Saturday, May 26, 2012

Self Improvement *February 2012*

I have been working on myself lately. Hopes, dreams, goals, how to, and all that jazz.

I have been trying to get myself back on track and out of my BLAH mode. Which has included some creative endeavors. Including painting and sketching. I don't have a lot of time for these things but when the chance is there and so is the motivation I take advantage of it. I recently made a cake for a relative's party and I was pretty proud of how it turned out.

Let's talk about the economy. **October 2011**

This isn't an economic recession, this is a g'damn CRISIS!!!

So why don't I go get a job? Good freakin' point! Thank you for bringing that to my attention, imaginary person I just made up.

Well, let me just say that with a limited education and no experience to get a suitable job that would pay child care costs I can't afford to work either! Amazing isn't it!? So I have three kids... one is in school from 8-4. I need a morning shift, and a sitter for my girls. Well then I need to make at least.... $16 an hour to be able to pay for the child care and gas and make some kind of profit.  Recommend me a job, antidepressants, a good surgeon for carpal tunnel, and we can see how far I can get. :)

So... I have had little job experience, spent the last 3 years raising my children (poor resume), and I'm not sure if I'm going to finish my college associate degree program because I failed out of the math.. twice! I know, I know, I'm a genius! .... Not.

So here is my bitch fest moment for the day:

I was supposed to have X amount of money and I really have 1/2 of X. All of X would have barely kept the bank account in the positive and would have not been able to cover the cost of my car insurance.

So I had 1/2 of X and now I have 1/4 of X because I decided I might as well pay one thing since the bank is going to bounce anyway. The other 1/4 of X will go into the bank for shits and giggles and an "oh well, I tried". Meanwhile I feel like exploding because I can't fix this CRAP!

I did it! **March**

I ran, I ate healthy, I cut back my caffeine (coffee), cut out the soda, increased water consumption. Now... what do I make for dinner? My legs are tired, so I'm sitting here sipping an evening coffee and trying to find a simple healthy recipe to make for dinner for me and my little girls.
It's my son's turn away at my parents house so he is gone until tomorrow. He is by far the picky eater in the family.

**March** Fitness Stuff

Saturday: I ran, I ate healthy, I cut back my caffeine (coffee), cut out the soda, increased water consumption. Now... what do I make for dinner? My legs are tired, so I'm sitting here sipping an evening coffee and trying to find a simple healthy recipe to make for dinner for me and my little girls.

Tuesday: So I ran again yesterday I'm getting better. Still watching my diet closely and contemplating a visit to my doctor for a routine check up see how healthy I am...

This was saved as a draft....?

Friday, May 25, 2012

Sensitivities Detected

As long as I stay away from gluten I feel fine. Great in fact. This seriously makes me wonder what my kids are in store for if they take after me.

At least I know to be aware of these things. I know to watch and pay attention.

I ate a hot dog (eww I know but it had melty cheese and it was so tempting) on a bun. And about 3 hours later my hips and knees are aching.
A few days ago I had two chili cheese dogs. I limped around for hours maybe even the entire day. I ACHE soooo bad when I eat this stuff. Since starting my diet and then testing it by eating bread products and such that contain gluten I am so much more in tune with my body and how it reacts.

It really is not that hard to eat gluten free. Think of it this way, eat meat... no breading or fillers(hot dogs probably are NOT a good idea). Even commercial spaghetti sauce contains wheat... I just found this out tonight at my friend Jessy's house.
Ok, so eat meat, eat dairy (Note: many people with gluten sensitivity or celiac disease have a lactose intolerance as well), eat fruits, vegetables, eat brown rice(it is so good for you), don't forget beans! Potatoes are awesome as well. Some stores sell rice flour so you can make your own flour products like, cakes, breads, biscuits. I have yet to try this but the flour is waiting for me when I am ready! I used it to make a rue for a cream sauce for my gluten free pasta.

I think that perhaps after we get moved and settled I will really kick my butt into gear on an entirely new blog dedicated to diet stuff.

Until next time...

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Can I be more?

Lets just get a few things straight. I am satisfied! My life is good! I don't hate myself!

