Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Confessions of the Damaged and Broken

          Through the years, choices, and mistakes I became broken. Just a fragment in every area of who I once was and would again like to be.
          I was ensured that I wasn't good enough by many. Sometimes I even looked for it from people I knew could never accept who I really am.
          I was left with feelings of such abandonment that I craved death.
          My confidence is lacking. And maybe it is now that I need to say that your words hurt me. From elementary school to high-school kids were just plain mean. Some picked on  me for anything from my name to my shoes to the generic foods "poor people foods" in my packed lunches. Some told lies. Some wished death upon me. I was called names. I don't recall having many good lasting friendships with anyone.
          I was once told that I lost the fire in my eyes. I will never forget. Especially that crushing feeling of knowing it was true. I feel like I have been chasing that same fire for years and only growing further away. It's a sorry-sad feeling, full of desperation and hints of hope, false hope that is.
          Maybe it was the physical abuse I endured. Or maybe it was my own emotional issues but I will never again feel like I once did. Or trust people completely. A complement always feels two-sided. Smiles make me uncomfortable.
          The last time a man raised his hand to me I fought back with a rage so pure to hatred that I think I unlocked something very close to demonic. Maybe that is what happens to someone who has carried around too much negativity all their life. Maybe all those years of school torture, family problems, and failed relationships finally unlocked some part of me that was ready to dish out an ass-whooping. So that's what I did. Part of me longs to feel this rage toward someone again. Part of me wants to start problems with others so that I might get the chance to let it out again. Rage is the only emotional reaction that feels productive sometimes but it is always out of my reach, always taunting me.
          I am still haunted by things like this. Some of the choices and mistakes I have made do it too. Other people's mistakes and harsh words that have influenced me still weigh me down.
          I don't hold a grudge. But I remember everything. Every dumb lie someone told me. Every insult. Every time I was made to feel like an insignificant speck in the life of someone else. I remember all of the things I did to hurt other people, intentionally or not. I carry it with me and it has all shaped me into who I am. But I do not like it. Why can't I just learn the lesson and not feel guilty? Maybe I need to apologize to those who I can. Perhaps closure is the key to my emotional freedom. Maybe it is how I will get the fire back in my eyes. I need to forgive those who hurt me and apologize to the people I hurt.
                             I want to be free of this forever! 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Food is Everything!

It was recently brought to my attention that some people do not teach their children how to cook. 
       Cooking with your children is really something you need to start doing from an early age that way your child accepts it as something they need to know, like riding a bike and reading. When you introduce your children early on to kitchen things they will will continue to acknowledge your tips and techniques all through their childhood and teen years.  
       In my mind I feel that this goes back to previous posts I have written about giving your children the tools necessary to succeed in life. Why wouldn't you teach your children to cook? You teach them to do other things right? How I see it, you are what you eat and it is so important to be a peach. Okay, maybe not a peach but at least be something you can pronounce most of the time! If you do not teach your children how to cook, select food and allow them to learn through your own examples they may not make very good food choices when they grow up. 

Food is everything. Food is what makes us strong, nourishes our bones, hydrates our organs, and lessens the risks of certain cancers. Food is also what contributes to obesity, poor growth, worsens illnesses, causes digestive problems, cancer, and poor sleeping habits. You have the good with the bad and as a parent it is your responsibility to be healthy for your children. To show them how you care for yourself and to teach them the same habits. Do you want your kids to grow up to be overweight or develop colon cancer or do you want your children to grow up with lower risks of having cancer and osteoporosis?
Maybe I am a bit extreme and maybe I take it too far. Perhaps, my children will grow up and leave the nest and binge on soda and pizza and perservative filled desserts that come in a box. That's their choice, I won't like it but if that is what they choose to do after an upbringing of healthy eating and good foods... they'll fast learn that mommy knows best.
All this talk of food made me hungry. A hard boiled egg, yogurt, and a glass of water. Really... I'll show you...

       So there you have my middle of the night snack time. For tonight anyway, some nights are not so healthy. I must admit after purchasing the yogurt I read the label... artificial sweetener... really!? Why is that even necessary? I have made homemade yogurt; I didn't even add sugar to it. It's not necessary! I won't be buying that again.

       I have to get creative these days with gluten being 100% evil. I slip up a lot but I really am trying and I think that's probably the most important thing. If you try, your children will try to. If you burn something, let them know that it happens to the best of us. Eliminate their fears by not being perfect at what you're teaching them. Many children and teenagers are scared to try new things because of the fear of failure. Reassure them, that if they burn something or add the wrong seasoning, it is not the end all of their cooking career. It is a lesson learned. Tell them a story of something you made when you were just starting that ended in disaster.

