Monday, September 24, 2012

"Loners" Need People Too

I hate that I am such a horrible friend.
I lack the capacity to make friends and keep them. I get it, I don't blame anyone. I wouldn't be friends with me either. But when I need a friend, I know that I don't really have them and I don't really deserve them anyway.

I don't know how to react to complaining/issues/problems and usually I just try to fix or help others fix the problem they are having before even considering they might just want to complain about it (and have me listen). I have been an awful friend to the people in my life. And I barely talk to family. I don't know how to form all of those relationships with people so I avoid them because I don't want to screw up. But in the end that is exactly what I am doing, screwing up.
Fear prevents me from trying and my inability to be understanding and empathetic without letting others problems consume me messes up any chance of friendships and good positive relationships.

I don't feel like I have the normal relationships that others have with their friends, neighbors, grandmothers, fathers, etc. I feel absolutely secluded. And it is when I am feeling alone and vulnerable that I know I am the only one at fault. 
I take it personally when Bryon thinks I can just call someone up and have a friend to go do whatever with. I find it upsetting that I can't talk to him about how this feels but when it comes right down to it... I don't really want to.
Nothing like running to the bathroom to cry
 over something that doesn't fucking exist anyway, relationships are an illusion. I hid behind a door to hide from the one person who has always been a friend, who has always been there and who has helped me through some of the hardest things in my life. I don't want him to know how very weak I feel over this.  

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