Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Sometimes, I don’t feel like all people really understand anxiety. They are the ones who feel it in small bursts when life gets stressful and things are too much. Many people even have situational anxiety. “Oh okay, you’re feeling anxious.” *pffft*
But I’m talking about the kind that becomes a part of you, it infiltrates your life and gobbles you whole like a monster. It wears out its welcome and it leaves you wishing for those vices, begging for relief.
We were in a car accident, car was totaled while our occupants only endured minor injuries. But it awakened the monster dwelling inside me. I’ve been a mess.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t stay asleep when I do sleep. I feel like I’m being crushed from the outside in and the inside out. Sometimes my body feels like it is going to burst into flames. I can’t breathe. I can’t digest my food properly and end up on the toilet all the fucking time. My body is having an existential crisis. I say “my body” because I usually feel fine in my mind but my body doesn’t know it, it still thinks something is wrong. I worry all the time. My hormones are off, my period is late(no womb minions, thank you very much).
If I can’t keep my mind steady my body reacts even more. Giving in to worry or acknowledging stress is not a good idea. I don’t want to be this person this scared, worried, shaking person, who has irrelevant dreams and relevant dreams who tosses and turns with kicky feet.
I’ve never wanted this.
But anxiety has been a part of who I am since I was little.
I used to get so excited before birthdays and holidays that I’d be sick, vomiting and diarrhea sick. I’ve always been a ball of nerves.

I have anxiety every fucking day, low key manageable anxiety, I live with it and I cope pretty well under the usual circumstances. In the grocery store, driving, waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, making dinner, using the telephone, checking the mail, I worry about the chickens, the cars, the driveway, water toxicity, my children, my child with special needs, homeschooling and not homeschooling. I worry about society and god forbid someone starts with me about this fucking election, I can’t. I’m going to start bursting into tears pretty soon, I’ll hear “Woah I didn’t know she cared so much.” in hushed voices, because I just CAN’T be a stable human being anymore. Because I’ve maxed out my anxiety thresholds. I’m not in control anymore my body is just responding and I don’t know why most of the time.
I worry about family and friends and I always try to be ready and available for them. Sometimes I should be less available that’s for certain. Self preservation fails me time and again and it seems people don’t see me for the ball of nerves that I am.
I’m happy. I’m anxious but I’m really happy in my life. After a while, if I cannot get this anxiety under control I won’t be happy any more.
My fight or flight will kick in, more than it already is, and I will be in crisis mode.
This isn’t where my detailed anxiety experience ends.
This is the point at which I have to do the things that ease my anxiety, even on the days I feel ok. I have to calm my body I have to be centered again. I have to. There are no exceptions.
And this is the song that is coming to mind.
“Everything is going to be alright, rockabye”

Confessions & Thoughts of a Guilty Meat Eater

Today I was disturbed by a photo of some animals. First they were all happy in green grass. Cows, Chicks, Pigs. Followed by the reality of what their living conditions are really like. Ending with photos of mass slaughtering.

I have issues with meat and I try my hardest not to think about it, where it comes from, and the truth of what makes Jello, Jello.
I am speaking from a place where if I am standing in the grocery store with my last $20 bill. I would get vegetables, fruits, and grains. A man would probably buy meat and at the price of meat... wouldn't have very much food to eat over the next couple of days.
So now what I am saying is that the economy is pretty harsh and with the cost of food you would think that more people would eat less meat than they do. But that's not the case it seems. I can see that people would eat more fatty cuts of meat that are less expensive. You know, fatty red meat that is more likely to clog arteries, contribute to obesity, and lead to cancer. Regular ground beef is the cheapest kind of meat you can come across. But did you know that they add chemicals to your meat because its filthy? Because if they don't then the instances of meat related sickness would be far more frequent.

I eat meat. I don't like that I eat it but I do. I would eat less but this gluten free stuff is kinda hard on me so I've been chowing down on chickens a lot. I guess this could be something I would like to do less of in the future. Maybe it will be a goal?
I did the whole vegetarian thing a while back... a year ago actually and I felt amazing but was not entirely convinced it was a good idea.

