Friday, September 30, 2011

Not LEEPing for joy but I am relieved.

So I wanted to update how my LEEP went on Wednesday.

Let me just start off by saying that I was really nervous. If you have to have this done I suggest taking someone with you who makes you stronger when you're feeling weak. For me it was my boyfriend who went with me.

The procedure was very fast, they first put some stuff on the cervix to highlight the area(s) that is affected. This does feel like some mild burning (they do the same thing for the colposcopy).
The speculum is larger than for a regular pap exam which makes it pretty uncomfortable. After this... 3-4 injections were put into my cervix to numb it all around this also contained a medicine to limit bleeding. It makes your heart race, legs shake, and for me my ears were ringing. I told the doctor, and nurses that I felt like I was in a video game. I have never done drugs and so this was about the closest I got to doing drugs and it was pretty awesome. haha I read that some women didn't like it at all and said that it was the worst part with the heart racing and what not. For me... I think it helped!
I did feel the injections and it burned but it is nothing that can't be handled! Once I was numb I felt nothing. I even asked the doctor to test to be sure I was fully numb before the slicing/burning began. Also, before the procedure started I made the nurse promise that I wouldn't feel anything and that if I did... they would stop and numb me more. lol I didn't feel any of it, I only knew what was going on because I was being told. When the areas were being "finished" I felt it, it was like a faint scrape feeling. After it was finished I asked to look at the pieces of my cervix which was pretty neat.
It was all done and over with within like 15 minutes. The weird affects of the injections lasted a while longer.
The day of and day after were crampy and somewhat uncomfortable. Definitely have to SIT down and not plop down and some sitting positions made me feel "tender". I have experienced no bleeding at all! 

It will take the lab 3-5 days to evaluate the removed areas and get back to me to know if the margins are "clear" or "not clear"(so I will know between Monday & Wednesday). If they are clear then all of the precancerous cells were removed. I think that if the margins are not clear they will just watch and wait to see if my body can clear it up on it's own. I was also told that it is not uncommon to have abnormal paps for the next 2 years and let me tell you, that is good to know before they come back abnormal! At least I know to expect it and not to over react or freak out! Lucky me... I just get more gynecological action than "normal pap people". haha.

I'm really happy to be putting this behind me and I was told that it would not affect my ability to get pregnant or carry a baby to full term. So if that road is in our future... all should be well. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

No guarantees until you're dead, even then, someone is going to resuscitate you and screw it up!

Tomorrow morning I go for my LEEP (Click-> LEEP for further information) and I am pretty nervous. It's not going to be a highlight of 2011 at all just let me say that!

I'm not feeling too comforted by the fact that it is "getting taken care of". Primarily because,
  • #1) I have had these issues in the past and they resolved on their own no medical intervention needed, 
  • #2) if they miss part of the affected area they are going to want me to go back in for another mutilation of my cervix, and 
  • #3) there is no guarantee that the abnormal cells won't come back. 

I know I'm a "Negative Nancy", call me what you will. But the fact of the matter is that I have HPV this is a virus that I am going to have to live with and without getting rid of the virus I will never be able to guarantee that these abnormal cells will go away for good. There is also no way of knowing that I've kicked the virus. Just when I thought I had it kicked, my pap results come back "abnormal". Three full years with no issues and my abnormal cells are CIN2/Stage2 precancerous. Does this mean that they are changing more quickly when my immune system is down?
In another three years will I find out that I have full blown cervical cancer when just he year before my pap was normal?

I have a lot of questions and worries and I'm honestly lacking a lot of faith right now. I'm scared and I don't want to find myself in the position I can only imagine. However, I feel that it is kind of inevitable, eventually.

You could tell me to pray, you could tell me to think positively, but lets face it... I'm a realist and I think it's about time that I buy some freaking life insurance to take care of my family whenever the day comes that they need it.

No guarantees until you're dead, even then, someone is going to resuscitate you and screw it up!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

It's like shitting your pants...

I was thinking about how nice it would be to have all of the answers that I need. To know where each decision would lead me to better make my choices. What should I do? Who do I listen to?

I get my hopes up and they come crashing down. What is the point of positive thinking really? In the end when everything is going down hill... you just realize how misconstrued your hopes really were. It's like... shitting your pants... there is no good aspect about it... except maybe the fact that people will stay away from you.

People that's another problem... everyone has something to say to someone else about what I need to be doing, what I don't need to do, and what I need to think about. Look at yourselves for a minute. I'm not the only one on trial for my stupid decisions and actions. I am tired of feeling pushed around by everyone in my life and I do mean everyone!
The only one who is not pushing me around is myself... and that's only because I'm kicking the FUCKING SHIT out of myself right now, pushing isn't enough. Honestly, a black eye would feel pretty good compared to the emotional pain. 

