Insecurities About Being A Homemaker

I have really been struggling lately with being a homemaker vs. working outside the home.

I get email updates regularly for new job listings. I read through them meticulously wondering if perhaps one of these jobs might be the right one for me. But mostly the jobs that speak to me require more experience and/or education than I possess. I'm left feeling inadequate and just kind of worthless. Almost like I'm taking things too personally?

However, at the same time I've been trying to focus on being more productive at home. Getting more things done, saving money, being more available and less distracted. I believe that a stay at home mother is supposed to be an asset to her family. I haven't felt like I've been doing this job very well to be honest. I feel like more of a burden than an asset and I spent a good chunk of time crying about it a couple days ago.

If I don't have the skills or education for a job outside the home to be able to contribute financially to my family I have to do this homemaker job well. And if I don't then I've failed monumentally.

But in this I've got to let go a little bit. I've got to accept that this is my decision, that I want to be a homemaker and I want to do it well. Because I don't know that I've taken this job seriously now that my kids have been getting older and I know I've taken this opportunity for granted on many levels.

It is also hard to feel like I'm in the right place. I don't know any other women who are "career homemakers".... if that makes sense, I'm not even sure that's even a term close to what I mean. But I battle feeling like I'm not doing enough because I see so many women working and I know I shouldn't compare but I do. And I admire them so much! I think that they are amazing.

Maybe I feel guilty because I'm not a very good homemaker. But in my mind maybe I'm delusional about what that actually means. I feel like if I'm not good at this job, I really should have a job. And maybe like parenting I'm always going to feel a bit insecure and that doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing an awful job, it could just mean that I want to strive to always improve and get better at it. 

I wonder if other women struggle with these feelings.

Rabbit Hole (January 2017)

I absolutely fell down the rabbit hole after that last post.
A lot happened in the last 6 months. A lot.
While going through chiropractic care after the car accident we were also in the spontaneous process of buying a house!
Which is like one of the most stressful things ever. We had no plans of moving again, but an opportunity presented itself and we simply had to go for it.

Then some family legal stuff. Then holidays. Then I turned 30 which I barely made it through before falling to pieces.

But with so much change on top of anxiety.. I fell apart for a while.

I acted like a crazy person at least a handful of times.

At one point I was certain my marriage wouldnt be able to endure my depression. I can’t go there.

I’m finally seeing a doctor again after years being determined to live with my immune issues and pain. I get answers next week. I’d say maybe antidepressants too but, I’m fine now which leads me to think it’s probably the family bipolar gene. Zippity do dah.

We do not have any home internet(it hasn’t made its way our this far yet haha), so I have tons of time to write, not being distracted by streaming or any other fun stuff lol. But typing hurts my hands. I’m not sure it it is related to medical issues or if I’m out of practice from being unplugged for so long.
 But either way I don’t have a laptop, yet so I can’t connect and share anything anyway.

Maybe that’s part of why things got so bad, I had no platform and neglected the part where I write and self analyze to prevent further damage.
So I’m writing this from my cell phone now because I just have to find a way if it is important enough I suppose.
I could probably blast through all my data writing.

I want to write about my cow neighbors, no really they are cows. And our new rooster Carl. And what life is like without the internet or cable or dish. By the way, netflix still has dvd subscriptions! We have been watching Outlander and I love it!