Remember to have fun and, food is EVERYTHING, but not everything is food.
No eating tv-watching puppies!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Confessions & Thoughts of a Guilty Meat Eater

Today I was disturbed by a photo of some animals. First they were all happy in green grass. Cows, Chicks, Pigs. Followed by the reality of what their living conditions are really like. Ending with photos of mass slaughtering.

I have issues with meat and I try my hardest not to think about it, where it comes from, and the truth of what makes Jello, Jello.
I am speaking from a place where if I am standing in the grocery store with my last $20 bill. I would get vegetables, fruits, and grains. A man would probably buy meat and at the price of meat... wouldn't have very much food to eat over the next couple of days.
So now what I am saying is that the economy is pretty harsh and with the cost of food you would think that more people would eat less meat than they do. But that's not the case it seems. I can see that people would eat more fatty cuts of meat that are less expensive. You know, fatty red meat that is more likely to clog arteries, contribute to obesity, and lead to cancer. Regular ground beef is the cheapest kind of meat you can come across. But did you know that they add chemicals to your meat because its filthy? Because if they don't then the instances of meat related sickness would be far more frequent.

I eat meat. I don't like that I eat it but I do. I would eat less but this gluten free stuff is kinda hard on me so I've been chowing down on chickens a lot. I guess this could be something I would like to do less of in the future. Maybe it will be a goal?
I did the whole vegetarian thing a while back... a year ago actually and I felt amazing but was not entirely convinced it was a good idea.

I guess the point of this post, is that when I allow myself to think about it eating meat makes me feel bad, sad, and guilty.
How can something that makes you feel so badly be good for you? I'm trying to sift through this one.

Do you think about where your food comes from? Do you feel any certain way about it? 

Those "Two Chicks In A Hot Tub" were neglected by my tummy... the chest cavity was tiny tiny small... like abused obese chickens would be. 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Two Chicks In a Hot Tub

Bahahaha Made ya look! 

Chore System Part 3

Chore System is finally completed! 

Painted the outside.

Here is the finished product! 

I think it's pretty cool myself!

For parts one and two simply click:

And have a great day! 

I wish I was her...

Here I sit at home alone feeling guilty. How can I "enjoy the alone time" when I feel this way. I'll tell you exactly why.....

I feel guilty because I am not the person I wish that I was. I cannot force myself to be her.
As a result I feel like I am missing out. But there is not one single reason worth making my entire family miserable by my presence.

I am at home in a warm house sipping a latte that was probably bought in an attempt to butter me up and bribe me to go to the park with my children. Why the hell can't I just do that?!

It's fucking cold that's why! I am IN the warm house and my fingers hurt, they are stiff. And I can hardly use a pen; it looks like a damn 12 year old's hand writing.
Why do I feel that I am being bribed to go to the park with my own kids. And when I am told "it's ok" it feels like a big fat lie. Because I know it's not ok. I should be willing to go do these things. I should endure whatever it takes, put a smile on my face and go.

I regret that I am not the person that I feel everyone needs me to be. I'm not even close most days.
Mostly, I am feeling sorry for not being the person I feel that my family deserves. I don't feel that I can be her while we are here.

I don't like freezing, I don't like sweating, and we're locked down in stupid fucking Pennsylvania with its stupid weather until we die!

That's how I feel today.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Chore System Part 2

Hello! I am back with more on this chore system I have been working on!

Dry erase board into chalkboard, and chores organized color coded, and printed onto cardstock.
Here is Part One if you missed it.

Part Two!

I carefully cut out all of my chores and I put sticky magnets onto the backs.
For now they are hanging out on the refrigerator because the board is not ready for use until tomorrow.

Now I will be working on how rewards will work. And I still need to paint the frame of the chore board.

Part 3!

I also need to make some more soap, but that's totally unrelated. :)
So are the following photos! My kids and I made a tissue paper pumpkin. It's pretty cool.

 It's Pumpkin time again!!!!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Chore System Part 1

I have been working on a little project that's been days in the making. 

Now I am in the action stages! 
Here, I'll show you.... 
 Old worn out dry erase board that I have had for years that was given to me by a friend who got it along side the curb for trash pick up. Yet again being UPcycled! I love it! Well I really don't like it because it doesn't work so well anymore. So, it has become.... a chalkboard as of today....
While it is not finished and this is a slightly wet chalk board photo... with sloppy edges because I didn't feel like buying tape... it is in the middle stages now and look forward to seeing a paint trim or fabric trim in upcoming photos. YAY! Excited!
[I managed to get paint on my leg and in my hair. Special! haha] 

The entire point of this you ask? 

Oh yes... there it is... 