However, the issue is that I want to be different.
I want to be more motivated, less planned, spontaneous, friendly, someone people want to be around. I don't think I am any of those things and I am probably not going to get here by killing people in my head when I go out in public.
I also swear at people who don't know how to drive... but they don't hear me. The other day I had to come to a complete stop for a stupid squirrel (our road doesn't have too much traffic don't worry I'm not an idiot!) because it wasn't moving aside. On my way back home the damn thing was squished on the road about 15 feet from where I had to stop for it. For that I called the squirrel a "dumb fucker". Who does that? Probably someone who cares enough about a squirrel to stop in the middle of the street to wait for it to move but who won't hesitate to race a pedestrian to an intersection! I think I have issues.. it's no wonder I don't have anyone to invite to do stuff with(Ok that's an exaggeration, don't get yourself all butt hurt. I love you!!!). 

Seriously thought I'm not the kind of person you want to be friends with. I'm a good person and I feel morally sound most of the time.... killing people in my head because they look at me in a "tone" I don't approve of probably isn't very morally sound. I don't steal or lie or cheat (at anything). I can be brutally honest and people can often take that as pessimism. But I'm not seeing the glass of water half full or half empty. I really do just see half a glass of water and I call if for what it is.
Maybe it should be a half full kind of thing? Maybe I need to work on that. But to work on these things is to try to change who I am and if I change who I am... what will I become?
Who will I be and will I end up having a nervous breakdown? Do you think you can change yourself if you really want to or is your personality predestined based off of what it has been thus far...

This is too complex. Simply put:
I want to be more! 

Friday, May 11, 2012

Boycotting Gluten - Day 2

So I have been avoiding gluten.

I don't feel sick, I have been having headaches like crazy ( read this can be a body detox from cutting out the bad and bringing in the good ) but everything else is getting better.
This feeling better could also have something to do with the fact that I have been eating a lot more fresh fruits and vegetables. But hey I'm feeling good and this is good news! I do miss certain things, but I know that if I am having sensitivities to gluten it is something I need to embrace head on. Not something to toy with. Gluten sensitivity is often related to celiac disease and if this is the case then it is best to eliminate the problem not "live with" the symptoms. Yeah?
Here is some more information:

It might not be the best information but it is a start if you need some explanation.

I will update on this evil little gluten thing again!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Misery is Today

As I sit and my eyes fill with tears the only words that come to mind are, "I ... can't ... do this..."

What can't I do? All of it... I am exhausted I am sick I am tired of repeating myself and not being listened to. I am fed up with walking into a room I just cleaned to find in fucking destroyed again... I am done with finding mother f-ing stuffed animal stuffing all through the house.

I am trying so hard to keep up with laundry and dishes and shopping and meals... packing and keeping everything clean in the mean time.
I set myself up for failure. No single person can do everything while caring for three children and not ask for a little bit of help. I am in crisis mode... I am HUNGRY and I am weak and where is help when I need it? Now I am having headaches that I can't get rid of and I really just want to go to bed. I have been willing and ready to go to bed for the night since 5
I am not cut out for life today. Maybe tomorrow... but today... I would like to just evaporate with my tears into a place that can take care of me for a little while.

Food Sensitivities are Starving Me

Just as I am indulging in expressing my love for food I am faced again with repeat issues I have had to deal with off and on for years. 
I have sensitivities and these sensitivities started when I was 15. I was having pain on my right side under my ribs after eating. Tests showed that I have a "sluggish gallbladder" and doctors wanted to do surgery to remove it. The other option was to change my diet. I went with the other option after all if your body is crying out in pain... you're obviously doing something wrong and you should listen to it.. not remove the symptom. I removed the problem not the symptom! So many people just do not understand this and that's ok. I may have just clarified it for some lucky person! :)
From there I developed sensitivities to milk. Basically lactose intolerance. However, this intolerance comes and goes! The last time it happened was spring-summer 2010 and it lasted until fall 2011 and then I noticed it had let up. I was again able to have a bowl of cereal without clinging to the toilet with my butt cheeks. So sorry for that visual! On a side note here... those lactaid tablets helped me for a little while but then they stopped working and started causing me to have excruciating pain in my abdomen to the point I almost went to the hospital.
I am pretty sure that my pancreas was pissed off that I was trying to help it to digest a stupid iced coffee! The pancreas releases enzymes into the digestive system to help break down foods for maximum absorption, if you weren't sure. Anyways the stupid thing was rock hard and causing me worse pain that child labor.... yeah, I know.... why didn't I go to the hospital? Because it is more comfortable to writhe and cry out in pain from the comfort of your own bed when you know a hospital isn't going to help you anyway!
It was at this point that I swore off those evil tablets and decided if I REALLY wanted milk products that bad, I would just deal with clinging to the toilet for dear life... And then I avoided milk for a verrrrry long time. I was so sensitive that I couldn't even have mashed potatoes if they had milk in them. Seriously! How terrible is that?!