I guess the point of this post, is that when I allow myself to think about it eating meat makes me feel bad, sad, and guilty.
How can something that makes you feel so badly be good for you? I'm trying to sift through this one.

Do you think about where your food comes from? Do you feel any certain way about it? 


Those "Two Chicks In A Hot Tub" were neglected by my tummy... the chest cavity was tiny tiny small... like abused obese chickens would be. 
 

No Titty-Flopping Allowed!

I am pretty sure that I was brought into this world to indulge in t-shirts and blue jeans and not much more.

My general style is simple. Gimme a nice pair of running shoes or flip flops and I am a happy-happy girl. Hair tie into a pony tail... even better, now add a basic pair of jeans a solid t-shirt and a little eye liner... that's me. That's just WHO I AM. Ya know, if I were to define myself by clothing.

I don't get all caught  up in "waist belts", scarves, jewelry, layering clothing, matching earrings, sunglasses, belts, fancy shoes, suntans or fake nails. You're looking at the girl who owns ONE purse that she has carried around for 2 years.

I see all these women wearing stylish clothing, things that coordinate and they look nice. I can't help but feel jealous but at the same time, that is not who I am. I am not a perfectly coordinated outfit. I am a blue jeans and cotton T kinda gal, who hates pissing around with her hair and make up. I rarely paint my nails.

I cannot help but wonder if I am abnormal. If there is something wrong with me. But I see those things and all I can think about is the cost it would take for me to look "like that".
And who would I be wearing these clothes for? Other people! That's who!

As long as I am clean and not titty-flopping around my boyfriend is probably content with how I look. I do dress it up a little when we go out. But... I prefer to just be me. Then when I am looking at someone who is not me, or I am around people who wear nice clothing when they're just lounging around at home, I feel wrong.

It makes me insecure. Should I have more "style" or should I just accept myself for who I am?

Acceptance is the most logical choice I think. Though I would really like to get myself back into those leggings I "outgrew" last winter. I love leggings and leg warmers and BOOTS. I need to learn to walk in fancy heels. I guess that could be a fashion goal as long as I can keep the leg warmers!

Well, to finish this up... here is how I look today. Eyeliner = only make up. Hair spray to cut out some of the frizz and hold curls(my hair is permed because, I hate doing my hair). T-shirt, jeans, running shoes.
I am feeling exceptionally good about how I look in that second picture. I am feeling "better" about myself( I have been moving my muscles around consistently lately= exercise). Even though I despise the amount of space between my shoulders and my itty bitties most days, I find that the right bra, with the right t-shirt is essential. Freaking ridiculous!

 
So basically, it's not that I DON'T care about how I look. It's just that, I don't care what anyone else thinks, I like to be comfortable and I just gotta accept that I am a comfort loving stay at home mom who doesn't want to buy nice clothes so that kids can wipe boogers on them.

Money Saving Tips

Ways to cut back and save money

Buy generic products when possible.

            Shop and low price stores
            Thrift Stores
            Yard Sales

Coupons & Discount Cards!

            Sunday Paper & Online Printables
            Sign up for savings at local stores and pharmacies
            Watch for double coupon days!

Make things at home!

            Gifts
            Decor
            Food - Lunches
            Fix what you already have!

Go to the library

            It is cheaper and sometimes even free to check out a book
            Some libraries have educational movies for kids!

Be aware of Transportation Costs

            Make all stops while you are out
            Fuel savings on purchases made through certain stores saves money too!

Be Content!

            It is easier to save when you are happy with what you already have!
            As yourself if you REALLY need that item before you buy it.            
            Where will it be in one year?

Utilities

            Unplug what you're not using.
            Talk to utility companies about ways they can help you save.
            Shop around for the best rates.
            Try a set payment on utilities like propane or natural gas.
                        -Your bill will be the same all year and more manageable!
            Pay bills on time to avoid late fees.