But for now I’ll just leave this, and say that I fell down the rabbit hole, my anxiety consumed me, and depression tried to destroy everything, but I’ve pulled back out, I didn’t die.
I didn’t die. Sometimes that’s all you can really do, is to choose to live, to keep trying. If everything falls apart and you come out of the wreckage with a beating heart, you’re doing ok.
Not everyone will understand. They don’t have to.
But I didn’t give up in any sense.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Sometimes, I don’t feel like all people really understand anxiety. They are the ones who feel it in small bursts when life gets stressful and things are too much. Many people even have situational anxiety. “Oh okay, you’re feeling anxious.” *pffft*
But I’m talking about the kind that becomes a part of you, it infiltrates your life and gobbles you whole like a monster. It wears out its welcome and it leaves you wishing for those vices, begging for relief.
We were in a car accident, car was totaled while our occupants only endured minor injuries. But it awakened the monster dwelling inside me. I’ve been a mess.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t stay asleep when I do sleep. I feel like I’m being crushed from the outside in and the inside out. Sometimes my body feels like it is going to burst into flames. I can’t breathe. I can’t digest my food properly and end up on the toilet all the fucking time. My body is having an existential crisis. I say “my body” because I usually feel fine in my mind but my body doesn’t know it, it still thinks something is wrong. I worry all the time. My hormones are off, my period is late(no womb minions, thank you very much).
If I can’t keep my mind steady my body reacts even more. Giving in to worry or acknowledging stress is not a good idea. I don’t want to be this person this scared, worried, shaking person, who has irrelevant dreams and relevant dreams who tosses and turns with kicky feet.
I’ve never wanted this.
But anxiety has been a part of who I am since I was little.
I used to get so excited before birthdays and holidays that I’d be sick, vomiting and diarrhea sick. I’ve always been a ball of nerves.

I have anxiety every fucking day, low key manageable anxiety, I live with it and I cope pretty well under the usual circumstances. In the grocery store, driving, waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, making dinner, using the telephone, checking the mail, I worry about the chickens, the cars, the driveway, water toxicity, my children, my child with special needs, homeschooling and not homeschooling. I worry about society and god forbid someone starts with me about this fucking election, I can’t. I’m going to start bursting into tears pretty soon, I’ll hear “Woah I didn’t know she cared so much.” in hushed voices, because I just CAN’T be a stable human being anymore. Because I’ve maxed out my anxiety thresholds. I’m not in control anymore my body is just responding and I don’t know why most of the time.
I worry about family and friends and I always try to be ready and available for them. Sometimes I should be less available that’s for certain. Self preservation fails me time and again and it seems people don’t see me for the ball of nerves that I am.
I’m happy. I’m anxious but I’m really happy in my life. After a while, if I cannot get this anxiety under control I won’t be happy any more.
My fight or flight will kick in, more than it already is, and I will be in crisis mode.
This isn’t where my detailed anxiety experience ends.
This is the point at which I have to do the things that ease my anxiety, even on the days I feel ok. I have to calm my body I have to be centered again. I have to. There are no exceptions.
And this is the song that is coming to mind.
“Everything is going to be alright, rockabye”

Purpose Passion and Other Such Mythical Creatures

Lately my life’s purpose has weighed heavy on my mind.
What am I supposed to be doing?
What will make me feel fulfilled?
How can I leave a mark?
What is my passion?

I’ve been raising children for the last 12 years. They have been my passion, my reason to wake up, my happiness, my purpose. But I cannot put all that onto the backs of my children for one day they will be grown and they will stretch and find they have outgrown me and they will move on.

I don’t want to feel like I’m losing myself when they’ve moved on with their own lives or any such other way that comes from having nothing important in ones life other than her children.

Maybe either way I’m selfish. Maybe I’m supposed to focus on my children and then quickly shift into my next calling when that chapter is through. Maybe I’m just supposed to know how to take it all in stride. But right now, in this life, I need something that is mine.
I need to feel like I’m working towards something.
I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’m scatterbrained and impulsive and flighty. I dream sooo big that I depress myself because some things just cannot be so, no matter how hard you wish it or dream it or want it. I don’t think I have roots, even though I’m the most grounded person I know.

Perhaps I’ve surrounded myself with flighty dreamers.

I call myself a realist.
By realist I mean that I have an abundance of expectations and hopes and ambitions, but I’m scared to death. I am scared that I will fall. That I’ll be ridiculed. That I’m selfish and wrong.

I worry that I simply just want too much and it is like wanting the moon. You long for her and she fools you into thinking she’s all yours, but every other person wants the moon too and not a single one will ever have her.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.
But I sure as hell hope I figure it out before regrets catch up with me.

