child to come read measurements but to just lick the bowl!
  • I will request boogers go in tissue and not call it health class. hahaha
  • I will not divide up natural learning into subjects that I can log because I won't have to.
  • We will paint and construct without wondering if it is math class or if it is art.
  • We will garden without worrying about science lessons or health.

Homeschooling in Pennsylvania comes with a plethora of paperwork and second guessing on my part. I am constantly wondering if I am doing enough. If I am missing something. I overdid it this year. It is our first year homeschooling and I would rather have back up documentation than too little documented.

I think I am more nervous since we didn't purchase a curriculum and we like to improvise and change our minds as we go along.Nothing stood out to me and I really didn't know my kids various learning styles and needs.
As eager as I am to get started sifting through their interests for the fall and making book lists I am forcing myself to get these portfolios completed, evaluations done, letter of intent filed, and take a break too! 

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Vitamix Tomato Soup

After making the Messy Veggie Lasagna I had a couple cups of tomato sauce left over.

I had mentioned that I would love to try making homemade tomato soup just a few days before that and so that's what I did.

Tomato Sauce
1 (28oz) Can Plum Tomatoes with Basil
2 Tablespoons tomato paste
1/2 c. sugar
2 tsp. Oregano
Garlic Powder - to taste
Onion Powder - to taste

Then I added:
1/2 c. milk 2%
1/2 c. half and half

Since the sauce was still very warm I just gave it a quick blend and it was warm throughout.
It was probably the best tomato soup I've ever had.
Although, I'm not sure I've ever had homemade tomato soup before.

I should add that my husband who was never fond of tomato soup really enjoyed this.