Insecurities About Being A Homemaker

I have really been struggling lately with being a homemaker vs. working outside the home.

I get email updates regularly for new job listings. I read through them meticulously wondering if perhaps one of these jobs might be the right one for me. But mostly the jobs that speak to me require more experience and/or education than I possess. I'm left feeling inadequate and just kind of worthless. Almost like I'm taking things too personally?

However, at the same time I've been trying to focus on being more productive at home. Getting more things done, saving money, being more available and less distracted. I believe that a stay at home mother is supposed to be an asset to her family. I haven't felt like I've been doing this job very well to be honest. I feel like more of a burden than an asset and I spent a good chunk of time crying about it a couple days ago.

If I don't have the skills or education for a job outside the home to be able to contribute financially to my family I have to do this homemaker job well. And if I don't then I've failed monumentally.

But in this I've got to let go a little bit. I've got to accept that this is my decision, that I want to be a homemaker and I want to do it well. Because I don't know that I've taken this job seriously now that my kids have been getting older and I know I've taken this opportunity for granted on many levels.

It is also hard to feel like I'm in the right place. I don't know any other women who are "career homemakers".... if that makes sense, I'm not even sure that's even a term close to what I mean. But I battle feeling like I'm not doing enough because I see so many women working and I know I shouldn't compare but I do. And I admire them so much! I think that they are amazing.

Maybe I feel guilty because I'm not a very good homemaker. But in my mind maybe I'm delusional about what that actually means. I feel like if I'm not good at this job, I really should have a job. And maybe like parenting I'm always going to feel a bit insecure and that doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing an awful job, it could just mean that I want to strive to always improve and get better at it. 

I wonder if other women struggle with these feelings.

Purpose Passion and Other Such Mythical Creatures

Lately my life’s purpose has weighed heavy on my mind.
What am I supposed to be doing?
What will make me feel fulfilled?
How can I leave a mark?
What is my passion?

I’ve been raising children for the last 12 years. They have been my passion, my reason to wake up, my happiness, my purpose. But I cannot put all that onto the backs of my children for one day they will be grown and they will stretch and find they have outgrown me and they will move on.

I don’t want to feel like I’m losing myself when they’ve moved on with their own lives or any such other way that comes from having nothing important in ones life other than her children.

Maybe either way I’m selfish. Maybe I’m supposed to focus on my children and then quickly shift into my next calling when that chapter is through. Maybe I’m just supposed to know how to take it all in stride. But right now, in this life, I need something that is mine.
I need to feel like I’m working towards something.
I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’m scatterbrained and impulsive and flighty. I dream sooo big that I depress myself because some things just cannot be so, no matter how hard you wish it or dream it or want it. I don’t think I have roots, even though I’m the most grounded person I know.

Perhaps I’ve surrounded myself with flighty dreamers.

I call myself a realist.
By realist I mean that I have an abundance of expectations and hopes and ambitions, but I’m scared to death. I am scared that I will fall. That I’ll be ridiculed. That I’m selfish and wrong.

I worry that I simply just want too much and it is like wanting the moon. You long for her and she fools you into thinking she’s all yours, but every other person wants the moon too and not a single one will ever have her.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.
But I sure as hell hope I figure it out before regrets catch up with me.

To err is human...

I am not a perfect mother. I make mistakes. Just in case you had the wrong idea about me, I'm a total mess up some days. Actually, at least once a day I do something that reflects badly on who I am. What can I say, oh a quote, "To err is human..." 
Really it always seems to boil down to the little things. You know when you finally flip your lid, lose your temper, fly off the handle, or what have you. It seems to be a small thing that keeps popping up that really just makes you lose your shit.
Too often I lose my temper and yell when my kids have done something usually something small and probably for the 15th time. But it happens with a compilation of things happening in a short period of time. Today for example headaches, off and on all day. Kids were having off days with their tempers on high and emotions too. I finally reached that point in the day where I was going to get to be alone with my thoughts. Then the child who spent two hours crying about this and that before falling asleep wakes up again and starts crying some more, about this and that again. One thing leads to another and I'm yelling about things that shouldn't have happened with another kid. I have excuses or reasons if you want them. But to get to the point, I was having a hard time and reacted badly to my emotions toward situations out of my control. I behaved like a jerk.  For what reason? Previous guidelines were set and not respected resulting in a situation that was a disaster because I wasn't listened to. That had no consequences for the child but demanded me to fix it, again. I got mad and yelled and hurt said child's feelings. 
I have work to do. Lately I've been thinking about things that I can change and do better as a parent. Then I go and do the opposite of course, because that makes sense in opposite world.
There always seems to be a last straw and a tiny little heart attached to it. Something worth being mindful of. I cannot forget that my choices and reactions have consequences. This really is the stuff of life, connecting with others and forming good relationships.
Thankfully I can admit fault, explain myself and apologize while moving forward and trying not to make the same mistakes. But also making sure that children fully understand why guidelines are there and helping them to make better choices.
"To err is human to forgive is divine"
Lets talk again about this...