The Badges We Wear

I wear this badge, tucked gently inside my pocket where no one can see it. When I reach my hand in, it is there to remind me, always. Sometimes it taunts me and sometimes it encourages me, but lately it is just there.
You see this badge is called depression and I’d been doing so well for so long. Until it started to creep back in this past winter. It is something I learn to live with while everyone else learns to walk around like a broken sidewalk.
There was a pretty significant trigger I suppose and I never pulled back up from its grasp. But it never let go either. So I remained the same, drained and sad, and waiting for the next go round, the next blow to my ever fragile self that was holding on for dear life.
I’m not winning right now.
But the fact is, I’m not sure I ever was.
I don’t think that depression is something that ever leaves you, I think it just hangs out waiting for a new reason to fill you up with sadness and leave you clinging to life as you thought it was. If you’re lucky enough to remember.
I know what it is to be happy and doing well. I know what it is to forget that there was ever a battle at all. I was doing so well for so long, that I stopped waiting for the edges of that miserable badge to catch on my fingernails and rip them back when I reached in my pocket. I forgot that it was there, waiting. I forgot until it was all consuming.
When I’m sad and hopeless it is hard to remember being happy. It is hard to accept happiness and it is nearly impossible to embrace life, it is easier not to. I forget about the things that truly matter and I’d rather just not think at all. Not about the past, or the present, or the future. Because I’m watching someone else’s story on the tv and it is good enough. I go through life doing the bare minimum of everything, everything.
I’ve never had to try so hard to remember the good parts before in my life. And when I’m happy it is easy to forget being so miserable. I forget to guard myself against my depression.
I know what it is to feel so sad and so helpless that I have suicidal thoughts. I know that it is not logical, I know that I have no reason to feel that way. But when the deep dark parts of my mind consume me, that is just the way that it is. I think that people fail to realize that suicide doesn’t feel like a choice to someone considering it. It looks like a legitimate option. It looks good. I think that when you lose all hope and all logical reasoning, it is the only option you have left. Because you don’t remember anything else. But when suicidal thoughts return, it is like they are reaffirmed in their origin somehow because they are familiar.
Life mantras go from logical thinking uplifting words to get through the tough spots, to grasping desperately for reasons your depression is wrong right now. Mantras start feeling like lies you use to manipulate yourself into living. All the while the deep dark thoughts are telling you how much better everyone else would be without you, when you lose the logic to know this isn’t true, you’ve lost the reason to live.
I imagine this is could be incredibly hard to read.
Imagine how it must feel to move that badge from my pocket to my chest where everyone can see.

Do ya like soup?

Friendships have always been incredibly hard for me.
I’m the kind of friend you call when you want a solution, not when you want sympathy. Although I’ll give sympathy too! Typically women call on women friends to just listen and agree. Women call on man friends and relatives when they want a solution to a problem, practical tangible problems. I get it, really. I’m just rarely the right friend fit and people generally are closer with people they can call when they need advice they seek and want to hear or a listening ear.
I’m very introverted and in the socially awkward stereotypical sense, sorry introverts, I give you all a bad name. I don’t need “girls night”. I don’t need to see my friends up close and personal.
Actually, hold that, I’m not entirely sure I have friends and I’m not sure that I’m a friend to anyone else. If friends typically want to see each other and no one wants to see me… do I have friends?
Thus, this leads me to describing a centerpiece idea for our dining room to my husband.
Who just blinks at me. I realize what’s happening.
Which leads me to say, “I’m sorry, I should be talking about this with one of my friends, but you’re my only friend, so..“.
I don’t know what to do about that.  I should firstly stop torturing my husband. I know that he can’t give me the kind of input I need on that stuff and it isn’t fair. Secondly, I need to establish more friendships…. more on that later.
I know that I’m not an easy person to get to know, but I do believe I’m a good friend so long as people don’t take it personally if I give them a solution to a problem or don’t make it a point to get together frequently. Both of which are complicated and likely equate to being a terrible friend.  I’ve given solutions to problems, when the friend only wanted me to listen. I never meant to, I just thought they wanted solutions! I’ve lost friends this way. I can’t help who I am but I can try and I do! But, no one talks to me about anything that might involve perspective from yours truly now. I don’t do this, jumping to conclusions of solutions thing, anymore. When I’m unsure, I learned to ask, “Do you need me to listen or do you want me to spin some solutions?”. That could be wrong too and maybe that makes them bad friends. If they can’t accept that I miss the social cues and I need to ask “stupid” questions then they aren’t very great friends. Help me help you!
Or maybe, just maybe, people should pick up a damn phone and make a call to a friend. I don’t know how to read expression in written messages, so much slips between the cracks. Maybe that is the real fault in friendships.
A friendship was lost over my unyielding opinion, I’m not going to agree with someone for the sake of saving a friendship. I’m also not tearing down their opinion, just sharing my own. I don’t know how a difference of opinion like that could make or break a friendship. Except that the friendship must not have been very great. My opinions often get me into trouble, many people can’t handle having a different opinion on something than their friend does. Or they wouldn’t consider a friendship with a person who has a conflicting opinion. That has never stopped me from having a friendship with someone.
I believe that some people really are too different to have a good friendship and some people are too toxic to endure. Everyone’s toxicity tolerance is different. I’m probably too toxic for people who like things sugar coated and enjoy a good lie. I understand, I won’t try to be something that I’m not. A person who would want me to change who I am and what I believe to better match their need for friend similarities is toxic to me. I’ve had many toxic friends and friends who brought out the worst in myself. How do I avoid that? Trial and error? That’s exhausting.
People often drift apart as life changes. I think that has been the hardest for me. My friends drift away and I haven’t made new friends.
I suppose I need to figure out what I need from a friend and what I can put into a friendship.
Making new friends…
How do people do that!? 
I feel like a kid picking blueberries. I start out with a nice handful then I eat a few here and a few there. Haha that’s not a great example. I don’t eat my friends. But I seem to just lose them along the way, more like running with a bucket of water.
But still, I’m not a child putting out a want ad for Mary Poppins!
Or maybe I am.
But then I say stupid things like “Do ya like soup?”.
And people likely think I’m incredibly strange.
I think I am incredibly strange, I wonder if people like that in friends or if I’m getting to old to be so awkward.

