Monday, October 8, 2012

I wish I was her...

Here I sit at home alone feeling guilty. How can I "enjoy the alone time" when I feel this way. I'll tell you exactly why.....

I feel guilty because I am not the person I wish that I was. I cannot force myself to be her.
As a result I feel like I am missing out. But there is not one single reason worth making my entire family miserable by my presence.

I am at home in a warm house sipping a latte that was probably bought in an attempt to butter me up and bribe me to go to the park with my children. Why the hell can't I just do that?!

It's fucking cold that's why! I am IN the warm house and my fingers hurt, they are stiff. And I can hardly use a pen; it looks like a damn 12 year old's hand writing.
Why do I feel that I am being bribed to go to the park with my own kids. And when I am told "it's ok" it feels like a big fat lie. Because I know it's not ok. I should be willing to go do these things. I should endure whatever it takes, put a smile on my face and go.

I regret that I am not the person that I feel everyone needs me to be. I'm not even close most days.
Mostly, I am feeling sorry for not being the person I feel that my family deserves. I don't feel that I can be her while we are here.

I don't like freezing, I don't like sweating, and we're locked down in stupid fucking Pennsylvania with its stupid weather until we die!

That's how I feel today.

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