Saturday, May 12, 2012

Can I be more?

Lets just get a few things straight. I am satisfied! My life is good! I don't hate myself!

However, the issue is that I want to be different.
I want to be more motivated, less planned, spontaneous, friendly, someone people want to be around. I don't think I am any of those things and I am probably not going to get here by killing people in my head when I go out in public.
I also swear at people who don't know how to drive... but they don't hear me. The other day I had to come to a complete stop for a stupid squirrel (our road doesn't have too much traffic don't worry I'm not an idiot!) because it wasn't moving aside. On my way back home the damn thing was squished on the road about 15 feet from where I had to stop for it. For that I called the squirrel a "dumb fucker". Who does that? Probably someone who cares enough about a squirrel to stop in the middle of the street to wait for it to move but who won't hesitate to race a pedestrian to an intersection! I think I have issues.. it's no wonder I don't have anyone to invite to do stuff with(Ok that's an exaggeration, don't get yourself all butt hurt. I love you!!!). 

Seriously thought I'm not the kind of person you want to be friends with. I'm a good person and I feel morally sound most of the time.... killing people in my head because they look at me in a "tone" I don't approve of probably isn't very morally sound. I don't steal or lie or cheat (at anything). I can be brutally honest and people can often take that as pessimism. But I'm not seeing the glass of water half full or half empty. I really do just see half a glass of water and I call if for what it is.
Maybe it should be a half full kind of thing? Maybe I need to work on that. But to work on these things is to try to change who I am and if I change who I am... what will I become?
Who will I be and will I end up having a nervous breakdown? Do you think you can change yourself if you really want to or is your personality predestined based off of what it has been thus far...

This is too complex. Simply put:
I want to be more! 

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