The lazy-almost-something's Guide to Everything

As promised, here is a reposted blog from two years ago.

The truth is, I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
This blog is dedicated to finding myself in the midst of being many different versions of a person I’m not sure I’ve found yet.
I’m more of a thinker than a doer. I’m full of thoughts and ideas… and words and probably bullshit too. I’m a dreamer and a planner of the future(usually some future for a version of myself that doesn’t even exist). I overthink things and it immobilizes me. I’m an introvert, a Capricorn, and an INTP type. I let premature ideas escape before they’re ready and no one takes me seriously. I don’t blame them though, I wouldn’t either.
I am aspiring for some kind of life that is more simple, I love the idea of living a minimalist life. But I also want my home to feel like granny’s house; I love floral prints and tea sets. I also love cottages and bare wood… ah hem, just go with it.
What might you find here?
Things about food, because I love it so so much. I like healthy food and living a healthy lifestyle. I also like donuts and chicken wings. Parenting satire because I have kids. Probably some stuff about marriage, it’ll be good. My hopes and fears surrounding my position in the home as a stay at home mother & wife. My tried and failed hobbies and aspirations. A long list of shows I’ve watched, because I’ve been meaning to get them all listed so I could see just how much of my life I’m wasting in front of the magic box. Beginner photography.. enough said. You’ll see my spiritual and religious path here too, because it feels like a big part of figuring out who I am. You’ll see my honesty and my inability to sugar coat things. You’ll see all the things I wish that I’d just tell people but instead come home and write about. You’ll learn my faults and my weaknesses. You might even figure out who I am before I do.
– R

Enough

Let me just jump right in...
I often do not feel like I am doing enough. I wonder, do I need more? I ask if I could be doing something better or different that it is best suited to all of our needs.
I wonder is being a mother enough? Is being a wife enough?
Are my abilities to do the things that I do enough? 
It is natural to question these things. I think we all do it. No matter what stage in life we are in or what our goals and paths may be.
 
I've been reassuring myself, that YES it is enough. I have a list hidden in the bottom of my mom-stuff check lists, meal plan sheets, shopping lists, homeschooling notes, and other such things that reminds me of all the things that I do.
Those things are enough. 

I'm not working outside the home but I am more than accomplishing a full time job at home.

My children appreciate their favorite clothes being washed and dried and ready to wear again. Just today I heard an exclamation of excitement come from my littlest child, *gasp* You washed my shirt! OH Thank you Momma!" and my heart melts. Last week Cambria shouted out, "YAY!" at her stack of clean dresses. When did this happen, when did my kids suddenly become so appreciative!? 