I have no one to blame but myself and it's up to me to pick myself back up. The pieces aren't all going to fit back the same way (think of it like puzzle pieces that got soggy and wet when they were tossed in the toilet) but if you'll be there when I come off of this ride I'll see you when I get there. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

But I don't feel abnormal! (Women's Health Blog, warning TMI!!!)

     So, as women we all generally aren't too fond of our annual gynecological exam. This can be especially familiar if you've ever been told that your results were abnormal and they want to see you again for more poking, prodding, and to remove a portion of possibly abnormal cells for biopsy.
     Here is my story and I'm putting it out there for you because... there simply isn't enough information, first hand experience stories, and there is very little support for someone who has no idea what they are going through or are about to go through. I will try my hardest not to scare anyone; I know you're probably already  worried.

I went in during the second week of August for a routine annual exam. I first had an appointment for this in May and the office called and rescheduled me for June. The day before my June appointment they called and cancelled my second appointment. At this point I was getting upset and the only July appointments they had available were during my period! So FINALLY I got into the office in August. I saw someone new to me because the person whom I usually see was overbooked. Bing, bang, boom, and "everything looks good"; I was out of the office. "No news is good news" I was told.
Two weeks passed effortlessly and I got a call from my gynecologist's office. My pap was abnormal and I needed to return for a colposcopy. The colposcopy was scheduled one month after my annual exam. Let me tell you... having already been there, done that before I did NOT want to go. After all the first time I never figured out what the results were!!!
No I am not going to lie to you and tell you "It's like a pap smear". This can be painful it's most comparable to if you were to cut yourself with scissors... on your lady bits. The pain quickly passes but the memory will stay with you forever. So, if you need a repeat biopsy at some point in your life taken from your cervix... it's going to be more stressful. My first colposcopy + biopsy was done 3 years ago.
My August pap came back as ASCUS, CIN 1. This is where google helped me to understand what the office couldn't seem to explain to me.
A colposcopy itself does not hurt, it is like a pap smear. They look around put a concoction on your cervix to highlight any areas that my have dysplasia or lesions("lesions" sounds pretty bad I know). They use a special microscope to look for the cell changes and if they see something there, most likely they will do a biopsy to find out exactly what cells you have. Very rarely will a doctor do treatment at this time as it is important for you to be prepared for it. For example if you are going in for the colposcopy generally you would be able to do this alone. You will not have pain that will cause interference with driving but if you are a nervous wreck I would suggest that you have someone drive you!
A couple biopsies were taken from my cervix because more than one area was affected. For me the first biopsy that was taken didn't hurt, it was the second one that was painful, and then a swab was done inside the cervix to ensure no abnormal changes were taking place where they could not be seen. I was an emotional wreck. Wishing and hoping that my pap was wrong and that I was there for nothing. But it turned out that my dysplasia looked pretty bad and was located on two different parts of my cervix. If your doctor has the technology to put the image onto a computer screen you may be able to ask to see what is going on inside there. It's your body... you might as well know what is going on in there! I got to see my cervix and the affected areas. I even asked to see the specimens (that once belonged to me) they took that were being sent for biopsy. They only take a tiny little snip of the affected cells for the biopsy. Worst part is the goo they put in there that helps to limit bleeding. It really is disgusting! Wear a panty liner or pad until you know it's all done making it's way back out!
No tampons no sex for 1-2 weeks possibly longer depending on what your doctor tells you. Now.... you get to sit around and worry and wait and drive yourself absolutely INSANE!!! Sounds like a blast right?

My gynecologist recommended right at my biopsy that she wanted to do a LEEP to remove all of the abnormal cells and to just go ahead and take care of it and hopefully I can be done with it. Although if I am planning on having more children we would wait to do the LEEP until after that. I was also told AT the colpo' that a test would be run to find out what strain of the hpv virus was responsible for these abnormal cervical cells.
Which makes no sense to me because I tested positive for hpv (if your pap is abnormal they usually automatically run this test). So if the virus want's to persist, the cells with come back again!? Right? It's all about the immune system's defense against the HPV virus in my understanding. If your immune system is down.... hpv is more likely to try to "attack".
Some offices would have gotten my abnormal pap results and told me to come back in 6 months for another pap and if it is abnormal again they would move forward with the colposcopy.
So at this point my biopsy from the colposcopy revealed CIN 2 in both parts of my cervix. And my gynecologist is pushing for immediate action to be taken. They even tried scare tactics and were one step away from screaming at me over the phone. Then never ran the test that I was told would be done to find out what type of hpv I have. So... someone lied to me, as if going to the gynecologist wasn't enough of a turn off, they're really trying hard to run me off to another doctor.

