Thursday, September 22, 2011

It's like shitting your pants...

I was thinking about how nice it would be to have all of the answers that I need. To know where each decision would lead me to better make my choices. What should I do? Who do I listen to?

I get my hopes up and they come crashing down. What is the point of positive thinking really? In the end when everything is going down hill... you just realize how misconstrued your hopes really were. It's like... shitting your pants... there is no good aspect about it... except maybe the fact that people will stay away from you.

People that's another problem... everyone has something to say to someone else about what I need to be doing, what I don't need to do, and what I need to think about. Look at yourselves for a minute. I'm not the only one on trial for my stupid decisions and actions. I am tired of feeling pushed around by everyone in my life and I do mean everyone!
The only one who is not pushing me around is myself... and that's only because I'm kicking the FUCKING SHIT out of myself right now, pushing isn't enough. Honestly, a black eye would feel pretty good compared to the emotional pain. 

I have no one to blame but myself and it's up to me to pick myself back up. The pieces aren't all going to fit back the same way (think of it like puzzle pieces that got soggy and wet when they were tossed in the toilet) but if you'll be there when I come off of this ride I'll see you when I get there. 

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie.. Dont be kicking yourself for anything that you have done. Even though it might not work out the way you want it to, its not your fault. God has a purpose for everything and everyone. You have 3 amazing kids that adore you more then anything ( even if they show with there tanturms, crying, or just not listen) you are a great mom and friend. Maybe things are this way right now because in the future things will work into play. I love you hun you are an amazing women and i will always be here for you. I wish you would talk to me, we need to get together sometime i deff could use someone to talk to..