Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Confessions of the Damaged and Broken

          Through the years, choices, and mistakes I became broken. Just a fragment in every area of who I once was and would again like to be.
          I was ensured that I wasn't good enough by many. Sometimes I even looked for it from people I knew could never accept who I really am.
          I was left with feelings of such abandonment that I craved death.
          My confidence is lacking. And maybe it is now that I need to say that your words hurt me. From elementary school to high-school kids were just plain mean. Some picked on  me for anything from my name to my shoes to the generic foods "poor people foods" in my packed lunches. Some told lies. Some wished death upon me. I was called names. I don't recall having many good lasting friendships with anyone.
          I was once told that I lost the fire in my eyes. I will never forget. Especially that crushing feeling of knowing it was true. I feel like I have been chasing that same fire for years and only growing further away. It's a sorry-sad feeling, full of desperation and hints of hope, false hope that is.
          Maybe it was the physical abuse I endured. Or maybe it was my own emotional issues but I will never again feel like I once did. Or trust people completely. A complement always feels two-sided. Smiles make me uncomfortable.
          The last time a man raised his hand to me I fought back with a rage so pure to hatred that I think I unlocked something very close to demonic. Maybe that is what happens to someone who has carried around too much negativity all their life. Maybe all those years of school torture, family problems, and failed relationships finally unlocked some part of me that was ready to dish out an ass-whooping. So that's what I did. Part of me longs to feel this rage toward someone again. Part of me wants to start problems with others so that I might get the chance to let it out again. Rage is the only emotional reaction that feels productive sometimes but it is always out of my reach, always taunting me.
          I am still haunted by things like this. Some of the choices and mistakes I have made do it too. Other people's mistakes and harsh words that have influenced me still weigh me down.
          I don't hold a grudge. But I remember everything. Every dumb lie someone told me. Every insult. Every time I was made to feel like an insignificant speck in the life of someone else. I remember all of the things I did to hurt other people, intentionally or not. I carry it with me and it has all shaped me into who I am. But I do not like it. Why can't I just learn the lesson and not feel guilty? Maybe I need to apologize to those who I can. Perhaps closure is the key to my emotional freedom. Maybe it is how I will get the fire back in my eyes. I need to forgive those who hurt me and apologize to the people I hurt.
                             I want to be free of this forever! 

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