Do ya like soup?

Friendships have always been incredibly hard for me.
I’m the kind of friend you call when you want a solution, not when you want sympathy. Although I’ll give sympathy too! Typically women call on women friends to just listen and agree. Women call on man friends and relatives when they want a solution to a problem, practical tangible problems. I get it, really. I’m just rarely the right friend fit and people generally are closer with people they can call when they need advice they seek and want to hear or a listening ear.
I’m very introverted and in the socially awkward stereotypical sense, sorry introverts, I give you all a bad name. I don’t need “girls night”. I don’t need to see my friends up close and personal.
Actually, hold that, I’m not entirely sure I have friends and I’m not sure that I’m a friend to anyone else. If friends typically want to see each other and no one wants to see me… do I have friends?
Thus, this leads me to describing a centerpiece idea for our dining room to my husband.
Who just blinks at me. I realize what’s happening.
Which leads me to say, “I’m sorry, I should be talking about this with one of my friends, but you’re my only friend, so..“.
I don’t know what to do about that.  I should firstly stop torturing my husband. I know that he can’t give me the kind of input I need on that stuff and it isn’t fair. Secondly, I need to establish more friendships…. more on that later.
I know that I’m not an easy person to get to know, but I do believe I’m a good friend so long as people don’t take it personally if I give them a solution to a problem or don’t make it a point to get together frequently. Both of which are complicated and likely equate to being a terrible friend.  I’ve given solutions to problems, when the friend only wanted me to listen. I never meant to, I just thought they wanted solutions! I’ve lost friends this way. I can’t help who I am but I can try and I do! But, no one talks to me about anything that might involve perspective from yours truly now. I don’t do this, jumping to conclusions of solutions thing, anymore. When I’m unsure, I learned to ask, “Do you need me to listen or do you want me to spin some solutions?”. That could be wrong too and maybe that makes them bad friends. If they can’t accept that I miss the social cues and I need to ask “stupid” questions then they aren’t very great friends. Help me help you!
Or maybe, just maybe, people should pick up a damn phone and make a call to a friend. I don’t know how to read expression in written messages, so much slips between the cracks. Maybe that is the real fault in friendships.
A friendship was lost over my unyielding opinion, I’m not going to agree with someone for the sake of saving a friendship. I’m also not tearing down their opinion, just sharing my own. I don’t know how a difference of opinion like that could make or break a friendship. Except that the friendship must not have been very great. My opinions often get me into trouble, many people can’t handle having a different opinion on something than their friend does. Or they wouldn’t consider a friendship with a person who has a conflicting opinion. That has never stopped me from having a friendship with someone.
I believe that some people really are too different to have a good friendship and some people are too toxic to endure. Everyone’s toxicity tolerance is different. I’m probably too toxic for people who like things sugar coated and enjoy a good lie. I understand, I won’t try to be something that I’m not. A person who would want me to change who I am and what I believe to better match their need for friend similarities is toxic to me. I’ve had many toxic friends and friends who brought out the worst in myself. How do I avoid that? Trial and error? That’s exhausting.
People often drift apart as life changes. I think that has been the hardest for me. My friends drift away and I haven’t made new friends.
I suppose I need to figure out what I need from a friend and what I can put into a friendship.
Making new friends…
How do people do that!? 
I feel like a kid picking blueberries. I start out with a nice handful then I eat a few here and a few there. Haha that’s not a great example. I don’t eat my friends. But I seem to just lose them along the way, more like running with a bucket of water.
But still, I’m not a child putting out a want ad for Mary Poppins!
Or maybe I am.
But then I say stupid things like “Do ya like soup?”.
And people likely think I’m incredibly strange.
I think I am incredibly strange, I wonder if people like that in friends or if I’m getting to old to be so awkward.