2021 Life & Plans

❤We moved this spring back to our old house and sold the little house we homesteaded at. 

The amount of projects we completed has been intense to say the least. 

Painted the entire house minus the bathroom. The bathroom will be gutted next year and completely redesigned & renovated. We refinished the original hardwood floors in two rooms. We still need to get carpet for the living room.

The screen porch had to be completely repaired. New screens, flooring, paint, screen door, and blinds. The deck needed repainted too. The front porch still needs finished: paint and railings and we are adding a second set of steps next to the driveway. 

We put up 320 ft of 6 ft privacy fence. Bought a large shed for a home gym & workshop space. The shed needs some finishing done and we need electric ran to it. 

I'm planning to set up one room as a home library/ hobby space for myself. I'm planning cabinets below and bookshelves to the ceiling on one wall. This is one of the rooms that has refinished hardwood floors and it should be absolutely gorgeous when it is finished. For now, I'm chilling in here typing this up surrounded by boxes of books, home decor we haven't hung, and crafty things that don't quite have homes yet.

We are buying a hot tub from my in laws so that's a whole project getting it set up and electric which will be done at the same time as the shed. 

It’s been a 2020 of a year.

DECEMBER 19, 2020 / RACHEL / EDIT

2020 has been… hard. 

Health Stuff: 
I started the year feeling miserable. I requested fewer days at my job because my days off were spent recuperating or falling apart from the level of physical activity from the days before. Fast forward to the pandemic and the store I was working at closed permanently. 

I almost got a diagnosis of Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease, my symptoms align with UCTD but my lab work was negative for the markers. I ended up with a stomach ulcer in the spring followed by severe digestive issues that lasted from June-December. I lost nearly 20 pounds in two and a half months and I swear about half of my hair. So I asked the rheumatologist if this could be IBS related to something else I have going on. He said it might be IBD/Chron’s/Celiac disease, and sent me to a gastroenterologist and said I don’t need to return to their office unless my pain increases… To which I’m thinking, increases to what!? But basically they can’t do anything else and they’ve ruled out all the things they know to test for within their specialty. Other doctors tell me my pain is rheumatological in nature…. but apparently it isn’t because they’ve ruled out everything. 

The gastroenterologist didn’t listen to everything I was saying and made his own assumptions so I went for a stomach scope, which showed retained food after more than 10 hours. Followed by a gastric emptying study which was normal. I follow up next month, it should be pretty straight forward at this point as to what is going on. But knowing my luck they’ll send me to another specialist or send me away without a diagnosis at all. 

On the upside… All of the sudden things seem to be easing up but I’m cautiously optimistic. I’m hopeful that maybe I can slowly start adding foods back into my diet that I had to cut out entirely. This is not a new ailment at all, over the years I have had flares of digestive issues, usually not lasting long enough to necessitate seeing a doctor for… or so I tell myself because it’s not a primary concern, unless it lasts for months on end. 

My experience so far has always been, “well everything looks normal”. Ok, but why is this happening and still considered normal? 

Homestead Stuff: 
With all our time at home, we were feeling super inspired to revamp our little homestead and we had big plans. So we bought 25 Cornish cross chickens to raise and butcher. And the following week a dozen new layer hens because raccoons kept picking off our older hens all summer. The meat bird raising and butchering went really well and the meat is fantastic. I’d recommend it to anyone who has the space and the stomach for butchering an animal. 

But my body can’t do this anymore, not even chickens. 

Coupled with the fact that we’re always struggling financially to just exist and what that will mean for my husband’s retirement, or lack of. Leads me to my next point: we’ve decided to sell our house. No more chickens, goats, pigs, rabbits, turkeys, ducks, any of it. No more big garden plans, no more greenhouse dreaming, no more talk of building a barn. We loaded up the new egg layers and took them to my dad. Raccoons got to his flock as well this spring so he was glad for the new chickens. 

This chapter is ending. We’ve made peace with it. 
Really that’s all that you can do. 
Do your best and make peace with your decisions. 

I am definitely planning on putting together some videos for our inactive YouTube channel once we actually have internet service again. That stuff is just too hard when you’re trying to keep your cell phone’s hotspot from disconnecting every 20 minutes and trying not to use up all your data.

