Make the time.

~ We never took the time to sit down and discuss what kinds of parents we intended to be. Only ever embracing life as we went along. Day by day, phase by phase, milestones and digital images.
Why is this the case? Shouldn't we sit back and close our eyes and envision the kind of life we want to have with our children with the intent of making that a reality? You know, BEFORE getting to the point where you're looking in the mirror saying - 'I'm an impatient disconnected fuck of a parent' or 'This is not what I wanted to become' or 'I could have been better'.
After all, "The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them. They don't remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are."- Jim Henson
You should ALWAYS reevaluate yourself, your intentions, and reflect upon how you have influenced your children. What message are you giving them? Are you the kind of person you hope your children become?
~ <3 Rachel

Unguided-Unstructured Education for One

I thought that putting my littlest child into preschool would help her. I also thought that it would help me too. I desperately needed to get a couple hours here and there to myself. I thought that a more structured environment would be good for her. That she would observe other kids, and listen to her teachers and she might be easier to direct at home as a result.
I was wrong.

My little girl loved school, her teachers, and her new friends. But she began regressing developmentally at home. All that potty training... well that went right out the window. I tried my hardest to endure this but I was failing. So, after months of regression with potty training we pulled her from school. She has since improved. Her behavior seems to be improving as well.

It is now that I realize how wrong I was about my child needing "more structure". What she needed was for me to become less structured too in order to understand her and meet her needs.
I am entirely too organized sometimes in life.
I am controlling and if I can't "control" (or give myself the illusion that I am in control of) the situation or circumstances well then I become an extremely anxious crazy lady.

So now dear readers, the point: I am going to be providing my dear child with her preschool education in the fall. 
I am putting together ideas, resources, and an education "plan". Or unplanned education; perhaps she'll guide me.

She's Not Bulletproof

I'm far from perfect in the sense that, if someone was coming to visit, I would make my bed, but any other day of the week it is a mess. 

I am trying and I am sinking. Like quick sand.
The more you try to pick yourself up the more it sucks you down.

My youngest child is having some issues. My oldest child is having problems too. The middle kiddo, she's skipping without missing a step, unless of course if you count the allergy issues. *sigh*

I am getting calls, being questioned. And forever I am doubting my own parenting.
You know, the number ONE thing that I do with my time as a stay at home mother. Perhaps I am being selfish when I'm saying/thinking "WHY is this happening to ME!?". It could always be worse and our little problems aren't really so bad at all.

I feel this. This is real to me. This is my reality and it's sucking me under with every step that I take.

Gluten Information For YOU

Here are some simple links to more information about wheat allergy, gluten intolerance, and celiac disease.

Wheat allergy information, Click Here.

Gluten sensitivity information, Click Here.

Celiac Disease information, Click Here.



Some other reads:

Gluten Free Diet Information and Charts

Because People Won't Understand


And Recipes!

Rice Pasta!

More information coming soon!

P.S. "Fad Diets" of being Gluten Free piss me off, people do not understand it at all. This is an entirely new lifestyle for someone who is unable to eat gluten for whatever reason. Don't be a jackass. And DO NOT tell someone that they are "lucky" that they can't eat gluten. Seriously? LUCKY?!? You my friend, are an idiot if you think this. Imagine not being able to eat pancakes, macaroni and cheese, cookies, cake, pasta, bread. Unless of course you pay lots of money and like the "weird tasting" alternatives. Just... don't tell someone they are lucky because they cannot eat wheat.

Limiting gluten for health reasons on the other hand is awesome. Gluten is bad for everyone.

Words from this Crazy Lady to a Friend

One of my friends is having a down and unmotivated day.
She was feeling overwhelmed with all that mom stuff that has to be done.
I told her: 

~Don't focus on what you think you *should* be doing. Just do whatever you do and reflect about it later.

Don't tell yourself "I should do laundry" or "I should be cleaning the _____"

What you're doing is creating negative feelings.

Just think back to all the "should's" and tell them all to fuck off and you're doing what you WANT to do today. Do laundry if you WANT to...or do it without thinking. 

I have been making myself just do things, go through the motions, not thinking about it. I didn't vacuum for almost 2 weeks.... lol because every time I started thinking about vacuuming I was getting the "should" feeling and felt angry and pathetic.

So I vacuumed when I could walk up to the vacuum and just do it.

Not everything works like that.. but there are a lot of things that you can put off until your frame of mind is in a better place with it.

I had actually noticed that my negative feelings were affecting the kids most when I was running on high and taking care of all the things that I *should* take care of.
I was getting resentful and irritable. I started bitching at the kids and told them, "I have to do (and named of a dozen things)" which made them feel negatively and it was all just a big ball of sad stuff. So my carpets are no longer getting scrubbed endlessly. The dishes WILL wait till morning. The oven WILL be crusty. And I WILL be happier.~ 

Don't judge... you couldn't even tell I hadn't vacuumed... no idea how that actually worked out but it did. 

Realization and Acceptance

It has been a while. I have not been writing here, or anywhere for weeks.
I have been trying to sort through things.
Trying to take it all in without cracking. Let me tell you, it's not easy.

I am realizing a lot of things about myself. With that I am really working hard on sifting through it, I guess I am processing myself.
I have to accept myself now. I have to accept all the little things I dislike or they will chew me up and spit me out. I have to accept that that I am NOT like this person or that person. That I may never be even close to who I really want to be but that being me is ok. I have been chasing "normal" for a very long time and always falling short.
I have to embrace who I am and make the best of it.
No more fake smiles because I am not kidding anyone anyways! I need to accept this and I need to take small steps toward improvements. Because sitting around wishing for things is like digging a bigger hole of self pity and it is plenty deep enough. 


As I walk along this untamed path please be understanding.

Invisibly Scattered

Can't you see I'm crawling, and scratching at the seams? 
Can't you see I'm crying out with silent dying screams? 
Can't you see I'm crumbling and crashing from the start? 
Can't you see I'm struggling and falling fast apart? 
Can't you see I'm dying here with all these broken dreams? 
Can't you see I'm trying to mend the broken screams? 
Can't you see I'm falling down, again and again? 
Can't you see I'm scattered here and twitching from within? 

Can't you see I'm broken and crying out for help? 


You can't see it because on the outside,
I'm smiling just like this. 

 

Sometimes, that which you cannot see is what is the most real aspect of life to someone else.