Insecurities About Being A Homemaker

I have really been struggling lately with being a homemaker vs. working outside the home.

I get email updates regularly for new job listings. I read through them meticulously wondering if perhaps one of these jobs might be the right one for me. But mostly the jobs that speak to me require more experience and/or education than I possess. I'm left feeling inadequate and just kind of worthless. Almost like I'm taking things too personally?

However, at the same time I've been trying to focus on being more productive at home. Getting more things done, saving money, being more available and less distracted. I believe that a stay at home mother is supposed to be an asset to her family. I haven't felt like I've been doing this job very well to be honest. I feel like more of a burden than an asset and I spent a good chunk of time crying about it a couple days ago.

If I don't have the skills or education for a job outside the home to be able to contribute financially to my family I have to do this homemaker job well. And if I don't then I've failed monumentally.

But in this I've got to let go a little bit. I've got to accept that this is my decision, that I want to be a homemaker and I want to do it well. Because I don't know that I've taken this job seriously now that my kids have been getting older and I know I've taken this opportunity for granted on many levels.

It is also hard to feel like I'm in the right place. I don't know any other women who are "career homemakers".... if that makes sense, I'm not even sure that's even a term close to what I mean. But I battle feeling like I'm not doing enough because I see so many women working and I know I shouldn't compare but I do. And I admire them so much! I think that they are amazing.

Maybe I feel guilty because I'm not a very good homemaker. But in my mind maybe I'm delusional about what that actually means. I feel like if I'm not good at this job, I really should have a job. And maybe like parenting I'm always going to feel a bit insecure and that doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing an awful job, it could just mean that I want to strive to always improve and get better at it. 

I wonder if other women struggle with these feelings.

Nighttime Ramblings

There was a time that I had wanted to be a writer. As far as my actual writing goes, I am certain I make many mistakes in writing. Incorrect punctuation and all that sort of stuff that I don't even know what it is.
Maybe you just hire someone to edit that kind of stuff for you and focus on the inspirational aspects instead.

This post is crap, I feel restless, like I need to make something but I don't know what.
I figured with it being 10 pm maybe writing would be a decent creative outlet but I see now that it is nothing more than rambling thoughts.


Everyone has to start somewhere right?

I had a dream last night that I was cutting umbilical cords? That's interesting.

I have all kinds of strange dreams. I wish I could remember more about them when I wake up but it doesn't seem to work like that. Too bad.

I wish I felt like reading. But I don't, I feel like doing.

So I started a load of laundry and said to hell with the sink full of dishes.
Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow with a better sense of what it is that I'm creatively constipated about. I probably have a project to finish that I'm forgetting about.

There is always another project though. At least for me, I use them to keep myself busy so I don't end up thinking too much. Perhaps I spent too much time thinking while I was driving around today.

Something is screaming outside, an animal, a bird? Maybe a rabbit. It makes me so nervous for my chickens.

I think my anxiety is causing all this restlessness. Sometimes it can make a person so productive! Other times its just an uneasy feeling.

Hopefully the next time I write it will be a little more captivating, not that I have an audience though.

Rabbit Hole (January 2017)

I absolutely fell down the rabbit hole after that last post.
A lot happened in the last 6 months. A lot.
While going through chiropractic care after the car accident we were also in the spontaneous process of buying a house!
Which is like one of the most stressful things ever. We had no plans of moving again, but an opportunity presented itself and we simply had to go for it.

Then some family legal stuff. Then holidays. Then I turned 30 which I barely made it through before falling to pieces.

But with so much change on top of anxiety.. I fell apart for a while.

I acted like a crazy person at least a handful of times.

At one point I was certain my marriage wouldnt be able to endure my depression. I can’t go there.

I’m finally seeing a doctor again after years being determined to live with my immune issues and pain. I get answers next week. I’d say maybe antidepressants too but, I’m fine now which leads me to think it’s probably the family bipolar gene. Zippity do dah.