Make a Budget

            Give yourself a spending allowance to carry in cash.
                        -You see it and spend it slower than if you are just swiping plastic.
            Know how much is coming in and how much is going out.
                        -The "ebb and flow" of your banking account.

Groceries
            Make a shopping list and buy no extras

            Buy meat in bulk
            Have one vegetarian meal a week (if meat is your thing)

            

I found these tips in my "me folder" of random things when I was cleaning up. I just wanted to share and maybe help someone else, feel free to add your own tips in the comments area! 

Nourishing Your Child's Talents & Strengths

Lately I have been trying to zero in on my kids natural talents, interests, and things I can gently encourage them to try out.

My son is the oldest and our only boy. He is also my biggest critic when it comes to food. I know that if I taste the meal I just prepared and think "Ehh this could be better." or "The chicken is too dry." he will blurt it out too. He has a sense! Instead of just eating what his mommy makes he has to first tell me what he likes and what he doesn't like and he usually tells me why he feels that way. There are days when I put his meal on the table and tell him "Gavin, I know it sucks but that's what I made." Gavin is also a little book worm these days ( a past time his father and I both enjoy when the book is right ). He's also highly coordinated with backyard sports. We'll see where that goes I am sure!

My oldest daughter is forever singing. She absolutely loves to sing, she likes to dance too. She's pretty awesome. Just today she came home singing a song perfectly that she learned in school. Her big brother said it made him want to cry. I am overjoyed that I have one musical child, possibly two... I am looking into putting Cambria into music lessons or dance next school year. She just started kindergarten, so I don't want to put too much on her plate too fast. She is equally brilliant at both singing and dancing. I should also tell you that while she asks some of the strangest things I have ever heard a 5 year old ask, she is very smart and eager to learn.

My youngest child, Arayla is the artist, the forever talking coloring on walls and furniture artist! She loves drawing and painting and she sings. Sometimes at the same time. Some of the notes that come from her mouth amaze me. She's still young, I know this. But I think she'll have the singing gift as well. Plus... ever since she was little, like barely walking, she has been insanely flexible and if my gut (pun intended) is right, I think she's going to be the athletic child(I am not athletic by any means aside from the fact that my body type is naturally athletic when I allow it to be). Did I mention she is fearless?! Strangest thing I have ever seen in my life! The only thing she seems to be afraid of are ceiling fans.  

My children are absolutely amazing and especially so when you take the time to see their strengths and natural talents. Every parent should take the time to say "My child can...." instead of "My child can't ___ yet" or "I wish __ could do that". (Instead of seeing a picky eater, I now choose to see a child who may grow to love food as much as his insane mother.)
Just like you and me our kids are their own people and they will excel in various areas of their lives. You may have one child that seems to be able to do everything so well and another that will struggle and get discouraged easily. That's ok!
Take the time to know your children and recognize that maybe your kid really loves singing, but doesn't want to have to practice it. If Cambria tells me "Mum, I don't like singing lessons I just want to sing when I feel like it." I will look into any other possible reasoning for these feelings first but stop pushing her to get better. I love her just the way that she is and if she is happy, I will be happy for her. Always. And if Arayla trades in her paint brushes for drumsticks or boxing gloves that's cool too.

My plans now.... are to spend more time in the kitchen with Gavin. He's a critic not a chef and I want him to be both, someday. Everyone has to eat and everyone should be able to cook well. Even if he is only watching or listening. I know that it will sink in.
This is how I learned to make my dad's salmon patties "Are you listening Rach?" he asked as I was sitting at the counter annoyed because I wasn't on the phone or the computer. "Yeeesss". So when I grew up and hadn't had my dad's awesome salmon patties in years I called him up and sounded something like this, "Hey dad, what to do put in those salmon patties I want to make sure I remember it right." He sounded flabbergasted that I had possibly forgotten and I think he might have called me an "egg head". For the record I DID remember the recipe! Haha. I learned so much about food from my dad. Especially how to pick good steaks. He was wise to tell me everything he did when I was growing up, I would have been so lost when I went out into the world on my own.