Or was I so irritated or maybe just bored in the past with these tedious things I failed to notice or allow room for such happiness to ensue? 

When I do what I do in love and care I reassure myself that what I am doing is truly worth feeling complete with. When I cook I do so with care and understanding that my family needs proper nutrition and I am meeting those needs!That's pretty awesome and I'm not trying to make a bigger deal out of the small things either. I'm extremely passionate about healthy eating and lifestyle so that's actually a big one for me. Meal planning and cooking for maximum nutrition and digestive qualities is enough.

When I am busy day-to-day raising my kids I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. We're doing activities and reading books together. Searching the internet for answers and living life together. I am here to guide my children and to learn with them. I don't want to control them or live a stressed out life. It takes a lot of balancing and communication and respect to maintain the life I want with my family. It is totally worth it. This time last year I couldn't have imagined our life as it is now. This too is enough.


Forward motion. Always.

And then I try to maintain my sense of me at the end, in the wee hours of the morning. With straining eyes and stumbling fingers, I try to press on to read ONE more article. To watch one more educational video or research the nutrient content of ... mangoes. After I have inevitably learned what foods not to eat with mango.

Some days I like to shut it all down. On those days, I'm doing what I need to do for my soul. For my kids, because sometimes a mom just needs to stop and smell the roses. It is enough. 

Whatever you do is enough too! Even when you're still working toward goals and even if you're not where you want to be yet. Forward motion. 

You are enough.

Confessions of the Damaged and Broken

          Through the years, choices, and mistakes I became broken. Just a fragment in every area of who I once was and would again like to be.

          I was ensured that I wasn't good enough by many. Sometimes I even looked for it from people I knew could never accept who I really am.

          I was left with feelings of such abandonment that I craved death.

          My confidence is lacking. And maybe it is now that I need to say that your words hurt me. From elementary school to high-school kids were just plain mean. Some picked on  me for anything from my name to my shoes to the generic foods "poor people foods" in my packed lunches. Some told lies. Some wished death upon me. I was called names. I don't recall having many good lasting friendships with anyone.

          I was once told that I lost the fire in my eyes. I will never forget. Especially that crushing feeling of knowing it was true. I feel like I have been chasing that same fire for years and only growing further away. It's a sorry-sad feeling, full of desperation and hints of hope, false hope that is.

          Maybe it was the physical abuse I endured. Or maybe it was my own emotional issues but I will never again feel like I once did. Or trust people completely. A complement always feels two-sided. Smiles make me uncomfortable.

          The last time a man raised his hand to me I fought back with a rage so pure to hatred that I think I unlocked something very close to demonic. Maybe that is what happens to someone who has carried around too much negativity all their life. Maybe all those years of school torture, family problems, and failed relationships finally unlocked some part of me that was ready to dish out an ass-whooping. So that's what I did. Part of me longs to feel this rage toward someone again. Part of me wants to start problems with others so that I might get the chance to let it out again. Rage is the only emotional reaction that feels productive sometimes but it is always out of my reach, always taunting me.

          I am still haunted by things like this. Some of the choices and mistakes I have made do it too. Other people's mistakes and harsh words that have influenced me still weigh me down.

          I don't hold a grudge. But I remember everything. Every dumb lie someone told me. Every insult. Every time I was made to feel like an insignificant speck in the life of someone else. I remember all of the things I did to hurt other people, intentionally or not. I carry it with me and it has all shaped me into who I am. But I do not like it. Why can't I just learn the lesson and not feel guilty? Maybe I need to apologize to those who I can. Perhaps closure is the key to my emotional freedom. Maybe it is how I will get the fire back in my eyes. I need to forgive those who hurt me and apologize to the people I hurt.

                             I want to be free of this forever! 

Confessions & Thoughts of a Guilty Meat Eater

Today I was disturbed by a photo of some animals. First they were all happy in green grass. Cows, Chicks, Pigs. Followed by the reality of what their living conditions are really like. Ending with photos of mass slaughtering.

