Battling Control

I finally understand what it is that sets us apart from other families and leaves me thinking and rethinking what we are doing.

Our personalities collide. I am strong willed, stubborn and demand reason. My husband is quite the same, rejecting most authority aside from his own. It is only natural that we either raise children who follow command and trust without doubt or we raise children who demand justice and reason; kids who are always questioning of situations.

I don't want my kids to be followers I want them to be confident and lead themselves. But they are young and they don't really know how this sort of personality affects those around them. My kids run around trying to tell each other what to do. Trying to take charge of situations and each other. They do this while resisting each other and resisting the parents in the chance event that we're being unfair or unjust or bossy.

They need constant reassurance. They need to know "why". My kids need to know that when they're requested to do something it is to benefit them not control them. Not to resist something just because they can, after all, "those are your teeth kiddo, not mine".
I've not always been the patient parent I try to be now. This gives them reason to doubt me. I deserve that. They doubt each other because they are young.

For them, you must be willing to show respect to gain respect. If for some reason I am impatient or unappreciative (or just short or moody) they do not trust that my intentions are good. This starts up a cycle.

I apologize frequently. If I am a jerk or having a bad day I explain myself.
Our personalities require a lot more maintenance to formulate strong relationships. It makes me wonder if this is something that everyone needs to assess within their families to ensure they are building strong relationships too. To ensure that they are meeting the needs of themselves and others.

I need to maintain "control" over something but not people. I plan parties, meals, chores, outings, I balance the bank account and I maintain control and order in ways that allow me to express myself and ways that don't hurt anyone else.

My husband and I agreed that everyone needs their own "job" to control and allow them feel like they have purpose. So they are less likely to boss each other around because trying to control people never works. Especially in a family full of strongly opinionated leaders. I compared it to being like certain dogs that need jobs to keep them happy.
Perhaps this is nothing new. Finding ways to fine tune our family to ensure happiness for everyone is quite important to me.

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”  - Ernest Hemingway

Enough

Let me just jump right in...
I often do not feel like I am doing enough. I wonder, do I need more? I ask if I could be doing something better or different that it is best suited to all of our needs.
I wonder is being a mother enough? Is being a wife enough?
Are my abilities to do the things that I do enough? 
It is natural to question these things. I think we all do it. No matter what stage in life we are in or what our goals and paths may be.
 
I've been reassuring myself, that YES it is enough. I have a list hidden in the bottom of my mom-stuff check lists, meal plan sheets, shopping lists, homeschooling notes, and other such things that reminds me of all the things that I do.
Those things are enough. 

I'm not working outside the home but I am more than accomplishing a full time job at home.

My children appreciate their favorite clothes being washed and dried and ready to wear again. Just today I heard an exclamation of excitement come from my littlest child, *gasp* You washed my shirt! OH Thank you Momma!" and my heart melts. Last week Cambria shouted out, "YAY!" at her stack of clean dresses. When did this happen, when did my kids suddenly become so appreciative!? 

Or was I so irritated or maybe just bored in the past with these tedious things I failed to notice or allow room for such happiness to ensue? 

When I do what I do in love and care I reassure myself that what I am doing is truly worth feeling complete with. When I cook I do so with care and understanding that my family needs proper nutrition and I am meeting those needs!That's pretty awesome and I'm not trying to make a bigger deal out of the small things either. I'm extremely passionate about healthy eating and lifestyle so that's actually a big one for me. Meal planning and cooking for maximum nutrition and digestive qualities is enough.

When I am busy day-to-day raising my kids I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. We're doing activities and reading books together. Searching the internet for answers and living life together. I am here to guide my children and to learn with them. I don't want to control them or live a stressed out life. It takes a lot of balancing and communication and respect to maintain the life I want with my family. It is totally worth it. This time last year I couldn't have imagined our life as it is now. This too is enough.


Forward motion. Always.

And then I try to maintain my sense of me at the end, in the wee hours of the morning. With straining eyes and stumbling fingers, I try to press on to read ONE more article. To watch one more educational video or research the nutrient content of ... mangoes. After I have inevitably learned what foods not to eat with mango.

Some days I like to shut it all down. On those days, I'm doing what I need to do for my soul. For my kids, because sometimes a mom just needs to stop and smell the roses. It is enough. 

Whatever you do is enough too! Even when you're still working toward goals and even if you're not where you want to be yet. Forward motion. 

You are enough.

Trust Them

Your children are free thinkers and are their own people. Not another version of who you even while they may look very much like you. 