I know that Gavin could gain so much from cooking with his being all picky about eating. When the girls are a little older they'll learn all the tricks too. 

I will encourage Gavin in the kitchen, play more music for Cambria and designate some painting clothes for Arayla. One of the amazing parts about being a parent is giving your children the tools they need to succeed in life.

Projects EVERYWHERE!

So a few days ago I deactivated my Facebook account. It has been a major relief not to look at updates and posts throughout the day. I have been at ease and have discovered a couple of my issues that are holding me back emotionally. I know now how to deal with myself. I know that to move forward I must sometimes take two steps back. I accept this.

Onward: Projects 
I have been working on some things here at home. First being FILING! I filed all the papers and documents that I could think to file (aside from the ones that the adult male of the house has neglected to hand over). With filing comes organizing! And we're getting there. I have made up some templates for household stuff. Including cleaning lists to keep on top of it all, a chart including dates (or about dates) when bills are due and the average totals for each. I also made a check off list for the entire year for the bills. So once it is paid and the check mark is in the box we can rest assured. :) You get the idea.

My next step is to get all of my kids crafting and learning supplies in order and available for use. I am also working on a rewards system project for my kids. Every week they will earn points for completing chores, school work, and general good behavior. At the end of the week these points will be added up and they will get to select a reward from the basket. The rewards will vary according to the point system. The higher the number of points they earn, the nicer the reward. I will blog with photos on this more when I have it all completed and in effect.

The next order of business I have been working on is me! Yes, taking time to do things I enjoy like blogging. I bought myself a new journal because my old one lost its appeal along the way and just seems like a place I don't want to put my memories into anymore.

Now it is time for me to get back to the real world!

Would you like a tall glass of Education?

I have been doing a lot of research about homeschooling and about public schools and the pros and cons of each.
Homeschooling!? I know, I know. My kids will have "poor people skills", "no friends", "will not know how to function in society" and "will not get a good education". That's absolutely the case right? They'll probably growl and bite people too! "Beware, I am home schooled" signs will be a must in every window, door, and I'll have to make some collars too. I have read it all... really.

I will be honest and tell you that I have not had the best of experiences with my oldest child during his time in the public school system. I have been ignored, judged, threatened, and all the while at my son's expense. He was behind in kindergarten and I was told that he would do just fine in first grade; I was told that he would catch up. I was nervous and unsure but I trusted the judgement of his teacher over my own.
First grade came and I explained to his teacher that I feared he was behind in some areas and to please take note of it and give me updates. This teacher was very annoyed with me from what I could sense and no matter what I tried at home after his already exhausting, and sometimes humiliating, day at school nothing worked. So I sent a letter in to find out what the teacher's point of view was for my son's progress during the second half of the year. No answer after a week so I sent in another asking for a conference with him. To which I got a note back, on a post it no less. The post it was in reply and telling me that he would not see me for a meeting because they do not make time at the end of the school year for parent teacher conferences. This teacher also told me that Gavin would be going on to second grade the following school year and that he would "catch up". I understand "no child left behind" but pushing him into another grade he is not prepared for is not going to help!

We found ourselves upset and angry at the school system at this point for denying us the right to speak to the person responsible for teaching our child for at least 6 hours out of every day for 180 days a year! However, it was at this same time we found ourselves moving out of the school district over the summer and praying that someone somewhere in the new school system would listen to us.

They listened and felt the same as we did, that our son needed to be held back. We assured him that it was not a punishment and explained that we wanted to make sure he was learning everything that he needed to know. We explained that some kids need extra practice and more time to learn things and that it was absolutely okay. He wasn't thrilled about doing first grade again but he knows and understands it.

On to more details, in both schools my son was denied access to restrooms. Last year it was so bad that I actually had to write a note explaining that my child was coming home telling me he almost pooped his pants because he was not allowed to use the bathroom. I explained that he is not a child who can just HOLD it in! He has never been like that when he has to go, he has to go; look out because he is coming through!
          So, you try to sit there and pay attention to what your teacher is saying while squeezing your butt cheeks together and tell me how much you remember!