I have issues with meat and I try my hardest not to think about it, where it comes from, and the truth of what makes Jello, Jello.
I am speaking from a place where if I am standing in the grocery store with my last $20 bill. I would get vegetables, fruits, and grains. A man would probably buy meat and at the price of meat... wouldn't have very much food to eat over the next couple of days.
So now what I am saying is that the economy is pretty harsh and with the cost of food you would think that more people would eat less meat than they do. But that's not the case it seems. I can see that people would eat more fatty cuts of meat that are less expensive. You know, fatty red meat that is more likely to clog arteries, contribute to obesity, and lead to cancer. Regular ground beef is the cheapest kind of meat you can come across. But did you know that they add chemicals to your meat because its filthy? Because if they don't then the instances of meat related sickness would be far more frequent.

I eat meat. I don't like that I eat it but I do. I would eat less but this gluten free stuff is kinda hard on me so I've been chowing down on chickens a lot. I guess this could be something I would like to do less of in the future. Maybe it will be a goal?
I did the whole vegetarian thing a while back... a year ago actually and I felt amazing but was not entirely convinced it was a good idea.

I guess the point of this post, is that when I allow myself to think about it eating meat makes me feel bad, sad, and guilty.
How can something that makes you feel so badly be good for you? I'm trying to sift through this one.

Do you think about where your food comes from? Do you feel any certain way about it? 


Those "Two Chicks In A Hot Tub" were neglected by my tummy... the chest cavity was tiny tiny small... like abused obese chickens would be. 
 

No Titty-Flopping Allowed!

I am pretty sure that I was brought into this world to indulge in t-shirts and blue jeans and not much more.

My general style is simple. Gimme a nice pair of running shoes or flip flops and I am a happy-happy girl. Hair tie into a pony tail... even better, now add a basic pair of jeans a solid t-shirt and a little eye liner... that's me. That's just WHO I AM. Ya know, if I were to define myself by clothing.

I don't get all caught  up in "waist belts", scarves, jewelry, layering clothing, matching earrings, sunglasses, belts, fancy shoes, suntans or fake nails. You're looking at the girl who owns ONE purse that she has carried around for 2 years.

I see all these women wearing stylish clothing, things that coordinate and they look nice. I can't help but feel jealous but at the same time, that is not who I am. I am not a perfectly coordinated outfit. I am a blue jeans and cotton T kinda gal, who hates pissing around with her hair and make up. I rarely paint my nails.

I cannot help but wonder if I am abnormal. If there is something wrong with me. But I see those things and all I can think about is the cost it would take for me to look "like that".
And who would I be wearing these clothes for? Other people! That's who!

As long as I am clean and not titty-flopping around my boyfriend is probably content with how I look. I do dress it up a little when we go out. But... I prefer to just be me. Then when I am looking at someone who is not me, or I am around people who wear nice clothing when they're just lounging around at home, I feel wrong.

It makes me insecure. Should I have more "style" or should I just accept myself for who I am?

Acceptance is the most logical choice I think. Though I would really like to get myself back into those leggings I "outgrew" last winter. I love leggings and leg warmers and BOOTS. I need to learn to walk in fancy heels. I guess that could be a fashion goal as long as I can keep the leg warmers!

Well, to finish this up... here is how I look today. Eyeliner = only make up. Hair spray to cut out some of the frizz and hold curls(my hair is permed because, I hate doing my hair). T-shirt, jeans, running shoes.
I am feeling exceptionally good about how I look in that second picture. I am feeling "better" about myself( I have been moving my muscles around consistently lately= exercise). Even though I despise the amount of space between my shoulders and my itty bitties most days, I find that the right bra, with the right t-shirt is essential. Freaking ridiculous!

 
So basically, it's not that I DON'T care about how I look. It's just that, I don't care what anyone else thinks, I like to be comfortable and I just gotta accept that I am a comfort loving stay at home mom who doesn't want to buy nice clothes so that kids can wipe boogers on them.

You can hardly blame me!

This beautiful creation was my dinner tonight. 

Diced tomatoes(from a can with green pepper celery onion and spices), marinated artichokes(from a jar, see my pattern here?), pasta(not gluten free), cheapo-parmesan cheese.... YUM I tell you YUM!

Sometimes I can't help but feel proud when I cheat on my GF diet for something as simple yet delicious as this.