You hope to raise them the best that you can with what you have and the will you possess inside you. You do not look down upon them because they make bad decisions. You lend a hand or wait until the lesson has been learned. When your son or daughter picks themselves up and dusts themselves off with or without help, you are proud. The parent watches and learns from the child as the child watched and learned from the parent. Trust that you were a good example.

As a parent you want to protect your children forever but you know that you will not be able to that. So you equip them with morals and reasoning. Always making sure that they know you support them unconditionally. Should they ever need your help, they know as children and as adults that your arms will be there to comfort, not to ridicule or shame. 

One day that adult child of yours will look for comfort and reassurance in the arms and advice of someone else, a spouse. This person will become one of the most influential people in your child's life. You will have to let this wash over you and separate yourself from certain roles you previously filled. When you are gone, your grown child will have a family of their own and this one person to confide in. You should be proud.

Raising Individual People

Children have their own personalities, likes and dislikes, emotions, instincts, and sense of direction. They know what they want, just as you know what you want.

Do not plan your child's life for them. Do not try to raise a child who is "just like you". It is bad enough that they have to be defined as being "your child" without all that emphasis on their personality traits being a direct reflection of who the parents are.
Life and circumstances alone will shape and squash your precious offspring so much as it stands. Have faith that the person who you are will be a good example for your child. Not a fully paved path for them to follow. Trust that they will look to you for guidance and they will look to you in ways that will allow them to do better than you did. They will learn from your mistakes if you let them. They will grow up into amazing people if you give them the time, if you trust them, if you stand back and just watch sometimes.
Do not pressure them to do the things that you liked to do as a child simply because you liked to do those things. Do not try to live vicariously through those people who share your genetics. They are their own people. Don't decide for your child that they will play sports or the violin because you wish that you had. Because you want to be "that mom/dad" cheering or standing proud listening to them play on stage. Do not compete with other parents who are imposing upon their children and pushing them and dropping stacks of books by their favorite authors into these kids laps. Do not teach your children that they need to make anyone proud but themselves. Personal growth and achievement is the primary goal.

Stop and ask yourself always "what are my intentions?".... "why do I want this for him/her?". Always ask yourself questions, it is the best way to evaluate yourself and to grow as a person; personal growth is an ongoing aspect of life.

Make the time.

~ We never took the time to sit down and discuss what kinds of parents we intended to be. Only ever embracing life as we went along. Day by day, phase by phase, milestones and digital images.
Why is this the case? Shouldn't we sit back and close our eyes and envision the kind of life we want to have with our children with the intent of making that a reality? You know, BEFORE getting to the point where you're looking in the mirror saying - 'I'm an impatient disconnected fuck of a parent' or 'This is not what I wanted to become' or 'I could have been better'.
After all, "The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them. They don't remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are."- Jim Henson
You should ALWAYS reevaluate yourself, your intentions, and reflect upon how you have influenced your children. What message are you giving them? Are you the kind of person you hope your children become?
~ <3 Rachel

Unguided-Unstructured Education for One

I thought that putting my littlest child into preschool would help her. I also thought that it would help me too. I desperately needed to get a couple hours here and there to myself. I thought that a more structured environment would be good for her. That she would observe other kids, and listen to her teachers and she might be easier to direct at home as a result.
I was wrong.

My little girl loved school, her teachers, and her new friends. But she began regressing developmentally at home. All that potty training... well that went right out the window. I tried my hardest to endure this but I was failing. So, after months of regression with potty training we pulled her from school. She has since improved. Her behavior seems to be improving as well.

It is now that I realize how wrong I was about my child needing "more structure". What she needed was for me to become less structured too in order to understand her and meet her needs.
I am entirely too organized sometimes in life.
I am controlling and if I can't "control" (or give myself the illusion that I am in control of) the situation or circumstances well then I become an extremely anxious crazy lady.

So now dear readers, the point: I am going to be providing my dear child with her preschool education in the fall. 
I am putting together ideas, resources, and an education "plan". Or unplanned education; perhaps she'll guide me.

She's Not Bulletproof

I'm far from perfect in the sense that, if someone was coming to visit, I would make my bed, but any other day of the week it is a mess. 

I am trying and I am sinking. Like quick sand.
The more you try to pick yourself up the more it sucks you down.

My youngest child is having some issues. My oldest child is having problems too. The middle kiddo, she's skipping without missing a step, unless of course if you count the allergy issues. *sigh*

I am getting calls, being questioned. And forever I am doubting my own parenting.
You know, the number ONE thing that I do with my time as a stay at home mother. Perhaps I am being selfish when I'm saying/thinking "WHY is this happening to ME!?". It could always be worse and our little problems aren't really so bad at all.

I feel this. This is real to me. This is my reality and it's sucking me under with every step that I take.