A Letter To Myself

MAY 3, 2020 / RACHEL / EDIT

I miss my goats. I miss the rabbits.

I miss the notion of the life I was trying to build up around myself.

I miss life before things got so hard. I miss having that energy I used to have. I miss feeling alive because what I’ve been feeling is much like surviving or enduring.

I took everything for granted. I wish that I had known then what I know now, what I would feel now. How my life would change. There are so many things that I would have told my younger self, but I don’t know if she would have listened.

I’d have told her to make time to do yoga, don’t fall off that wagon, don’t stop and don’t get distracted by a sweet puppy who wants to make things hard.

Keep eating the healthy foods! For the love of God, don’t treat yourself like a trash compactor. ( I type this as I literally have pretzels and a chocolate chip cookie next to me but hey I’m drinking water at least so there is that.) Drink more water than you think you need and eat your vegetables.. start there and increase it because you asshat, vegetables are good for you and you like them!

If something hurts, stop! You’re not feeling normal pain and fatigue. Something is wrong and you need to slow the hell down. But you won’t know this for a couple more years. Instead you’ll just think you must be really out of shape, weak, and pathetic.

Oh my darling, your body is setting you up for failure.

It might feel like you’re dying at times but you’ll eventually wake up feeling great. You’ll be having a good day and you’re going to overdo it all over again. You’ll be back in bed lying there wishing you could be doing anything else. This cycle will repeat indefinitely. You’re going to feel guilt and shame because you just don’t know yet what is going on. It will be frustrating.

You will feel more depressed than makes sense when your pain levels peak. It is hard to keep a smile on your face when there is so much pain to endure and every doctor tells you that you’re fine.
And all the tests are perfect.
And you’re going to wonder if it is in fact…. all in your head.

It is not in your head.

Then one day… the doctor will say that if he had to put a label on it… he would say you have Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease and maybe POTS. Which makes sense for some of it and now you’re going to have to figure out how to navigate that information. However, with negative blood work...this is not a diagnosis. 

Come to terms with the fact that finding a job outside of the home that fits all of your physical needs is probably not an option. But thankfully you’ve got a husband who can support the whole family on his income. Figure out what you CAN do and do that.

You’re going to feel jealous at times of others. But remember we all have our own struggles in life. Just like others have no idea that you’re in pain, you have no idea what they are going through either.

Some things in life just are and this is one of those things. But don’t give up on yourself, your dreams, or your body; do your best with what life has given you.
After all it really is a pretty good life.

Everything Hurts: Medical Mysteries-Histories

JANUARY 22, 2020 / RACHEL / EDIT

I’ve been hesitant to share specifics because I don’t want pity and it feels like I’m very exposed when I think about it but the fact is… I really value transparency.

I have a lot of different medical things going on that I believe are all connected. I’ll first start by saying I am 33 now so that if you’re reading this you’ve got a pretty good idea how long I’ve been dealing with these issues.

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When I was around 13 I noticed that I could pop my right hip in and out painlessly and thought that was pretty strange and a bit cool, because lets face it I was a kid. When I was 14-15 I had some issues with my knees being “weak”. I had tried to join cross country but ended up with horrible pain in my knees and my primary dr said it was muscle weakness around the knee, I went to physical therapy a couple of times. After that I started exercising and dancing more at home on my own but my knees were never running material.

My stepdad got a motorcycle when I was about 15/16, he took me for a ride on it after which, my skin was hurting but also kind of numb feeling and I broke out in painful hives. Sun? Wind? Something environmental? I have no idea what happened and that was my first ever experience with hives. I did not get back on the motorcycle unless my skin was completely covered.

2004 – I was 17 and had my first baby at 38 weeks

2005 – 18 years old: I was having trouble keeping weight on no matter how much I ate. My clothes were basically falling off of me and people thought that I was doing drugs.

2006 – I kept getting sick with strep throat so I had my tonsils and adenoids removed.  Pregnancy with second child; I was put on bed rest right around 20 weeks as my body was trying to go into labor early. My uterus was “ballooning” near the cervix and I was starting to dilate. Meds and bed rest worked. My water broke at 37 weeks, no contractions though and I had to be induced, it was a stressful delivery but with a good outcome.