There is so much that people do not know about HPV. Did you know... By age 50, 80% of women will have HPV. HPV can be spread through skin contact, which means, condoms will not protect against getting HPV or spreading it to your partner. The test for HPV in men is limited as in there is no test like the one that doctor's have for women follow the link for more men's health regarding HPV ( Men CAN be tested for HPV if they have genital warts, known to be caused from certain strains of the HPV virus, but by that time they already know that they have it. There is no cure and the vaccine only protects against a couple strains of HPV out of over one hundred different strains. If you think you're protected, you're not. Doctors generally only offer this vaccination to girls and young women even though males can get HPV and can be at increased risk of cancer. HPV can cause PENILE cancer, ANAL cancer, and OROPHARYNGEAL cancer (back of the throat) in addition to Cervical cancer and other vaginal cancers. HPV can remain dormant for months or years making it difficult to know when you originally came into contact with the virus as well as who you may have spread it to.

Here are some websites to gain further information(Please note that information from research varies from one source to the next and it is important to take all information into consideration because this virus is still undergoing research to better understand it. Also there is no cure only preventative measures.):

Back to how I'm feeling.... since I haven't quite touched base on that.
In one word... defeated.
My doctors want to do a LEEP procedure to remove all the abnormal cells/dysplasia. They keep telling me that my cervix will "grow back" but I have yet to find this information. And after already being lied to once I'm not feeling to sure about this whole situation. Scare tactics have been used against me when I've expressed emotional distress about the situation, making them come off as completely inconsiderate and rude.
I understand "procedure" and I understand that I have three children but my PLANS are not over and they are not even telling me any of the risks involved. Not once have they mentioned "incompetent cervix", infertility, or infection. They have told me "you will absolutely be able to have another baby". But don't care to listen when I explain that the cells are on a part of my cervix that was damaged during child birth.... meaning it will be different and it's not just on the surface.
Seriously.... what am I supposed to do when my gut is telling me they are wrong?
What am I supposed to do when they aren't telling me everything and are lying to me?
Had I been going to my old dr... they'd have done a watch and wait period of 6 months if another abnormal pap was then received a colposcopy would have been completed and then actions would be based off of those findings.
I'm sad, I'm torn, and I'm simply not satisfied with what I am being told.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


I know this day will be remembered like it was yesterday for the rest of my life. 

I was in high school Spanish class when the news was delivered. I remember the shock that my teacher was in and some people thought it was a bad joke. The reality of the situation didn't set in until the tv was turned on and we watched the towers fall. I remember seeing tears in my teacher's eyes and soon after my parents came to the school to pick my sisters and I up. Many other parents were doing the same. I remember the halls being packed with parents and students heading home for the day. No one knew if something else was coming. 

Today my thoughts are with everyone who lost someone on September 11th and everyone who has lost a loved one as a result since then. 
Today I also think of how fortunate I am and my family is to be safe, to be happy, to be able to walk outside and not fear for our lives. These things in our lives are generally taken for granted. I can drive to the store and buy food and take my children the doctor when they need medication. Not everyone lives this lifestyle. We need to sit back when we are sad and stressing over our lives and be thankful for the things we do have and the options that are available. We have access to health insurance and doctors. To the food we need to survive and clean drinking water. I can turn the air conditioning on when it's hot and the heat on when it is cold. We have money to spend at shopping malls on senseless things we think that we need. Could you imagine having none of this? Struggling to keep your children alive? Watching those around you dying? Sending your 10 year old child out with a gun to defend your family, home, supplies? 

I don't always agree with what our country is doing and I don't always understand why they do the things that they do. But I understand and appreciate the life I have been able to lead and choices I am able to make because of the country that I live in. The simple rights in life are what makes me proud to be an American and I want to say thank you to the men and women who have fought to preserve our way of life. All the men and women through history, not just the ones fighting and dying today. Thank You! 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Crafting Mama Adventures

Craft Blog

So I've invested in several different types of crafts. I find myself most drawn to making things that require a "recipe". I blame this on my love for cooking!

So I'm going to go into super sell mode soon. Which entails making all the crafts I have the supplies to make and then selling those to make money for the more preferred crafts that I want to do. Mainly beauty products and simple sewing endeavors. Woo!

I've already invested quite a bit of money into this crafting mama adventure in hopes to be able to stay home and still be able to provide something financially for my family and to instill some satisfaction in myself.