You see, it is a magnetic dry erase board, and the chalkboard paint was just a pretty after thought (old marks stained the board permanently). 
I am using cardstock backed with magnets for kids chores and basic things they need to do, remember, and live by. The dry erase board turned chalkboard will be sectioned off and each of my children will be assigned   specific chores each day.

I don't yet know how I will designate rewards. But I have those lists made up for each child and waiting to go to the printer. 

A lot of the chores and things I have waiting to be cut and magnetized are things that will be learning experiences for my older two children. 

I have been, thus far, the kind of mother who just does everything possible for my children because I don't realize that they are growing up and able to do some things on their own now. I know that my oldest child has the ability to learn how to make himself a simple snack and he's been helping me with taking out the trash and recycling.
But it is now my turn to say something like, "Hey kids, this is what I am asking you to do, and I will ask you to do this on a regular basis and you will be praised for your help and hard work and you will earn rewards. However, you will not do these chores because you are bribed and you will not be given money for your chores or candy. Rewards will not be held over your head as an incentive. This is called being a family and being actively involved. If you want to work as a team so we can have fun and do activities and make memories lets get to work!" 

Some of my "chores" are more like fun things and making sure that each child can say "Ok, it's my turn to use my purple card!". Purple = attention cards(although it looks pink in the picture).

The ones on the speckled tan colored cardstock are morals and rules. They will be on the fridge unless one child is in need of a reminder then it will get put under that kid's regular chores. I can think of one child who needs to really work on the "no begging" rule. 

I will be posting some printables once I figure out how to do that. 

Will be posting back here again with Part 2!     

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

No Titty-Flopping Allowed!

I am pretty sure that I was brought into this world to indulge in t-shirts and blue jeans and not much more.

My general style is simple. Gimme a nice pair of running shoes or flip flops and I am a happy-happy girl. Hair tie into a pony tail... even better, now add a basic pair of jeans a solid t-shirt and a little eye liner... that's me. That's just WHO I AM. Ya know, if I were to define myself by clothing.

I don't get all caught  up in "waist belts", scarves, jewelry, layering clothing, matching earrings, sunglasses, belts, fancy shoes, suntans or fake nails. You're looking at the girl who owns ONE purse that she has carried around for 2 years.

I see all these women wearing stylish clothing, things that coordinate and they look nice. I can't help but feel jealous but at the same time, that is not who I am. I am not a perfectly coordinated outfit. I am a blue jeans and cotton T kinda gal, who hates pissing around with her hair and make up. I rarely paint my nails.

I cannot help but wonder if I am abnormal. If there is something wrong with me. But I see those things and all I can think about is the cost it would take for me to look "like that".
And who would I be wearing these clothes for? Other people! That's who!

As long as I am clean and not titty-flopping around my boyfriend is probably content with how I look. I do dress it up a little when we go out. But... I prefer to just be me. Then when I am looking at someone who is not me, or I am around people who wear nice clothing when they're just lounging around at home, I feel wrong.

It makes me insecure. Should I have more "style" or should I just accept myself for who I am?

Acceptance is the most logical choice I think. Though I would really like to get myself back into those leggings I "outgrew" last winter. I love leggings and leg warmers and BOOTS. I need to learn to walk in fancy heels. I guess that could be a fashion goal as long as I can keep the leg warmers!

Well, to finish this up... here is how I look today. Eyeliner = only make up. Hair spray to cut out some of the frizz and hold curls(my hair is permed because, I hate doing my hair). T-shirt, jeans, running shoes.
I am feeling exceptionally good about how I look in that second picture. I am feeling "better" about myself( I have been moving my muscles around consistently lately= exercise). Even though I despise the amount of space between my shoulders and my itty bitties most days, I find that the right bra, with the right t-shirt is essential. Freaking ridiculous!

So basically, it's not that I DON'T care about how I look. It's just that, I don't care what anyone else thinks, I like to be comfortable and I just gotta accept that I am a comfort loving stay at home mom who doesn't want to buy nice clothes so that kids can wipe boogers on them.

Being Three and Cute as Can Be!

My littlest child stands near me, playing with little bottles of acrylic paints she snagged from my crafty things. She is singing and playing and making them talk to each other... like toys.
And so I say to her "Why don't you go play with your pet shops?"
 "No, they're mean." She tells me.
I responded with "They are mean? Why?"
Simply put she tells me "They poop on me."

She makes me smile.

Like last night, Daddy says to her "Can I pick your nose?"
And she tells him, "No, your fing-ar* is bigg-ar*."
He reasons a little. And she tells him "You pick your own nose!"
We all had a good laugh.

This one is very outspoken and is quite the clown at times.