2006-winter- 2007 is when I started getting strange rashes,  many ulcers in my mouth that made it difficult if not impossible to eat and I was literally starving. I had to wean my baby abruptly to a bottle because I couldn’t make enough breast milk to keep her satisfied because I couldn’t take in enough calories because the pain was unbearable. I did eventually get a prescription ointment that would cover the ulcers enough that I could eat soft foods quickly but that wasn’t an easy task. I had to tell my primary doctor to consult with another doctor and figure out what I needed after she incorrectly called in a lidocane mouth rinse that specifically said (DO NOT EAT WHILE USING THIS MEDICATION). I was livid. I called the doctors office, I got snippy I told them I was starving and not producing enough breast milk for my infant and try again after consulting with someone or doing research. I also put my back out of place so badly I was pretty much confined to a laying down position for a week. It hurt to breath. I couldn’t make it to the doctor to get my back adjusted and I didn’t have a support system in place to assist me through that time. It was fucking horrid. I almost pissed myself a few times trying to climb the stairs to the bathroom. I’m sure there was more going on but that was a long time ago. 2007-2008 I had a lot of random chest pain but I don’t think I mentioned this to a doctor, I blew it off as being too young for heart issues so it must just be anxiety.

But I got through all of that and didn’t have many other issues until after my youngest child was born(2009) she was born at 36 weeks. In 2010(23 years old) I started having a lot of issues with food sensitivities, fatigue, depression/anxiety, and unexplained pain in my hands. I had a new doctor at this point. All of the sudden I also had seasonal allergies. My doctor prescribed a steroidal nasal spray and prescription allergy medication but said I could use over the counter allergy medication if I chose to. The prescription saved me some money, but hurt my stomach so I switched to OTC allergy medications. I started getting ulcers in my mouth again(I would later discover the nasal spray caused ulcers). I relied heavily on those allergy meds because if my sinuses got too snotty, I’d end up with an infection. At one point I had no symptoms of a sinus infection but I had symptoms of a brain tumor. My doctor ordered a CT and discovered my tumor symptoms were actually from a bad sinus infection.
At one point prior to this I had another sinus infection and was continuously passing the germs to my kids. Their pediatrician was the one who discovered this and called in a prescription for me as well. I feel like he took one look at me and knew where the infections my kids kept getting were coming from. So I kept with the allergy meds and went to the doctor any time headaches started coming back as that usually meant another infection in my sinuses.
2010 – I had to have my IUD mirena removed because it caused horrible cramps.

I also had some nerve testing done on my arms to see if we could pin point a cause for my pain and stiffness in my hands along with the numbness in the ring and pinky fingers. This all came back normal and I didn’t get any explanation. My blood work was normal too. Doctor didn’t suspect carpal tunnel syndrome and that was the end of trying to find answers. I learned to live with the pain.

2011 I decided to try a gluten free diet after my food issues were getting worse and reading that it can help with pain. Turns out it helped a ton! My hands felt much better. But it isn’t easy to stick to and eventually I started eating gluten again.

In 2012 I started having some pretty shit days again, migraines and deep deep feelings of guilt that I couldn’t keep up with life anymore, I was a control freak and I hadn’t learned to delegate or depend on others. I decided to try a vegan gluten free diet but I cannot remember what year that was… 2014?  I felt amazing but restrictive diets are hard to stick to.

Sometime in 2013 I started having low grade fevers. The only other thing that accompanied the fever was headaches or migraines. I also had some random stabbing chest pain near my heart, the doctor said it was anxiety. My allergies also got worse at this time. I had allergy testing done after 2 weeks off of my OTC allergy medication. My results were negative except for being allergic to cockroaches. But I discovered that I had fewer allergy symptoms off the OTC meds! So I stopped taking them. In 2014 we went on a camping trip with friends and I decided it would be best to take some seasonal allergy pills along with. My seasonal allergies were fine with the OTC medication but suddenly I was having contact dermatitis on my lips and mouth from strawberries(which I have always eaten with no issue). For the following week I had issues with all the high histamine foods I ate. Fruits, nuts, etc. At the time I was eating super healthy…salads, smoothies, so this was very disappointing not to mention uncomfortable.