Such a wonderful way to punish myself later. :)

That Same Friday Night... Gluten Things

I blogged this LAST WEEK, and forgot about it not posting and it was all saved in a document waiting for me, I post it now.

I have been trying to adjust to this gluten intolerance (or whatever it is) crap but I am really finding it to be far too easy to not follow the diet the way that I need to be. I am also feeling like my lactose intolerance (which is off and on for some odd reason?) is just around the corner again. This makes me sooo nervous. Taking away all forms of lactose containing milk is a nightmare add gluten to that and I'm pretty sure that chickens will be running for the hills clucking away terrified. Because, when it comes right down to it, I'll be all ravenous for chickens and rice. Just the thought of chicken and rice makes me smile. You can do so many things with the two that it almost makes you forget that you're "restricted" from other things.
          THEN just when you are content and going about your own way minding your own business with a belly full of chicken and rice, you see a sandwich... and someone is just stuffing it all in their face hole like NOM NOM. And you start drewling and convince yourself that you can have a sandwich too! Then you tell yourself that "it's not that bad" and "its only one". Before you know it you're spiraling out of control and a week has passed and you're still telling yourself. It's OK!!! IT'S ONLY ONE, DAMNIT!

          But no, really. One gluten containing food has a high likelihood of leading to mouth sores for me, headaches, body/joint pain, and swollen lymph nodes in my neck/jaw (that last one is after about 5-7 days of eating small amounts of gluten). Then I'm basically feeling like I am dying from a flu bug.

          Needless to say. I had a bad week! I need to try harder. Part of me is still in denial. I actually tried to convince myself that it was "in my head". I ended up very miserable and very depressed over it.

          I cannot even attend a simple cookout without eating before I leave the house. I know, that chances are, I will not be able to eat more than a few potato chips and if I am really lucky they might have fruit salad. Usually I try to take a gluten free dish if the function allows for things to be brought.

Side Note: I have had a horrible time with posting and writing blogs today. I can only assume there must be a bunch of boring Friday night bloggers out there just like me. I will let it go this time.. but next time, you better watch your back! 

My Inner Psycho Feeds on your Vanity

I pride myself in not caring what other people think of me. I don't care about the vanity of life's everyday things and happenings or seeking the approval of others. For this very reason I really have to keep myself in check especially with things that upset me. Me not caring what others think = escape of the psycho! So you could say I do worry about how people will judge my inner psycho.
I am happy to make my own decisions and not wait around for someone else to step in. However, I do ask opinions and thoughts on different topics from friends and family. I like to get other people's view points and I think this is important. If the only opinion and way of thinking you use is your own you are guaranteed not to see all angles of the situation. Confession: I may ask someone for advice but I will rarely use it. I always fall back on the advice I would give to someone else in the same situation. Taking your own advice is probably the best thing you can do for yourself.
Confession: I do get jealous when people play the vanity card. 
It just seems to be all "Heyyyy look at me...." and I want to snap out and punch people and be like, "Glad you have it alllll figured out!" It is for this reason that I really wish I could just deactivate my social networking profiles and go back to just using the internet for educational and entertainment purposes. I can't seem to do that though I like to feed the inner psycho with other people's vanity. Which really makes me sit here and question myself. Is something wrong with me?  I hope this is normal behavior... but deep down. I really don't think that it is and it certainly cannot be healthy.
I have "friends" who I wish I could just delete from my list but I don't because my inner psycho feels the need to feed off of their idiocy! I wonder if people keep me around for the same reason? It would only be fair if your psycho needs its daily dose to feed on me.

Woah Motivation

So, I'm thinking and searching and inspired in so many different directions right now.

The focus... working from home.
This is something that I seriously want to do and for some reason I'm not getting off on the best start with my homemade stuff. I really do have a hard time keeping myself motivated I suppose - confession #1. I also get so many ideas going in my head at once that it just seems to be difficult to sit down and make product "x" because I'm thinking of project "z" (yes 2 steps ahead)- confession #2. Is this attention deficit disorder perhaps? (Yeah I mentioned that in my intro blog, consider yourself warned. ^_^)

So... A home based business that everyone could use and benefit from. It has to be affordable and it has to be something people will want to try, buy, or keep forever.

So this is the part.... where you fine people tell me what interests you!?