I lived with it... and by lived with it I mean I was like a jealous little kid with the flu during July watching all the other kids play outside in sprinklers, swimming pools, and riding their bikes. I was JEALOUS and ENVIOUS and ANGRY at everyone else eating ice cream, iced coffee, I could kick their asses.

I should also add that I hate!!!! ....almond milk, soy milk, rice milk.... gag city! Sorry I just cannot do it! I may also want to add in here that all three of my children have had milk sensitivities in their lives... and they are still very young. Much younger than when I had issues starting.
Gavin cannot digest refined sugar... he reacts to it like lactose intolerance would. I should add that when he was 1 he had to have lactose free milk because he couldn't tolerate it just like me. It came and went though for him as well but hasn't been back.
When Cambria was a year old I started switching her to whole milk, she had seizure like fits every night for that entire week... I thought something was seriously wrong with my baby and we sat up every night crying together. She would wake up screaming bloody murder... but no vomiting or diarrhea. So it took me an entire week of HELL for her to figure out it was the milk. I immediately switched her to soy milk and she had no issues. But she couldn't eat anything with cream cheese or heavy cream. Cheese was fine.. when she was 2 + I tried her on 2% milk just like I did with Gavin and she was fine on it.
So as you can guess... when Arayla turned a year old I was CAUTIOUS! I gave her whole milk and she projectile vomited from it twice... so we switched to 2 % and life has been smooth. Too much fat? Too much sugar? Who really knows but my children are doomed and for this I am soooo sorry.

Here I am, I battled with milk sensitivities off and on... meaning sometimes I would be just find to drink milk and other times NOT AT ALL. And then again at other times I could tolerate just a little bit.

Now I have sensitivities to everything to the point I have no desire to eat... really... I get hungry, I get angry, I drink something, and I'm not hungry anymore!  Ok not everything, I can eat chicken, I can eat fresh salad with vegetables and fruits. Seems like milk is ok with me too, for now.

I have decided it is time to really start a food journal. An in depth OCD food journal. Write it all in and describe how I am feeling after eating various foods. After all it obviously isn't a concern for my doctor who says I am probably just sensitive because I have a small build. Really? Oh and that since I have brought it up in the past (which I forgot about) it must be normal for me?! I'm sitting here thinking, well maybe I should have asked him, "well if this is an ongoing complaint doesn't that mean it is an ongoing problem?". Maybe I am wrong I don't have a PhD I just have loss of appetite, pain, nausea, dizziness, hair loss, fatigue, bowel issues (*so embarrassed* but yes I said it, what goes in must come out?), missed periods, unexplained weight fluctuations, .... I'm going to stop there.
 Google tells me I have Celiac Disease... My doctor tells me I have a small physical build.
 I will update on my devastating lack of ability to eat and maintain comfort. 

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Good Morning? Goodbye! - Gasoline and Tears

I sometimes find it frustrating on quiet mornings that I don't have anyone to bother with stuff.
When I am awake at 8:30 and no one else I want to talk to is awake at 8:30 it makes me sad. You're all sleeping in and I can't bother you with my texts of various topics and ideas.

Being a mother of multiple children is like trying to manage a small business I think... a complicated nagging business in which you have supervisors from other businesses trying to tell you what to do, how to do it and judging you while looking down their noses. 

Between school stuff, appointments, picking up, and dropping off of things. Oh, and lets not forget all the MONEY being spent constantly. I feel like I might explode. 

To parents who have children who have not been in the public school yet... and are contemplating having more... I suggest you just wait a while and see if you really want to add to this chaos.

Once you get past the morning sickness, stretchmarks, 20 hour labor, spit up, terrible twos, potty training, teaching your child manners and basic etiquette, public melt downs, button pushing (in the mental variety), what NOT TO REPEAT!!! ever, nonstop talking, screaming in the car, .... look back at it and try to imagine starting again at conception. And we're not even looking at the preteen and teenage years yet... that's the kind of chaos you really try not to imagine in your spare time (ha what spare time) meanwhile you're just trying to keep cereal in bowls! 

Ok... so where am I going with this...? Sometimes I just need someone to talk to in the morning before my day gets so screwed up that I am driving down the road crying because I am so overwhelmed by life.  

It's nothing I can't handle but some days, I wish I was on the outside looking in.