I also suddenly became very allergic to latex, which I figured out after a painful dental appointment one week, and then a gynecologist appointment the next… exposing your genitals to an allergen is horrific in case you didn’t know.

2013 – The mysterious vibrating left leg. You couldn’t see it, or feel it to touch, but my left leg would feel like it was buzzing. It would last hours at a time.

2016 I was in a car accident which led to a flare of all my symptoms thus far. I think it was the stress on my body, the stress on my mind. Moving TWICE in 6 months. My hips started hurting so bad that I would lay in bed and cry. I cried for the life I wanted but couldn’t have. I cried for my children and husband having to deal with me being so damn broken. I became so depressed over those last months of 2016. I was definitely a danger to myself. I believed my family would be better off without me. I felt like a nuisance. After the accident I was seen by a chiropractor for several weeks and lots of adjustments. Sometimes the adjustments caused migraines. My hip and low back pain just kept getting worse and nothing helped. I stopped going to the chiropractor except when it was absolutely necessary.

At this point I was guessing that my pain was caused from fibromyalgia.

January 2017 I went to a new doctor after years of not having a primary doctor. I talked about my depression and anxiety, I talked about my pain. I was prescribed Cymbalta and I noticed an improvement within a couple of weeks(I also had blood work done to rule out lyme, inflammation, arthritis, and any deficiencies: all my tests were normal). My depression and anxiety decreased and my pain was almost gone except for days when I was very active. I started working in the spring although it was short lived because the work was very stressful and anxiety inducing which caused me to have more “bad days” than good along with skin rashes that were so irritating that I was scratching myself raw and causing bruises.

I decided to quit and spend more time focusing on my health and home and our little farm. I had fewer bad days and didn’t need to modify my diet (I gained 20 pounds between 2018 and now I’m sure as a result of this new food freedom!) And our farm grew so much… we added more chickens, ducks, goats, rabbits, pigs… I was feeling good, cymbalta changed my life.

2018 I was having a lot of chest pains for a few weeks so I decided to go to the dr for that before it stopped again as fast as it started. But the heart monitor didn’t find anything abnormal.

In spring 2019 I started working again outside the home. And this is when my symptoms started getting worse again. More bad days, especially after physically strenuous days. We also did some renovations in our house that really wiped me out physically. It started taking more time to “bounce back” again to having good days.
Over the summer I started getting rashes from being in the sun. I was working a lot of hours and just completely wiped out by evening so the garden I lovingly planted in the spring became overgrown and disappointing. I felt yet again, like a total failure.

I mostly just dealt with everything until the fall when I decided to start searching for a diagnosis and help feeling better. The pain was impacting my mental health.

The end of October 2019 my doctor ordered blood work again, referred me to a rheumatologist, and increased my Cymbalta by 30mg. The side effects from the Cymbalta increase were terrible and I basically slept through November with no improvement in my pain symptoms so I took myself back down to 60mg.
In November the rheumatologist ordered some more blood work, it once again ruled out inflammation, arthritis, lyme, lupus, and autoimmune connective tissue diseases.
I was however diagnosed with Raynaud’s phenomenon, which is fairly common but at least I had one answer for some weird symptoms.
This year we got rid of some of our farm animals, a lot of them actually, I couldn’t keep up with it.

2020- Early this month I went back to my primary doctor for the hand pain that had been bothering me for most of December. He thought that it was tendonitis in my thumbs and referred me to a hand specialist who was able to get me in just a few days later. They took xrays and concluded that it seems to be rheumatological in nature. Prescribed 2 aleve 2x a day and said to follow up with the rheumatologist. NSAIDS had started hurting my stomach at this point so I only took them as needed. I started needing them more and more which led to a stomach ulcer. 

So now I wait until March(written 1/22/20)
I’m working on cleaning up my diet and forming good healthy habits again. Regular exercise is the hardest because I have a lot of days when I feel like exercise is just going to max out my abilities for the day.
A couple weeks ago I danced to a song with my 10 year old…. 5 minutes of dancing caused me to feel dizzy, nauseous and weak. I had to lay down for 30 minutes to feel better. I’m not that out of shape(I’m 5’3 & 140lbs) and on days I work I’m on my feet doing things for 5-7 hours. However, after this month I’ll be super part time working only a couple of days a month because I just cannot work and keep up with my family/house or my health. I took my time coming to this decision as I really like my job, but I need to be home more. I need more time… I need to start going to counseling again because carrying all of this shit around is heavy and I know that talking helps.