I have a few tester projects coming up... and a couple I've already completed. I made a cape for my son's birthday which turned out pretty great. I will have to get a picture of him modeling it. The next project is a tutu for my daughter's 5th birthday that is coming up in November. The lucky little ducks get spoiled as I figure out what crafts to continue with and which ones to toss to the side.

I have been making soaps and I even made a reed diffuser for my bedroom. Lets not forget about the hemp & bead key chains I made too. Though I need to get some beads with fatter holes? (Gosh that just sounds terrible haha.)

So now that my crafting mama segment is basically complete....

Mama Rae Blog

I have been dealing with some medical problems lately and it's really hitting me hard emotionally. I'm a big ball of emotions but I've been throwing myself into other things emotionally to distract myself when my children aren't. My crafts and crafty inspirations really are holding me together through all this. It is my crutch and as long as I can throw myself into it and a little money here and there I think I'll be able to hold onto the strength that I need. I don't like being told what to do, not even by doctors. I have no idea where this issue stems from so I'll just admit to being one of the most stubborn people that I know, guilty as charged!

Kids Section

My kids are absolutely insane today!
With all the rain and nothing to do
It would be a perfect day for the Cat in the Hat to come through!
At least he knows it is wet, and the sun is not sunny.....
Ok you get the point!  :)

Other than that bit of news life is basically the same, day in and day out.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The D Word

That's right, drama! 
I think that the biggest problem with society and the cause of drama is the lack of will in others to mind their own business. Everyone seems to think that they need to get involved with anything that may not be the way they would do it.

We all do things differently. I raise my children differently than you or her or they do. I don't have a career. I have a ton of dreams that may never happen. So does it make it wrong for me to raise my children my way because it is not how someone else would do it? No, it just makes my family different. We're all unique and we're not all career moms! I'm surely not a career mom, not yet anyway. And I also generally refer to myself as a mum not a mom, it's a family thing. 

Are you going to get all over dramatic because I don't work? Because I stay home with my children and tend to their needs and house work? I'd surely hope not. It's my life not yours.
And if you don't agree with my dreams are you going to try to put me down? Now... think about how that would make you feel before you do it to someone else. I say if you're going to dream, dream big baby!

Also, who would I be to judge someone else for working 50 hour weeks and having a child or two at the same time? I'm not going to judge. We all carve these paths our own way with our own choices and it's amazing to see how diverse our lives really are.
Sometimes I sit and watch traffic and fascinate over how I know absolutely nothing about the people driving by. I don't know if they have children or grandchildren. I don't know if they have a family crisis going on or if they are about to leave for an awesome two week long vacation. I don't know what they have been through to any degree at all. I just know what they look like and I could never form a judgement from that now could I? Yet people do it everyday.

I don't smoke that green stuff but I'm not going to judge others for it. I'm not going to judge the alcoholic or the recovering drug addict. I am not going to judge the people around me because it is not my place and frankly I don't need the drama!  So the person next to you in the store might like to smoke pot. Does it affect you? What? No, it doesn't, that's right. Good job. So why would you care?

The next time you want to lift up your phone and gab about someone doing something. Please.... contemplate if it is really worth the occupying of your time. To waste an hour of your time on someone else's way of life is generally looked at as pathetic. No one likes it and I'll be that not many people like you either. Drama pusher!

Please note that I am NOT singling out anyone in this post I'm just blogging some thoughts. If you think this post is about you... it's not lol. Really. Generalization of a common problem is my only aim.
"You probably think this BLOG is about you, don't you? You're soooo vain!" 

Diet & Exercise Blog #1

Exercise is crucial... but why do I hate it so!?

Probably because it bores me; it's not fun. Kickboxing is intriguing though.
I have been wanting to do kickboxing for some time now and in the process of my desire I've developed one issue or another to prevent this. Currently... I have no where to take up such a hobby and I would like to get some medical care for the carpal tunnel I have developed over the past year. I know I know KICKboxing right?
Well if I'm working out my legs I want to work out my upper body at the same time. Currently on a bad day I can't even manage to lift a coffee mug. Ouuuch! "Doctor doctor, gimme the news!".
Of course the nasty fall I had in the spring that was inflicted by trying to speed jump a baby gate didn't help at all and I have the scar to prove it. The fall last winter on ice was a pretty bad one too. Clumsy me!

I have a small build but I've been told that I've got a muscular build. I have to say I believe this is true. Also, what I don't have in breasts is compensated for in muscle boo-yah! So just TAKE THAT genetics! haha.
I was going to the gym a couple years ago and my results were amazing. Staying motivated is the hard part and personally I don't like being around people, any people really they make eye contact sometimes and I'm afraid they might be trying to peer into my soul. Ok maybe not my soul but the public "eye" makes me nervous. So working out at home needs to start again. In moderation I guess because my hands rule my life and they hate me.