Something else that is bothering me is that the children have snack toward the end of the day. That's not the issue. The problem here is that these snacks are full of sugar, for example rice crispies treats. For one thing my child does not care for those kinds of snacks. He says they are "junk". Yes my seven year old child is referring to sugary treats as "junk". I am so proud of him for this. So instead of paying for snacks he doesn't want to eat I started packing him his own snacks. Natural fruit and granola bars and fresh fruit. The teacher told him that he was not allowed to bring snacks in anymore. If kids are allowed to pack lunches why can't they pack their own snack? He has an undiagnosed sucrose intolerance. He knows that he has to limit  his sugar or he will have adverse reactions courtesy of his bowels! Then here comes the bathroom issue again. Full circle. So I would imagine that I have to get PERMISSION from my child's DOCTOR (who see's him on average once or twice a year) stating that my child, who I raise and care for and know better than anyone else, needs to take in his own snack because he has tummy issues. Also second note stating that he needs to use a bathroom at his convenience not his teacher's. Seriously? Yeah... I'm guessing that is how they want to play their cards.
More issues? Yes, my child gets excluded from activities and punished but claims that he does not know why.  He also knows that he does not get a second punishment when he gets home for something that happened at school and was taken care of. I will talk to him about it and that is the end of it. I like for him to know and understand the rules. Basically I am saying that if he does not know why he is putting his head down on his desk or being "uninvited" to activities how is he supposed to change his behavior to meet the necessary expectations?

Next year I will have two children in school and I am terrified. My daughter, who turned five in November, is in the bathroom twice an hour. I can only anticipate all the phone calls that she peed her pants in school. Mind you she still pees the bed at night and thus I believe she may have an under developed bladder or maybe it is teeny tiny. I understand that it will interrupt her "education" time to have to use the bathroom so much. Is there a way to change her? Probably not. So what is a mother supposed to do? I worry about all this stuff. I worry that she's not going to be able to keep up because she really does seem to need the one on one learning experience to understand.

I don't want to shelter my children from life or put them in pretty little bubbles. I just want them to succeed. I want them to be understood and respected just like adults (should) respect each other. If I had to use the bathroom while at someone's house I would not be told that I was not allowed to use that bathroom until they were done telling their story.
Social skills do not come from the school atmosphere they derive from the manners you are taught by your parents and how you apply them in real life situations.
Think about this... my son goes to school 8 am to 4 pm and those are the hours that we do all of our "out and about" things. We go to the stores and take care of errands. When my child comes home from school we are now considered to be home for the day. All our social skill improving activities are completed. So my child goes to school, comes home, does his homework, plays, watches some tv, eats, baths, and goes to bed. The home schooled child will have gotten to go out to the store/post office/the gym with his/her parent(s). Before, after, or between lessons. Kids are permitted to talk to other children during lunch time and recess. It is a controlled environment in which they only socialize with other children who live in the same area and are the same age. When do you as an adult find yourself surrounded by a group of 20 people who are the same age as you? Your office? Nah that's not right, hmm. At the beach? No that is not it either.. Ohh the class reunion!

As an adult how many friends do you have? I have a few good friends. I could most likely count them on one hand. Most vary in age by a few years. One of my very good friends today was simply someone I knew who went to the same school as I went to. My boyfriend went to the same school as me but not for long. He was home schooled and we're going on a 20 year friendship. He has a couple good friends as well. Friends, boyfriends/girlfriends an issue? I think not. I was there when we got pregnant with our son when we were only 16 years old.

To be quite honest my home schooled honey is way better with society than I am today. He tells me that I am a hermit. It's something I need to work on. Once I get out of the house though I am just fine. I do have a hot temper ooooh boy. I have a hard time keeping my cool. Now that I really think about it maybe it had something to do with being picked on and teased through school. Someone always had something mean to say or a dirty look to flash at me. Sometimes people will look at me "the wrong way" while I am out and it sets off that inner psycho and it's screaming RUN.