Current Symptom Recap:

Tendon, Muscle, & Joint Pain
Low Grade Fever/Temperature Disregulation
Migraines
Rashes/Skin Sensitivity
Raynaud’s Phenomenon
Back Spasms
Bursitis
Subluxations – Joints That Are Loose/Weak
Tendonitis
Fatigue
Buzzing Leg
Hand Pain & Numbness
Chest Pain
Muscle Weakness
Exercise Fatigue
Depression & Anxiety
Sensory Issues

Health Update

JANUARY 10, 2020 / RACHEL / EDIT

My primary doctor thinks my hand pain is from the tendon that runs from the wrist up the thumb and diagnosed it as De Quervain’s Disease tenosynovitis. I see a specialist next week. An injection may be an effective treatment option.
When it gets bad I can’t open the simplest things, it hurts to wash my hair and brush my teeth. I get clumsy and drop things. My wrists will feel weaker and less able to grasp. This has been a problem for me off and on since 2010.

I’m not sure if I mentioned my Raynaud’s Phenomenon diagnosis from the nurse practitioner at my rheumatologist’s office. 
Basically the blood vessels constrict blood flow to my hands and feet for absolutely no good reason, (because that’s how something with the word “phenomenon” in the name works). It hurts really bad when the blood flow returns to the area. I’m sure most people who live in colder climates know that feeling well.. you’ve just spent some time outside building a snowman or some other such thing, you come into the warm house and take off your cold wet gloves, as your fingers start to warm up again, you feel that stinging burning sensation. It’s like that except it doesn’t take much to trigger it.

I’ve been thinking about getting a gym membership and trying out swimming for some low impact exercise. I can’t even do the littlest amount of exercise or the bursitis in my right hip starts coming back. Maybe I should try the injection for that too… I need to read up on it some more.

I had a bunch of blood work done and I’m not sure what all was ruled out specifically(it was a lot) but it is not autoimmune connective tissue disease like lupus, rheumatiod arthritis, or sjorgrens. My vitamin D was very low so I’m taking a once a week supplement for a few months then switching to a daily.

I also keep getting tendonitis pain in my feet, like the tops of my feet so I’m going to try to pay more attention to my shoes as it can be caused from pressure on the top of the foot from shoes. Fun stuff right?

I would love to know if there is something big picture that’s causing or connected to all these little things.

Seeking Answers

OCTOBER 30, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

The only thing harder than living with chronic pain is knowing that people don’t understand and doctors don’t believe you because they can’t diagnose what is wrong.

Honestly, I don’t even understand what is wrong with me and I feel a ton of guilt over it. Like how can I possibly do so well for so long and then have days and weeks where I just hurt so much that I can’t function? How can I spend the first part of summer doing so well, being so active, working on projects, carrying heavy things, then not be able to gather the strength to stand to cook dinner after a simple day at home doing a little cleaning?

It is pretty difficult never really knowing what kind of day I’m about to have. I do know if I have a low fever that a bad day is coming. I try to get ahead of it, taking excedrine in cause a migraine is trying to take over, resting, drinking more water, taking naps instead of pushing through. When I know we have something planned for the upcoming weekend I worry because I just don’t know what I’m going to feel like by the time those plans come up.

The other day I was feeling pretty great, having a low key day at home, and then I was taken over by full body pain that felt like all of my muscles were contracting even though they were relaxed. I was fatigued like my body had just run a marathon(not that I’d know what that is like) or as I described to a friend “Fatigue like when you have a stomach virus and spend the entire night vomiting and everything hurts the next day”.

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So I’m just accepting I can’t do as much and have taken steps to reduce physical strains.

We sent some chickens to live at my grandpa’s farm because I had “too many” and his stopped laying. Our goats went back to the ladies we bought them from. I’m closing up shop on most of my homestead adventures. Raising animals, growing vegetables, studying herbs, was all inspired by my health originally and it has been a roller coaster of emotions coming to terms with the fact that my physical abilities are not up to the task of homesteading anymore.