Vitamins and Supplements
I take gummy children's multivitamins because they taste delicious! If it tastes good I remember to take it which is like a two birds with one stone situation in my eyes.
Supplements I currently have but am not taking include: fish oil, B6, iron, and vitamin C. I will be looking into magnesium because I'm fairly certain I have a deficiency. Follow the link provided to see symptoms if you're interested in checking it out yourself. is a wonderful website they have so much information and many tools to use to your advantage!

So we'll see if some magnesium helps with my situation. I must keep in mind that birth control blocks the body's ability to absorb magnesium. Which could be my entire issue right there. We'll try the magnesium supplement first and if there is no improvement I will be speaking with my doctor about other options. Keeping you updated is what I plan to do!
I will be starting to take my supplements again today. September first is as good a day as any!

Weighing in: 
Maybe I shouldn't but I'll do it anyway... I want to keep track of all my changes.
I'm 5'2 @ 111 pounds as of 8/31/2011.
Weight is just a number but it's one I battle with even when I'm considered to be in the OK/average/normal range.
My goal with my weight is to drop some more pounds... and then tone up. Which will mean that I'm going to gain weight back but it will be healthy weight in the form of muscles. I am not comfortable with gaining muscle unless my body is in the form I want it to be in first. Ya follow? I have about another month I'm guessing before I'll go into this next phase which will give me time to see how the supplements are affecting me.

Diet... what diet?

Simply put my diet stinks. Not because I eat junk food but because I don't eat enough of anything. This is something that I will try to work on. First I need to find foods that I enjoy. I do love me some fruit. My diet basically consists of granola bars, fruits, cheese (only dairy that is nice to me), coffee, pepsi, and uhh... that's about it. Terrible I know but I have this mental block going on and if I don't LOVE it I don't eat it. I will try harder to find more foods that I love!
Here is my starting point photo. 

Square One

Firstly I will say that I have no real focus for my blogging! So basically you can expect to see tidbits from my life, experiences as a mother, my crafting inspiration, vent sessions, and just about anything that has to do with daily life in this place that we call Earth.

I'm a dreamer and a realist. Tell me that isn't conflicting! I have big dreams and the means to shut them right down at the same time. When I dream up something you can bet it's going to be big, off-the-wall, and absurd most of the time. After all until I was about 15 I never wanted to be anything but a singer. Which I guess you can say I accomplished because I sing every day to my children. Yay! That's where the realist comes in. I usually plan to shoot for the moon, anticipate the stars, and decide to climb a mountain instead. Which you will see in the future I'm absolutely sure of this!

I'm a bit consumed by my diet these days. I try to eat healthy and most of the time healthy doesn't like me. I'm lactose intolerant and I am pretty sure I've developed gluten sensitivities. Some posts will consist of goals I make, some I reach, and some that change along the way when it comes to diet, exercise, and living a healthy lifestyle. This will also include personal experiences and things that I have found to help with one health situation or another.

Oh, and I have attention deficit disorder and for this I will apologize for in advance. I guarantee that it will affect my writing and may cause my blogs to be difficult to follow from time to time. Consider it an artistic way of writing and perhaps it won't be so hard to follow. If you're up for the challenge feel free to read on. 

About my life.... I'm a stay at home mother to three amazing children. I have a son and two daughters. I'm working on an associates degree in human services and I'll be honest I'm really hating it! I'm currently on leave to get some things straightened out in my life... mostly my motivation and perhaps my carpal tunnel. 

Hobbies... well I like to make things, crafts, foods, babies.... lol ok so maybe babies aren't a hobbie but you thought it was funny, don't deny it! I worry about the environment more than anyone else I know but I bottle it up because no one thinks one person makes a difference. I hate to be judged so I try not to give people the opportunity to do so. One person can inspire another and another to make small changes and then you have a group of people motivating others. We live in a town and I needed to go to the bank one day a couple weeks ago... well my boyfriend didn't realize that I had left because I didn't take a vehicle! Really?! It's a 7 minute walk at the most and I enjoyed it!!! Small changes people!!! There is something wrong if you go to a large outlet mall and move your car every time you have to walk to a different section of the mall. Exceptions are the elderly and those with physical limitations!!! Babies? No, that's no excuse (unless it's winter and you have a newborn). I can do it; you can do it. "I walk it out, I walk it out." Ok, this white girl is not a rapper by any means! However, I do love music so expect to see lots of musical references in my blogs.

I'm going to end this here and let you decide if you'll be back to read the real blogs!

Have a wonderful day!