Home schooling is something that I am seriously thinking about. So tell me, is your blood pressure rising? Are you left sitting there thinking back on your childhood and your public education in the process of thinking about the future.

I love my children. I want them to enjoy life, make friends, have boyfriends and girlfriends, gain knowledge and experience through living and seeing. I want them to learn in the way that best suits them. I want them to be respected individuals.
Also.... I want to keep my sanity!   To be continued...?

My Inner Psycho Feeds on your Vanity

I pride myself in not caring what other people think of me. I don't care about the vanity of life's everyday things and happenings or seeking the approval of others. For this very reason I really have to keep myself in check especially with things that upset me. Me not caring what others think = escape of the psycho! So you could say I do worry about how people will judge my inner psycho.
I am happy to make my own decisions and not wait around for someone else to step in. However, I do ask opinions and thoughts on different topics from friends and family. I like to get other people's view points and I think this is important. If the only opinion and way of thinking you use is your own you are guaranteed not to see all angles of the situation. Confession: I may ask someone for advice but I will rarely use it. I always fall back on the advice I would give to someone else in the same situation. Taking your own advice is probably the best thing you can do for yourself.
Confession: I do get jealous when people play the vanity card. 
It just seems to be all "Heyyyy look at me...." and I want to snap out and punch people and be like, "Glad you have it alllll figured out!" It is for this reason that I really wish I could just deactivate my social networking profiles and go back to just using the internet for educational and entertainment purposes. I can't seem to do that though I like to feed the inner psycho with other people's vanity. Which really makes me sit here and question myself. Is something wrong with me?  I hope this is normal behavior... but deep down. I really don't think that it is and it certainly cannot be healthy.
I have "friends" who I wish I could just delete from my list but I don't because my inner psycho feels the need to feed off of their idiocy! I wonder if people keep me around for the same reason? It would only be fair if your psycho needs its daily dose to feed on me.

The D Word

That's right, drama! 
I think that the biggest problem with society and the cause of drama is the lack of will in others to mind their own business. Everyone seems to think that they need to get involved with anything that may not be the way they would do it.

We all do things differently. I raise my children differently than you or her or they do. I don't have a career. I have a ton of dreams that may never happen. So does it make it wrong for me to raise my children my way because it is not how someone else would do it? No, it just makes my family different. We're all unique and we're not all career moms! I'm surely not a career mom, not yet anyway. And I also generally refer to myself as a mum not a mom, it's a family thing. 
Are you going to get all over dramatic because I don't work? Because I stay home with my children and tend to their needs and house work? I'd surely hope not. It's my life not yours.
And if you don't agree with my dreams are you going to try to put me down? Now... think about how that would make you feel before you do it to someone else. I say if you're going to dream, dream big baby!

Also, who would I be to judge someone else for working 50 hour weeks and having a child or two at the same time? I'm not going to judge. We all carve these paths our own way with our own choices and it's amazing to see how diverse our lives really are.
Sometimes I sit and watch traffic and fascinate over how I know absolutely nothing about the people driving by. I don't know if they have children or grandchildren. I don't know if they have a family crisis going on or if they are about to leave for an awesome two week long vacation. I don't know what they have been through to any degree at all. I just know what they look like and I could never form a judgement from that now could I? Yet people do it everyday.



I don't smoke that green stuff but I'm not going to judge others for it. I'm not going to judge the alcoholic or the recovering drug addict. I am not going to judge the people around me because it is not my place and frankly I don't need the drama!  So the person next to you in the store might like to smoke pot. Does it affect you? What? No, it doesn't, that's right. Good job. So why would you care?

The next time you want to lift up your phone and gab about someone doing something. Please.... contemplate if it is really worth the occupying of your time. To waste an hour of your time on someone else's way of life is generally looked at as pathetic. No one likes it and I'll be that not many people like you either. Drama pusher!

Please note that I am NOT singling out anyone in this post I'm just blogging some thoughts. If you think this post is about you... it's not lol. Really. Generalization of a common problem is my only aim.
"You probably think this BLOG is about you, don't you? You're soooo vain!"