I had a decent run, we had a few fun years. But once the pigs go to the butcher I’ll be glad to only have chickens to care for (plus: one turkey, one duck, four guinea fowl). It takes a lot of pressure off of me and I welcome that. But the truth is 90% of the time my husband or son take care of the animals now. The last couple months have been hard and I try not to overdo it.

I wanted dairy goats so that I could have my own milk. But the truth is, I couldn’t promise I’d be able to milk them every day now that I’m not doing well. And it’s not fair to force my family to pick up the slack because I took on more than I could handle physically. But that’s where asking for help comes into place I guess but still, you have to be considerate of others time and interests.

I’m working on acceptance.
I’m going to do my best to keep planting herbs but chances are I’ll end up buying my supplies most of the time, and that is ok. I’d like to continue canning jam and learning how to can other foods. Which I will undoubtedly purchase from farmers markets because I cannot physically garden except for low maintenance plants. My sunflowers were lovely and attracted many birds and I thoroughly enjoyed watching them and listening to them sing in the garden. My accidental pumpkin harvest turned out fantastic and I’d like to toss a packet of seeds out into the pig pen in the spring and see how they grow. It’s all luck of the draw. But it is sad. I started out with good intentions and then couldn’t find the time to tend my garden. I spent a lot of time just completely not being able to go outside into the sun or my skin would get itchy, red and painful. By the time those perfect hours for gardening arrived each evening, I was simply just too tired to do anything more.

I’m not looking for pity, I know that there are many solutions available to me. Like I mentioned, I can go to farmers markets and buy dried herbs from other farms. I can seek out ingredients I need for body care products instead of keeping goats that require more time and care than I can realistically give.

My biggest worries are how much longer it is going to take to get a diagnosis? Will the stress be worth it if we only rule out things it isn’t but don’t arrive at what it is? How much will it cost in copays? Will my insurance cover treatments? Will I have to resort to pain killers and what if I end up with an addiction problem? What if it is genetic and my kids might get it from me?

What I do know is that according to my blood work in recent years I am perfectly fine, I don’t have lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, or Lyme disease. I don’t have any deficiencies, my sugar is good, my thyroid is good. Waiting on some new blood work results from today. I don’t expect them to find much.
I’ve had a heart monitor for chest pain and that was perfect too. I’ve had nerve testing done in my arms… you guessed it: everything was fine.

Maybe you thought you were here for homestead related topics... But I think real life plays into one’s ability to actually carry out those homesteading plans. Maybe one day I’ll be able to come back to it all. Maybe I’ll just have to visit farms and kiss other people’s goats.

I’ll be back with updates, sooner or later.

Giving Up Homesteading

OCTOBER 6, 2019 / RACHEL / EDIT

Things are changing.

We are downsizing our little farm to only include birds. I gave some of my hens to my grandpa, his are older and have stopped laying. We processed the rabbits.

Despite having a buck in with our goats for months, neither is pregnant and I’m just discouraged and selling them back to the woman we bought them from. I don’t anticipate that I’ll have the time or desire for milking anyways.

Our pigs are scheduled to be butchered early November. I don’t have any desire to raise pigs again. It hasn’t been bad, but it is a lot of work.

I have loved these animals but I feel like life is taking me in a different direction.

I do intend to support local farms when we buy meat in the future. They have my utmost respect and admiration.

Keeping animals is expensive. Especially if you don’t have the land and equipment to grow any of their food.

I’ve been shifting my focus onto our house. We painted the kitchen, dining, entry and living room. Put down new flooring throughout. Next we will be building a custom pantry and then buying new living room furniture and a dining set. There are also many smaller projects and things we want to update. Like wooden blinds. Painting an old desk to better match the look that we’re working towards. Once the pantry is finished I’ll be reorganizing the kitchen we need to decide if we want to wall mount a tv above the fireplace in the living room or if we want to put it onto a different wall on a tv stand. Which means we need to decide before we buy the furniture.

I need to start studying medicinal herbs again and hope to get back to that now that the seasons are changing.

We haven’t told many people about our plans to give up the little farm dream but those who know are supportive and understanding. I appreciate that so much.

Life is always changing.