We do not have any home internet(it hasn’t made its way our this far yet haha), so I have tons of time to write, not being distracted by streaming or any other fun stuff lol. But typing hurts my hands. I’m not sure it it is related to medical issues or if I’m out of practice from being unplugged for so long.
 But either way I don’t have a laptop, yet so I can’t connect and share anything anyway.

Maybe that’s part of why things got so bad, I had no platform and neglected the part where I write and self analyze to prevent further damage.
So I’m writing this from my cell phone now because I just have to find a way if it is important enough I suppose.
I could probably blast through all my data writing.

I want to write about my cow neighbors, no really they are cows. And our new rooster Carl. And what life is like without the internet or cable or dish. By the way, netflix still has dvd subscriptions! We have been watching Outlander and I love it!

But for now I’ll just leave this, and say that I fell down the rabbit hole, my anxiety consumed me, and depression tried to destroy everything, but I’ve pulled back out, I didn’t die.
I didn’t die. Sometimes that’s all you can really do, is to choose to live, to keep trying. If everything falls apart and you come out of the wreckage with a beating heart, you’re doing ok.
Not everyone will understand. They don’t have to.
But I didn’t give up in any sense.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Sometimes, I don’t feel like all people really understand anxiety. They are the ones who feel it in small bursts when life gets stressful and things are too much. Many people even have situational anxiety. “Oh okay, you’re feeling anxious.” *pffft*
But I’m talking about the kind that becomes a part of you, it infiltrates your life and gobbles you whole like a monster. It wears out its welcome and it leaves you wishing for those vices, begging for relief.
We were in a car accident, car was totaled while our occupants only endured minor injuries. But it awakened the monster dwelling inside me. I’ve been a mess.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t stay asleep when I do sleep. I feel like I’m being crushed from the outside in and the inside out. Sometimes my body feels like it is going to burst into flames. I can’t breathe. I can’t digest my food properly and end up on the toilet all the fucking time. My body is having an existential crisis. I say “my body” because I usually feel fine in my mind but my body doesn’t know it, it still thinks something is wrong. I worry all the time. My hormones are off, my period is late(no womb minions, thank you very much).
If I can’t keep my mind steady my body reacts even more. Giving in to worry or acknowledging stress is not a good idea. I don’t want to be this person this scared, worried, shaking person, who has irrelevant dreams and relevant dreams who tosses and turns with kicky feet.
I’ve never wanted this.
But anxiety has been a part of who I am since I was little.
I used to get so excited before birthdays and holidays that I’d be sick, vomiting and diarrhea sick. I’ve always been a ball of nerves.

I have anxiety every fucking day, low key manageable anxiety, I live with it and I cope pretty well under the usual circumstances. In the grocery store, driving, waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, making dinner, using the telephone, checking the mail, I worry about the chickens, the cars, the driveway, water toxicity, my children, my child with special needs, homeschooling and not homeschooling. I worry about society and god forbid someone starts with me about this fucking election, I can’t. I’m going to start bursting into tears pretty soon, I’ll hear “Woah I didn’t know she cared so much.” in hushed voices, because I just CAN’T be a stable human being anymore. Because I’ve maxed out my anxiety thresholds. I’m not in control anymore my body is just responding and I don’t know why most of the time.
I worry about family and friends and I always try to be ready and available for them. Sometimes I should be less available that’s for certain. Self preservation fails me time and again and it seems people don’t see me for the ball of nerves that I am.
I’m happy. I’m anxious but I’m really happy in my life. After a while, if I cannot get this anxiety under control I won’t be happy any more.
My fight or flight will kick in, more than it already is, and I will be in crisis mode.
This isn’t where my detailed anxiety experience ends.
This is the point at which I have to do the things that ease my anxiety, even on the days I feel ok. I have to calm my body I have to be centered again. I have to. There are no exceptions.
And this is the song that is coming to mind.
“Everything is going to be alright, rockabye”